Almost There

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON---The second grade teacher whose classroom I volunteer in asked me this very simple question, "How are you?!" Right in that very moment I could have easily admitted how painful it was for me to be just sitting there next to them and yet other thoughts were running inside my head. I quietly told them a response that I'm sure they were not least expecting to hear out of my mouth, and yet there was not much I wanted to say.

"I don't know... I'm hanging in there." It was all I could think of to tell them and yet it was not the happiest response I had ever mentioned to somebody. There was not much of anything else to talk about with them other than my upcoming pageant this March and the talent I'm currently working on with my mom. We never discussed much of anything else related back to my life and how all the volunteering at the school has been for me...But at the same time, I wished something from my own mouth had gotten said out loud to this teacher friend of mine. I have literally wanted to stand up for myself several times throughout the last couple of weeks and never feel like it was the right choice that needs to be made. 

I have literally shed too many tears down my cheeks in order to make the best of this and somehow during various times it has struck a chord with me. I never prepared myself for what an uphill quiet battle this was going to be emotionally difficult and painful like it has turned out to be. I really want more than anything to have the remainder of this school year, just become one of the most rewarding and unforgettable experiences in my life. As much as it hurts to admit this on here, I am not prepared for what the next several months have in store for me and wish that Heavenly Father would make this all fade away in an instant, but that is not how he motivates us to strive harder each day. 

IN THE BEGINNING---I really felt like as thought I am just one more person for them to worry about and have something to keep me occupied. It has been nothing short of remarkable to really understand just how much I am not alone in this experience and despite the many times, I haven't wanted to return back inside of that classroom with how I have felt mistreated or in other words-- getting pushed off to the side in a corner with no idea of why I am even there. 

Conclusion:

Make the best of every single week that you can possible. It's never felt so incredibly harder on me than this year alone and striving to be a little better has only continued making me less of myself.... but obviously, who am I kidding here?!!! It has been such an emotional roller coaster ride for me in ways than nobody deserves to see themselves on, unless you feel inclined to learn something more about yourself and what you are capable of doing well. I really do appreciate all of the assistance I am able to give this teacher friend of mine so much and cannot thank them enough for being sweet, patient with me all year long. I have certainly never expected this to be as much of a struggle like it has turned out to be at times and maybe it is only the way to learn from my mistakes. Despite all of the fact they know it is hard for me... That doesn't necessarily fix how it has made me feel on a very personal level, but we all need to cut ourselves some slack to know we are doing the best we can do for those around us.