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After receiving some much needed advice--I have decided to give myself a chance and try this one more time. I will be attending yet another council training that should turn out a lot better than the one I attended four years ago. It was not exactly the kind of outcome I had wanted to see myself go through and yet there was not much of anything I could do to make things easier. I ended up with my feelings severely  hurt in a way that no one should ever have to face in their lifetime and somehow after standing up for myself in that situation-- I was somehow able to heal from that period. I definitely would not reconsider attending an event that I know will help me learn how to be a legitimate board member of a council that holds such a special place in my heart. Obviously, I may not even talk much or give any input on stuff that we discuss as a group, but I am confident it will feel a lot less traumatic than before. I am hopeful my anxious self will be in a good place which if ya must know still needs some work leading up to this and I can focus on what is at hand. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to serve on USILC and make improvements along the way which if you ask me is a lot harder than I would have anticipated. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me to not feel out of place or be dealing with anxiety on a consistent basis whenever I join in on a virtual meeting or event. I am just simply doing whatever it takes to push through my challenges and not look silly whenever I share my legit input on stuff that needs to be addressed.

I am determined in trying to make this experience one that I can look back on with a smile and not have teardrops rolling down my face. I have definitely tried my hardest to maintain boundaries with people I closely associate with on a regular basis and not wish things could be easier. I still have a treacherous & long road of me to walk down but I can only hope for the best. I am fairly certain there will not be much for me to worry about once I arrive and get settled down into things. 

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YESTERDAY---was the four year anniversary since my good friend Josh returned back to the other side and life without him has not been quite the same. I am grateful for the privilege that me and my friends had of knowing what an incredible person he was, which if you ask me is not an understatement. He was such a delight to be around & could light up almost any room that he rolled into. He truly left an imprint on my life as a self advocate who knows despite their struggles, that I can do hard things and always remember who I am. Josh was the life of the party when it came to any class or activity that our independent living center put on. He didn't necessarily ever find it awkward if he ended up with all the girls when it came to projects or things we were asked to take care of. 

Long Story Short--- I remember the simplistic and profound quote my good friend had on the back of their memorial service program that read: "It's okay... Just keep swimming!!" At this time in my life, I could not be more than grateful for this reminder of how I need to keep pushing through the hard stuff without ever overthinking what the worst case scenario would be. I know my friend Josh would need me to never look back with regrets on whatever I may have dealt with over the last while or wished had never happened to me in the first place. 

"May not be what you want, but it's what you need." 

I may not have been grateful for this experience in my life when it happened--- but it is clearly what I needed to push through whatever comes next. I am positively certain whatever my friend Josh is up to where he is right now is making me feel slightly better as this journey of mine unfolds. He never failed with putting a smile on my face or making me laugh when I needed it the most--but I am grateful for a chance to have played a small part on his earthly mission.

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Mid Week Update

Nashville Trip (One Week)

I'm excited for the chance to be in a new state that I have wanted to visit and check out--which if you ask me is nothing short of an understatement. I am ready to get away for a couple of days and refocus on what can be done as I persevere through some hard stuff. I know it is gonna be an incredible experience for me and my family to spend time with each other, but also explore what the state of Tennessee has to offer. It's certainly gonna be awhile until I can get myself back into blogging once this trip is done. I am ready for a chance to take care of myself a little more and get some decent photos while my family is there visiting. I know it will end up going by too fast--but there is only so much more I am anxious to see in person while we are there!!!

Council Member Status (Unofficial Story)

LONG STORY SHORT---I have so much more to still learn and get used to... but I am grateful for new opportunities to grow and develop more of my talents. I am obviously trying to have a smooth transition as this continues to be an emotional chapter in my life, but I cannot simply give up to make myself feel better about things. When I am solely committed to anything, I'd never want to pretend like this isn't necessarily if not the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken in my lifetime, but is there not anything I am not capable with being able to do???

I am truly grateful for the chances I have to serve with so many people who love what they do and just want the best for me in my time on the council. I know this was not gonna be an easy transition for me to become used to as things in my life change and try to fall into their places, which I am not sure if it's what I really want or simply need. I cannot necessarily return back to those unforgettable youthful days of mine but I am determined to keep being a good example for others as much as I can be possible. I am obviously not sure what other adventures lie in my path between now and then--but if I do end up with a decision to be made I will let you know. 

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Future Plans

Back To School (Next Thursday)

I was originally planned to return back to the local elementary school yesterday afternoon & ended up being rescheduled to help out next week. I am really excited to be back where my volunteering journey started and especially since with all that happened two years ago, it will feel so nice to be back in a 3rd grade classroom again. I am grateful for a chance to help with anything that needs to be done and get to know those kids a little better, which I am sure will take some time--but I'm perfectly okay with it. 

People First Member???

I have obviously not made a decision yet about this, but I am trying to contemplate on whether I want to be involved with the People First of Utah. I did it a long time ago with my independent living center, but attendance was not very good among other issues that made it extra hard for me to participate on. I think serving alongside with my friends would be so fun and give me a chance to learn some new things about making the disability community on our society a better place for everyone. 

Regular Council Member 

Serving on USILC continues to be a rewarding experience for me, but it has come with difficulties in realizing that my official youthful days are over with and that continues to remind me that I have a lot more growing up and maturing to do. It's obviously a different vibe from what I was used to for such a long time and not being able to have that anymore is tough for me to say the least--but I know things will get better. I may end up having to mirror what other council members are doing to get used to stuff like this and I am still not certain what that means exactly-- but all I can do is just hope for the best in what does come in my path. I am obviously kind of an outsider when it comes to council meetings like this because it is completely starting all over from the beginning and yet I feel as though my involvement is either needs a boost or just extra time for me to adapt myself into. I didn't know what I was walking myself into when I applied to be on USILC and felt like I just kept making one mistake after the next without realizing my participation was very small and fresh all at the time. However, I can only hope for things to keep me at ease without too much trouble and make a good impression on everyone who I still feel like know more than I do about a lot of things, which is not something I am not gonna lie about. #ItsTheTruth.

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EARLIER TODAY---I was honored with my YLC service award & could not be more than grateful to have gotten recognized for the dedication I put into making that committee successful. I may never not know what an incredible chapter of my life that was for me as time went by a little too fast and simply wanting to leave an imprint on everybody's heart. It's obviously hard for me to look towards a future-- without this committee being in it and yet I know my heart cannot wait for what happens next. I am so humbled to have gotten a chance to serve with the best people ever and learning from them on all those meetings we had every other month. 

This award is sitting on my bedroom shelf and I can look at it everyday reminding me of the legacy I was able to leave my friends behind with. I am grateful for the ways this committee helped me to learn about-- what it means to be a good leader and advocate in the disability community. It has been such an humbling experience for me to look back on what has motivated me to stick with doing what I love and yet I am not here to make sure that continues without stopping any time soon. 

LONG STORY SHORT----I ended up giving one of my colleagues the biggest hug ever and shedding all these tears down my face which if you ask me was most likely expected. I felt overwhelmed with so much gratitude in my heart for having done what I could to make the committee, what I know it will continue to be as the years go on. It's never easy for me to not get attached to something and have the hardest time in trying to let go from it to new stuff. I know there are so many more opportunities left in this world for me, to take chances on and not miss out on unless I make the decision to hold myself back?? I am grateful for USILC who went out of their way to give me this award and honor me for my years of service--which I'll admit feels like only a short length of time. This experience is one that I will cherish forever and keep very close to my heart throughout the rest of my self advocacy journey. 

Switched Over (Part Two)

 

Minus the blog post I shared on here yesterday---I am not sure if this will make any sense at all or help me feel better going forward in the disability community. I genuinely feel like a small fish in a big pond where I know there only more lessons to be learned along the way. It is obviously a different vibe than I would have anticipated going into this council and sometimes I visibly feel like everybody knows more about things than I do. 

Two of my colleagues have reassured me that I'm doing great & not trying to ruin what is at hand. I know my involvement seems a little insignificant at this moment and can only imagine all the new opportunities that lie ahead for me. There will be ups and downs along this journey which are not going to be unnoticed, as I continue learning what it means to be a legit board member who cares about their friends getting the best resources they will need to live in society.

Long Story Short--- I know this journey is not gonna be an easy one for me and I am comforted with recognizing that I'm still in good hands. I have so much more to bring onto these leadership roles and trying my hardest to not make the same mistakes I did in the past--which if you ask me have been able to teach me more than I deserve. I shed a lot of tears knowing that my presence was not where it had to be and I continued to let my emotions take over things. I'm not perfect in any sense of the word & yet I am hopeful things can settle down once I mirror what others are doing to make this experience that will be cherished for a lifetime. 

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Switched Over

EARLIER TODAY---I participated in one of my governor entity meetings over Zoom and little did I have any idea of what a major adjustment it would turn up to be. I dearly loved being involved on the so called "Youth Side" of things and now that has been turned upside down--all simply because I had to grow up & move on. I legitimately feel like an outsider who has absolutely no idea what lies ahead of them and just simply hoping for the best in my future. I am fairly certain they are going to be other chances for me with council members to be educated on what needs to be done for the disability community--but right now it is extremely hard not being able to overcome. I genuinely want to be a good board member of USILC and do whatever it takes to leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone I get to work with--which if you ask me, will be a dream come true. 

I'm not necessarily prepared for whatever lies in my path and can only hope for the best to come heading down this road. I am not sure what unknown places or goals I will have set out for myself---but I am just genuinely hoping for a successful outcome in whatever comes down my path. I am not necessarily one of those people who handles changes like this very well and only perceives the worst case scenario in every situation life has ever given them. 

(More To Come)