When The Rain Falls (Part Two)

THREE YEARS AGO----I accidentally made one of the biggest mistakes that anybody in this society could ever learn from and knowing the permanent consequences left me feeling extra cautious whenever it comes to being around people within the disability community. I literally remember waking up shaken in the middle of the night and recognizing for the first time with my nervous system quietly reacting to a pyschological trigger with feeling out of breath among other symptoms. I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to help me see his hand in all of this uncertainty at the time and wanted more than anything to learn how my life was going to be years after. 

I never meant to hurt the individual who now more than ever knows I made a fool of myself and wanted to immediately see this be erased. As I continued to process for months on what needed to be done, I did feel completely at peace after having kneeled down on my knees while pleading to my Heavenly Father to help me learn from this mistake and give me the comfort I really needed at the time. I knew my mistake would only continue to stick with me as I slowly moved forward with the reality of this experience. I genuinely did not mean to put the individual through all of this on purpose but yet it was something I knew the Lord was going to lovingly remind me about on a consistent basis and coming to terms with the loss of what I'll admit was not a socially appropriate relationship. I cried one too many times over this because the pain of what happened between me and the individual who was only doing their best in a very difficult leadership role I was extremely nervous about them going into. 

LONG STORY SHORT----I started listening to the lyrics of what this song means to me on a personal level and have realized that I am only human. I even apologized for not having turned out to be what I perceived to be as the perfect colleague in their eyes and I was unable to do that for them. I felt almost vulnerable with wanting to see their face on a computer screen or let alone in person for a treacherous period of time and yet I knew it was the harsh reality I needed to live with. I obviously have no clearer idea about when they will ever regain my trust not only as a governor appointed entity council member and knowing I am forever left with the emotional scar of my inexcusable actions. Did any of this have to do with the fact that I have a genetic learning disorder... I am one hundred percent certain that it did and no matter how many short comings I have in life, I know the lessons behind this taught me what it means to be a professional at all times. I will admit it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me to keep my mouth shut and not want to share anything with them trying my hardest to not feel imtimdated by their way of maturity when it comes to processing your emotions. 

It was literally one of the hardest times in my life and sometimes wish if I did not have FXS that I could have this erased completely. However, I know it will never be something I can undo or disappear with a magic wand if I even had access to something like that. I have contemplated many times about how I am going to be extra careful in making sure I never put someone else I really like into something such as this unfortunate situation. I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ for lovingly reminding me that he would never abandon one of his children in a trial of their faith and the moment I handed this to him----there was a sudden peace in my heart that everything would be okay. I knew it was going to take a lot of time on my end with getting to a point where I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel while recongizing that tears are the same when we are trying to grow something good--there is a difference between the teardrops and the rain. Think about the teardrops along with rain being vital to washing away pain and fostering good character that all of us want to pursue in this mortal life. I am just someone who despite their visible struggles with a genetic learning disorder know from time to time it will hit me that I am not necessarily like everybody else. I obviously may not make legitimate eye contact with people or capable of carrying on with any kind of conversation or let alone feeling a little out of place when it comes to things that life hands over to me. 

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Untitled Post

LONG STORY SHORT---One of my colleagues recommended my name to participate along with others on this Utah MHIDD advisory board. I participated in my first meeting today which if you ask me, I tried my hardest to join on time but learned a couple of things about mental health awareness among other stuff that I could bring to the table. I am grateful for an opportunity to continue working next to my colleagues every step of this journey and learn alongside with them. 

BYU Adaptive Show Choir (Spring Concert)

I have only heard good things about what this show choir does and how much fun it is to watch everyone get out on the floor to either dance, sing a song or simply perform alongside their peers. The energy inside of the Smithfield House was electric and everybody was smiling from ear to ear, while clapping to any of the songs that were being played. I loved seeing my friends go out of their comfort zones to perform for a very large crowd with the biggest smiles on their faces!! I was very impressed with the variety of talents- that people in the disability community have whether it's playing the piano or another kind of a musical instrument. I might end up considering the possibility of doing this down the road or if I can find the time to make it work in my busy schedule, we will see what happens from there. One of the many things that touched my heart throughout this entire concert was one of the BYU students mentioned since joining the adaptive show choir, they were able to find out where it is they belong.

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Waiting Place

"Little by little, He frees me. Moment by moment, releasing, my grip, my stubborn need to be in control, of everything. Over and over, He leads me, back to the one place that carries--- the grace that was waiting all along, waiting in, in the waiting place." - Hilary Weeks

SIX MONTHS LATER---I continue to find myself being stuck in the waiting place and not an obvious way to escape if I wanted to make the effort to do so. I legitimately made a mistake that no one in their lifetime should ever have to encounter or let alone deal with in a way that has at times felt next to impossible in more ways than I can comprehend. I did realize for the first time in months that I was not getting out of this spot any time soon and knowing what my new reality is must have been a lot harder for me to clearly see than it was for the colleague who purposefully allowed me to wake up shaken in the middle of the night. I may never understand in a million years why this had to happen to me and not feeling like it was completely planned to get me to where I am today. 


As a self advocate in the disability community, I have been told from people that all of the big things I have done make a difference for those around me and I am eternally grateful to know that is what I have achieved in my ten plus years in this environment. I have continuously sat in my waiting place anxiously hoping that my punishment will be over with soon and yet I know the rest of eternity this will be my life until I show up in the next life. I would never consider myself being a perfect colleague and feeling slightly out of place with all that I applied to participate in. I legitimately hate waiting every day for six months or if not longer to reconnect with someone that I wanted to be like when I grew up. Now that is not the case as I have made the effort with relearning from this experience and I am not the least bit proud of what happened in moments with uncertainty being a free for all on the table. I am never gonna be the perfect colleague who serves their whole heart with---knowing they have given it their best despite what took place six months earlier. At this very moment, I didn't want to necessarily feel obligated or numb to write this up today and yet here I am hoping that one person takes the time to read through my post. It has been a difficult journey filled with tears being shed, confusion about what could happen next in my life and not having any idea of how much it would affect me on a deeper level. I have struggled with maintaining healthy relationships with people who all they want to do is help me and I emotionally pushed them away because I knew a lot better than they did at the time. I'm also nervous about if my service on the council has been worthwhile and giving me a chance to grow into who I can be so much rather than who I could not ever become. 

The seconds pass relentlessly on as things in my life continue being stuck where they are and somehow that is a punishment I legitimately deserved to have. I am not writing up about this here to repeat every little trial that has ever taken place in my life, but to understand better who I never want to find myself being in all over again. It has never been easy for me to deeply take in what someone tells me in a very direct way and not realizing how much of a mark it left behind. I am doing all in my power to regain a trust from a colleague who may never for the rest of their life speak to me again, which as much as I'm significantly hurt by their words--I am not going to let it overtake who I am as a person. My deepened stubborn grip on controlling every aspect of my colleagues leadership role was painful and not exactly how a board member should behave. 

As you can imagine, this twisted turn in my life has been nothing short of an easy mistake to learn from and yet there are only more doors waiting to be opened up for me. I may never understand in a million years why I purposefully saw myself in a position that could have been avoided at all costs & not ever knowing what could happen down the road. I have grown so much more than I could have anticipated myself to during this time in life when I felt as if I was handling this on my own. My heavenly father knows how painfully difficult this journey has been for me and yet I am grateful for knowing he hasn't ever left my side for a second has been a dream. He has strengthened me through prayers that I've had to offer at night time and feeling his unconditional love every step of the way has given me a lot more hope than I could have asked for. 

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Mini Synopsis

In this disability inclusive retelling of Snow White, it was a very clear reminder of what it means to treat others with respect and integrity regardless if you are uniquely different than most people. There is a kid who has a severe intellectual disability and has to be taught how to maintain boundaries with people they associate with or want to get to know better. I know for me it was really hard not to feel the slightest bit sorry for making one mistake after the next and hoping it would all just be erased. However, I know that my experiences with this haven't necessarily been perceived as normal--but recognizing that I have a lot more potential to do hard things whenever asked. I may never be poisoned by eating an apple somebody brings over to my home, but sometimes throughout my life-- I have felt at one time or another this way with not knowing what I could have done better than what I did in that moment. I am never gonna not learn from my mistakes without feeling a little bit in this way and even if I may take it hard in the very beginning-- I know everything will be okay. 

The young man named Oliver in this story touched my heart through his unconditional love that he just simply wanted to give away to others and being reminded of what is appropriate along with what is not, which if you ask me is a different story for a later time!!! It certainly gave me a small glimpse into what happened with me earlier this year and not having been as careful with others as I should have been, but without going into details here--I know there is a lot more for me to still learn. 

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Free Write

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been journaling about random topics that have gotten my mind off things. They have given me a lot of unique perspectives on stuff and trying to do my best in making this somewhat of a high priority. I used to journal almost all the time until it was getting to be harder to keep my notebooks where they needed to be and they got torn apart easy. LONG STORY SHORT--I have just recently found myself getting back into this again and have quite enjoyed it more than I would have ever expected to. 

I am grateful for the many opportunities that I've taken to do much needed self care. I usually would think about this and never want to do much about it unless it was necessary in a time of anxiety getting into my path of where I need to be. I am definitely feeling so much comfort and peace from my Savior each day that passes on when I know things have felt more overwhelming than they need to be. I have been very much strengthened as I walk along this journey of life that has not always looked perfect-- but has just simply given me a chance to learn into the person I need to become. 

Some of these topics are:

My biggest fear that no one knows about is...

I wish I could invent...

If I could achieve only one thing in my whole life, that would be...

As you can see, this has allowed me so much unconditional love for myself and the advocate I want to be for others in the disability community. I may never understand a lot of what I am told from people-- but at the same time it has not always been easy to sink in either. I am definitely seeing a much brighter side of life than I have been able to see for a while and now I can only hope to feel reassured that all of this will be over soon. I have continued to remind myself that I can do all things with Christ and I know he will not ever leave me in a position that no one should see themselves up against. He has brought me a sense of confidence that I am stronger than I think and can overcome any trial that life throws into my path. He has guided me into the direction of my self advocacy that I need to be on and remember who I am in his eyes, regardless of what other people may think. 

He has allowed me to grow into the person I need to become and never lose sight of what his plan is for my life. I am grateful to him for answering my prayers and knowing that he will stick with me on every step of this journey. He knows that I am not perfect and have to allow him to walk beside me on what I know is going to benefit me more than I could ever imagine. 

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Weekend Stories

Night To Shine 2023 - The Genesis Project (Ogden, Utah)

I'm incredibly excited for this long awaited prom night event to take place and celebrate who individuals with special needs are in God's image every single day. It is truly an incredible experience to be all dressed up in formal attire and dance the night away with thousands of honored guests like us from across the country. This will be my seventh prom with hosted by the Tim Tebow Foundation which sponsors Night To Shine every single year and they are an organization who continuously gives back to so many people who are in need & want help get back on their feet no matter what circumstances they are faced up against in life everyday. (Updates To Come)

USILC Meeting (Late February)

Serving on USILC as a council member has been at times such an incredible experience to adapt and learn more about how I can better improve the quality of life for individuals with disabilities in our state. I'll be honest with you here, it has felt like I will never know as much as most individuals that reside in the disability community. I genuinely will admit that I may not have as much experience like others do having served for years on various councils. This continues to be the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken as a self advocate and still hope to be the kind of disability leader, self advocate, mentor, colleague and friend that people I work closely with deserve. I may have made a fair share of mistakes with not handling situations as properly as I should have and can only hope to go forward without any stress or anxiety getting itself in the way. I have admitted too many times before that I am not perfect or even close to it. There is nothing I am more emotional about than when it comes to feeling like an outsider, which happens more often than it should. Minus how overwhelming this is for me, I am grateful to know there are so many supporters right in my corner who want to cheer me on every step of the way. (Stay tuned for more!!)

Mission Accomplished (Mini Version)

Over the past two days, I reached out to my legislators in regards to issues that the disability community needs addressed. I may not have heard from all of them at the same time or anything like that--but I am grateful to have gotten a chance to email these important people and let them know what funding we all need to continue on with our programs in the future. I did struggle at times today and over the past two days with trying to realize how simplistic and approachable this is when I am not overthinking about--literally everything on my plate. Did I legitimately somehow forget to mention it was over 16 legislators??? Yes, You did hear that right folks!!! Sixteen legislators I reached out to over two days about our ongoing funding that we need to keep our IL programs running smoothly at all costs. We are also genuinely asking to get funding so we can have an accessibility elevator put into our building so it is a lot easier for consumers who are in wheelchairs can easily get inside the center without any problems. But who knows what will be happening for us?? Only time will tell at this point :) 

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Free Write

May 2022 (Hilary Weeks Music)

I have obviously written up quite a bit on this artists music and it has kept me sane throughout times in my life when I didn't know what to do. It has given me opportunities to reflect and deeply think about what I'll need to do better as I look forward into this next year. I am grateful for the inspiration and peace music gives me whenever I need it to lift my spirits on a regular basis. It has definitely given me a lot of extra time to remember what I can do and not pretend like things in daily life are too hard which sometimes anxiety does for me. Here are some of my favorite songs from this artist: Be Where You Are, Brave, Soul On Fire, There Is One, That's Who I Am, Discovering Me, Past The Point, The Waiting Place, etc.

July 2022 (NACDD Conference - DC Trip)

Minus how crazy it was to get home from this trip, I was incredibly grateful to have participated with my colleagues in an event that I'd never heard of before. I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to see just a few of the sites that our nation's capital has to offer. I really enjoyed getting to learn more about specific topics such as: Disability Inclusion in Literature, What lessons we took away from the past two years. I'm grateful for the experiences and lessons I took from this more than anything. I am not sure what other new travel adventures I will get to have in the distant future, but I sure cannot wait to adapt and grow so much more as a person. 

September 2022 (USILC Meeting)

Regardless of the fact this meeting went by a lot faster than it would've gone if I had done it over a laptop computer at home. I really liked being with my colleagues in person and getting to learn from then which at times feels more intimidating than it should. I was really grateful for the opportunity to express my opinion and share what needs to happen within the disability community. It was probably more of a reminder to me about why I love what I do with good people, who genuinely care and want the disability community to be a safe place.

November 2022 (Council Training)

I genuinely tried my hardest to learn as much as I could & participate with everyone else in attendance, which if you ask me is another story. I am trying with all my heart to make sure as a council member--- they are maintaining boundaries on a consistent basis and trying to be a good example for those around them. It's been a little stressful for me at times to not wish things did not feel so overwhelming with all that I have to adapt myself into these roles. 

New Goals For 2023:

- Continue to take care of myself on a regular basis and maintain boundaries with people. 

- Learn as much as I can about disability related issues & avoid the ones that will set off triggers.

- Impact the lives of everyone around me and remembering to focus on what is at hand. 

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Untitled Post

 January 2022 (Self Advocacy Session)

Two of my colleagues presented on a topic that I am very passionate about and hope to continue sharing with individuals in the disability community. I was very fortunate to have participated in their session--- not once but twice on the same day. It was incredible to learn from them about what it means to be a good self advocate and speaking up for ourselves--no matter what situation we are faced up against. I am truly grateful to not only work with them on a regular basis, but to call them my friends and people who I know will never stop trying to make a difference. 

February 2022 (Night To Shine)

It was truly one of the most unforgettable nights ever and loved getting to spend time with my friends. I am grateful to participate in an event where I can be reassured of God's love for people with disabilities-- all over the world. It was such an amazing night filled with smiles, laughter and memories that I know will be cherished forever. We danced the night away, received our prom queen tiaras and walked down stairs as we listened to our favorite songs, etc. 

March 2022 (Who is a woman in my life that I admire?)

LONG STORY SHORT---I mentioned one of my colleagues as someone who I admire and look up to so much more than I can put into words. They have welcomed me with open arms and given me reasons with never giving up on what is I can do. I am incredibly grateful for their example to me of what it truly means to be a self advocate, disability leader, mentor and friend towards others. I am grateful for their dedication to making the independent living community here in Utah--such a wonderful place and helping me realize what my true potential is to follow my dreams. 

April 2022 (Lessons Learned)

Minus all of the details I could share, this last year gave me opportunities to refocus on what I can do better and not worry so much about things. It does make me realize the potential I have to overcome anything that life throws at me and remembering to take care of myself when it is necessary. Sharing my time and talents with two governor appointed councils is truly an experience that I am so grateful for. It does feel a little overwhelming when there is so much to learn and take away from every virtual or in person meeting that I make an effort to attend. I legitimately know this is an important assignment for me to continue learning and understanding what it is I applied for. 

June 2022 (NINJA Conference)

This was my first time in over ten years that I could not participate like I used to. It was heartwarming to return back to what I dearly loved so much and not being as involved like I was before-- certainly if not more pulled at my heart strings. It was incredible to be reunited with great advocates who are going to change the world and make it an even better place. I am grateful for the memories this conference in particular gave me as I kept going back year after year. I will never forget the gratitude that I had in my heart as I look towards what my future holds and hoping for the best. 

August 2022 (Major Change)

LONG STORY SHORT--It was definitely one of the most bittersweet moments I ever experienced & one that I will keep close to my heart. I truly loved serving with my friends who wanted to share their input or advice in regards with making the lives of people with disabilities, a lot better. There were lots of tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened to the heartfelt words my friends were asked to share with me. I definitely was not prepared for this in any way and had to know there will be more opportunities- for me to keep growing as a self advocate. 

This year in 2022 has been at times an emotional rollercoaster of mixed feelings and changes I was not clearly prepared for. I have needed to come to terms with realizing that boundaries will keep my mental health in a good place and not leaving me off the deep end. It's also given me unforgettable experiences that I will cherish forever and can only hope more show up this next year in 2023. I continue to process almost everything with more tenderness than ever before and still have lot more to keep learning along this journey. 

(To Be Continued)

New Stories

Legislative Training 2023 (Final Decision)

After much contemplation & debate in my head--- I decided to give this event another chance in the hopes that my anxiety will not be easily triggered as it was before. I had a lot of anxiety inside my heart during a miniature session that I remember being left with emotional frustrations about. I ended up reaching out to one of my colleagues and simply asking them to pass me on the unseen agenda once the event is closer. I am obviously nervous with how things will leave me once I step out of that room & walk away with a big smile on my face. I am not certain if that will end up being the case or not this next year, but I will be very grateful to not have anymore frustrations on my plate. 

Missing Out (Mini Version)

I have to end up missing a very important visit with my colleagues this next week--due to the fact I will be waiting outside for my bus to show up and take me back home. I am disappointed with not getting to visit or see them once again which is gonna feel like an eternity. I was really looking forward to this time with them and now I will never get to share more of my input on stuff. Sometimes I need to make sacrifices in my leadership roles that I may not want to do in those moments and yet I have no choice but to miss it all completely so I can get back to volunteering at the elementary school. 

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Switched Over (Part Two)

 

Minus the blog post I shared on here yesterday---I am not sure if this will make any sense at all or help me feel better going forward in the disability community. I genuinely feel like a small fish in a big pond where I know there only more lessons to be learned along the way. It is obviously a different vibe than I would have anticipated going into this council and sometimes I visibly feel like everybody knows more about things than I do. 

Two of my colleagues have reassured me that I'm doing great & not trying to ruin what is at hand. I know my involvement seems a little insignificant at this moment and can only imagine all the new opportunities that lie ahead for me. There will be ups and downs along this journey which are not going to be unnoticed, as I continue learning what it means to be a legit board member who cares about their friends getting the best resources they will need to live in society.

Long Story Short--- I know this journey is not gonna be an easy one for me and I am comforted with recognizing that I'm still in good hands. I have so much more to bring onto these leadership roles and trying my hardest to not make the same mistakes I did in the past--which if you ask me have been able to teach me more than I deserve. I shed a lot of tears knowing that my presence was not where it had to be and I continued to let my emotions take over things. I'm not perfect in any sense of the word & yet I am hopeful things can settle down once I mirror what others are doing to make this experience that will be cherished for a lifetime. 

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Switched Over

EARLIER TODAY---I participated in one of my governor entity meetings over Zoom and little did I have any idea of what a major adjustment it would turn up to be. I dearly loved being involved on the so called "Youth Side" of things and now that has been turned upside down--all simply because I had to grow up & move on. I legitimately feel like an outsider who has absolutely no idea what lies ahead of them and just simply hoping for the best in my future. I am fairly certain they are going to be other chances for me with council members to be educated on what needs to be done for the disability community--but right now it is extremely hard not being able to overcome. I genuinely want to be a good board member of USILC and do whatever it takes to leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone I get to work with--which if you ask me, will be a dream come true. 

I'm not necessarily prepared for whatever lies in my path and can only hope for the best to come heading down this road. I am not sure what unknown places or goals I will have set out for myself---but I am just genuinely hoping for a successful outcome in whatever comes down my path. I am not necessarily one of those people who handles changes like this very well and only perceives the worst case scenario in every situation life has ever given them. 

(More To Come)

Final Bang

YESTERDAY--- I participated in my final meeting with a committee that I have loved for such a long time and making a tearful exit was harder than I expected. It did take a little longer for me to assist my best friend with getting them onto Zoom and tried my hardest to do what I could--but to make this very long story short-- they ended up joining us and I could get onto things. I was very grateful that my vice chair stepped up their game to help me out with stuff and they did a beautiful job!! I was very impressed with how they carried themselves in a position that I have never had to ask them to do and yet I could not have been more proud of their effort to make sure things were on course. 

Awhile later into the meeting--- I was able to get all caught up on what they discussed as a group and then it was my turn to be in the spotlight. All of my friends were asked in an email to share heartfelt words with how I have made an impact on their lives as I served on the committee. It was incredibly heartwarming for me to hear how many lives I was able to leave an imprint on their hearts in some way or another. I also did have tears rolling down my face as I listened to each of my committee members share their thoughts and I wrote up a letter that I wanted to read out loud to them before things ended. It could not have been perfect and eloquently said as I read through all that I had come up with to share with everybody. 

Long Story Short---I am looking forward to what lies ahead for me in the future and whatever USILC has in store for me will never cease to help me grow into the disability leader I need to become. I already miss everyone so much and they left a much bigger impact on me, than I ever could have on them which if you ask me is not an understatement. I love you all so much and look forward to seeing what the future has in store for every single of them. 

Signing off for the last time as your YLC Chair, (2021-2022)

Courtney Edgington 

Business Trip

NACDD Conference (Mini Story)

I'll admit that serving on two governor appointed councils has at times, made me feel like I'm a little bit of an outsider who wishes they knew a lot more in regards to disability awareness. It's obviously hard when I feel like everybody else knows more than I do, because they have more experience advocating for people with disabilities and I am just tagging along for the ride.

It was thoroughly enjoyable to learn about what other developmental disability councils are working on in their states and trying to get ideas from them in regards to making the UDDC better. I attended two break- out sessions that I really liked so much and was able to learn about ways we can make disability inclusion a part of literature, etc. I was able to share my feelings on what we learned from not being in the epidemic and trying to see how much we could grow from our experiences in it. 

Hotel Room Key Problem (Tenth Floor)

To make this very short--- I ended up going to the wrong number room in the hotel we were staying at and they had to call an engineer to come up and fix my entire door lock because the battery inside of it-- had died itself out. After waiting for a little period of time, the engineer person came up to my floor and helped me fix the door lock where you insert your room key into. Luckily, I was able to get into my room without any problems during the remainder of my stay there in Washington was a lot more pleasant and comfortable once I noticed my room temperature was set at 68 degrees. *(Much earlier that evening after getting into the hotel, I walked into my room and it was set at 62 degrees!!! Burr!! Talk about being extra cold when I just wanted to be in a nice warm bed and relax after a very long day of traveling in airplanes all day!!)

Coming Back Story (Mini Version)

We boarded the airplane that was going to fly us from DC all the way to Newark, New Jersey and then we would go from there back to Salt Lake. Our flight ended up getting delayed and canceled without any kind of notice whatsoever and being left stuck in the DC airport until we were able to make all of the new arrangements we needed to reschedule our flight to Chicago. There was apparently bad weather in New Jersey that would make the aircraft being unable to land safely. We were told that it would be an hour and forty five minute wait until they knew of anything else leading up to getting us back into Utah, which at the time felt an eternity because anything that I had expected to not go wrong ended up going in that direction. We were asked to deplane the airplane as well as gather all of our belongings and head back inside of the DC airport for what was supposed to be a four hour layover in New Jersey. We ended up having to rest up in the airport which if you ask me is not the best place to unwind from a business trip, but all of us made the best of what we had at the time. To make this story less complicated-- Our executive director had us grab all of our essentials that we'd need to have as we would have an overnight stay in Chicago. I was lucky enough to have grabbed all that I needed to make sure I was prepared and ready to go for tomorrow as we would finally head back home. (They did not necessarily feed us too much on the airplane which I did find rather odd because when you are on a flight for that period of time, all I wanted to do was have something in my stomach to hold me over.) #LikeForReals 

We had rescheduled our connecting flight from DC all the way to Chicago...but little did we know that was not going to end up being the case. There was a really bad rain and hail storm in Chicago and they were unable to land the plane, which lead to my anxiety being a lot worse than it needed to be. I forgot to mention that the unexpected turbulence that we felt like was as though we were riding on a rollercoaster, believe it or not--it's true!!! The pilot announced they would have to make a pit stop in Indianapolis which was right in front of us and at this point I just wanted everything to return back to normal and we could get on with the rest of our trip.


Prior to this happening I really tried my best to keep a smile on my face and yet the tears came, because I just simply wanted things to work out for us. (Luckily, I was able to get some comforting words and a very nice hug from my executive director who genuinely reassured me of knowing it would all be okay.) #TalkAboutAFirstTimeForEverything.

We finally made it back to Chicago and ended up booking a short night stay at the exact hotel that I competed at for the 2019 national miss amazing summit. It brought back a lot of memories for me as I walked into those doors and remembering the excitement that I had knowing it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to share with people what was really important to me. Me and my colleague had a chance to quickly grab a bite to eat before heading to find our hotel rooms for the evening. We finally got a chance to get all cleaned up and off to bed for the night--which if you ask me after the crazy day we experienced--it was so very much needed!! (Did I forget to mention that the airplane was old & had no air conditioning whatsoever?? Yes...No air conditioning and wearing a mask on your face inside of an old airplane with a lot of people crammed into one spot is a lot harder to deal with than you would think--Believe me!!!) 

Long Story Short---We ended up making it back into Salt Lake safely and then was able to find my mom after not having clear directions about where to find her outside of the airport. I did enjoy being involved with this event in a state that I have always wanted to visit and check out---which if you must know it was a dream come true!! I wished had an extra day with seeing a lot more sights and sounds of what DC had to offer but we had to get back home sooner than later. 

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Headlines

NACDD Conference (Washington)

It's obvious that my chances of being selected for this are not likely and whatever does happen is all in the hands of who makes the final decision. I would love to visit another state in our country that I have never seen before and can only hope to one day see that dream come true. It would be an amazing experience to learn more about what other developmental disability councils are working on to make our lives have a lot more purpose instead of just being excluded from this world. I am not certain my presence will be needed at this national event due to the fact-- I am not as experienced in a lot of things as you would easily think but you get the idea here??? Unless I hear of anything more in regards to this, I will keep you all updated on whatever happens next in my life!!!

People First Conference (Two Weeks)

This unforgettable event cannot arrive soon enough!!! I am excited for a chance to educate and inspire so many individuals with disabilities about the importance of self determination, while including a very fun filled activity that I hope everybody likes. It has been such a long time from when I was able to have any interactions with my friends since the health epidemic arrived & luckily it is completely died itself out of here. I am ready for a chance to make up for lost conversations and laughs that will be shared with every one who will be in attendance with us. Please stay tuned for updates and stories to come!!!

Ninja Conference (Repetitive)

It's been a part of my life for almost ten years and that to me has come and gone a little too fast. I am so grateful for the opportunity to head up to an event I love so much and not being as involved as I used to be has felt really weird. I am definitely going to be the most sentimental person in the room as I make a way through something that I've never looked back with regrets. It has been extremely painful for me-- with not being as involved as I have been in years past and it feels weird all the way around. I am truly saddened that my tender time with this conference has to come to a bittersweet end and not knowing if there will be anything for me in the future is another story. (More about this later!!!)

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Hilary Weeks - Keep Going

It's been an emotional rollercoaster for me to get here and not hide away from what is in my heart. I am grateful for the peace of mind this beautiful song and others have given me, when life was almost a little too unbearable to deal with and relearning lessons on a daily basis. It's obviously not been easy for me to lash out my feelings and not take the time to listen to what is being said... which is something I can make lots of improvements on everyday. I need to keep on going and not pretending to be someone that I'm not meant to be in this world--which sometimes is harder than you would think. I have never felt like this an issue that my heart needs to learn from and understand a little more, that will give me a peace of mind & not worrying about what others think. It has gotten harder for me to see the clearer picture of things here and yet I know is just a little bump in the road, that all of us come across at one time or another. I am so grateful for the opportunities that I have to keep on going and not taking what I do not know as close to heart as I have done way too many times in the past. This mistake of mine is one that I am confident is going to change my perspective on so many things and recognizing why it is so important to not have control over what other people are doing. It has given me a lot of reasons to understand why things in everyday life have to continue happening and keeping my mouth quiet as much as I can possible. I am grateful for the forgiveness that my Savior, Jesus Christ has for me and no matter what mistakes that I have made throughout my lifetime--He's always forgiven and loved me for who I am in his eyes. I love him so much and would not be the person I am today if it not had been for his example. He has allowed me chances to be someone who tries everyday to do better and not affront to what could have happened instead of the other way around.

(End Of Part One)

Mini Break

When I created this blog of mine six years ago---I only had a legitimate goal to write up 279 posts in honor of my favorite television sitcom, "The Big Bang Theory." However, I have been able to overly succeed the limited amount of posts I wanted to share with you all and it has become such an amazing experience for me. I have loved being able to share what is in my heart and getting my message clearly across to people about who I am without trying to impress or draw attention to myself. It's given me so much more perspective in some way I can make improvements with my writing abilities and with four hundred posts later--not making anymore posts until I am in a much better place.

LONG STORY SHORT---My anxiety has again taken over me in ways that I can only hope is slightly temporary and not an forever ride of mixed emotions. It has been extremely hard for me to pretend like this battle of mine is not a real thing that everybody struggles with and yet I have not kept this hidden off anymore. I am not sure if my heart needs me to do this in order to recognize how much of a stronger young women I am or if I am just simply too lazy to blog about stuff on here. Who knows??? 

I didn't legitimately realize that sharing experiences from "A Dancer's Life" would lead me into making this choice but I am not ready to continue blogging until my mental health is taken care of. I am grateful for my friends---who have stuck with me through an experience that I know is an never ending battle, but one that I know I am not the only person who struggles with this on a daily basis--but my inner thoughts need to recuperate themselves a little bit. (This is not necessarily a permanent decision by any means, but one that I have just really needed for some time now and I could not think of a more perfect time to unwind from blogging for what will only be a short period--not a lengthy one unless it needs be.)

(End Of Post)

Extra Nervous

Earlier today I was asked to lead my youth leadership committee through our virtual meeting and if you ask me it was a little bit of a nerve-wracking moment for me. I legitimately wanted to do my best as well as make a good impression on the new members and my favorite colleagues in the whole entire world. It is definitely hard when I have never done anything like this before and with being used to listening when I'm usually keeping my mouth shut was a little bit emotionally draining than I anticipated. The more times we have meetings virtually I will be able to transition into this leadership role a little bit better and I am so grateful to do it among the best set of friends ever!!! 

LONG STORY SHORT--- I ended up having a slight anxious moment due to the fact-- throughout these past ten years my heart has always been a part of the youth area in the IL community. It has touched my heart so much with all of the many friendships and bonds that I've gotten to make, which if you ask me will never leave me any time soon. It is definitely going to be very emotional for me to leave behind an important part of my life that I know will continue throughout this heart wrenching change. I am really gonna feel saddened to leave behind a part of my life that has given me so many opportunities to grow into a better person and learning how to navigate our crazy world. 

I didn't necessarily know how to approach this new role of being a chair person, if it had not been for the person who believed in me that I could do hard things. I absolutely felt peace in my heart as I logged into this meeting with not having any idea if I was even the individual qualified for it. I am grateful for all of the unconditional love, patience of my colleagues who I genuinely have so much complete and utter trust in knowing this group of people will take the youth leadership committee in the direction it needs to head towards. 

(Next Part Coming Tomorrow)

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 Anxiously Unprepared (Final Words)

As thrilled as I feel about this next year getting here and COVID being out of the picture, I can't even stop thinking about how sentimental it will be to complete my final months of being on a committee that I just dearly love so much. I am so grateful for the opportunities it has given me to participate in various things within the disability community and inspiring other self advocates to know that they can achieve whatever it is they want to in life. I am so grateful for the unconditional love and patience all of my friends have had with me as I continue to realize what else lies ahead for me, which if you must know will not be a pleasant or easy transition. I have loved getting to share these experiences with my friends who I know are going to move things forward to the best of their abilities, even after my time with them comes to an end. I am truly certain there are going to be tears involved when this day comes and I am not prepared for what it will just simply have planned out for me either. I am not someone who takes any changes that come into their path very easily and I am not ready to leave behind something that has changed my life for the past three and a half years almost. I am not certain there will be any chances of me coming back into a world that I cannot see myself not being in anymore and I cannot pretend like the anxiety will not come with it too. I will try my hardest to keep it together and yet I am not making any promises here, about whether or not someone such as myself will handle this in a mature fashion or just be a teary eyed mess the entire time. I am really unprepared for not knowing what my life has in store for me and hopefully I can maintain with everyone whose life I have been able to touch in some way or another. 

Dear YLC Members, 

"Some people can touch your life for a brief moment, but will leave an imprint for a lifetime."

This quote could not be more perfect as my tender time with our youth leadership committee ends on a very sentimental and bittersweet note. One of my biggest and personal goals was to leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone that I work with on any committee as well as the two councils I am currently just serving on for the next few years. I am certainly not one of those people who loves walking away from something that they know has been such a big part of their life is not going to be a happy moment. I am grateful for these three and a half years that I have gotten to serve with all of my incredible friends who have touched my life more than I can thank them enough times for. I love you all so much & look very much forward to keeping in touch with you all if it at all possible.

Tylee,

I'm not even sure where to begin with this...but I figure once next year rolls around I will not be ready or prepared to leave behind working with someone that I truly want to be like when I grow up. You are such an incredible leader, self advocate, mentor and friend whose imprint on my heart is not going anywhere or let alone to any unknown place. You have been a delight to get to know better as I have served as secretary and chair of a committee that will forever hold a special place in my heart. It has not been an easy path for me to walk down as life has put my faith to the test and knowing I could get through it with you made me realize so many things. I am grateful for your influence in my life as well as in the lives of everyone who has gotten to know you, has been changed for the better. As in the words from the popular hit Broadway Musical WICKED---"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." I cannot thank you nearly enough times for putting up with me as much as you had to and it was not easy to see teardrops rolling down my face on Zoom calls, having to silent yourself whenever my anxiety was out of control and no way for me to keep calm as much as I wanted to feel, etc. You're definitely someone who I am so grateful to have gotten to work with and associate with in a leadership role that I never imagined myself having ten years ago. I will never forget you and hope we can remain in touch with each other as well as visit over the phone if we ever get the chance!!! Thank you so much for being a third mom to me and will be for the rest of eternity...Yes, You do not have a choice to leave that position any time soon!!! :) 

- Courtney Edgington (Forever YLC Member/Officer) 

Free Write

 "What life lesson have you learned that you think could help others?"

This question continues to weigh itself on my mind & there is probably not much of anything I could share that would be helpful for someone else, if I am being honest. I have certainly done a fair share of reflection about what I need to do better with handling any situation or just not trying to beat myself up over something that was never intended to hurt me, etc. I am a very highly sensitive person and with all that I have on my plate, it does at times get a little hard to remember how I need to keep my own mental health in check everyday. I've learned to try evaluating what is really going on in any given moment and make sure I am being as careful as I can be, at all costs. 

I'd easily admit that doing much needed self care is what will get you through almost every situation and keeping yourself in control. It does get a little hard with trying to find the balance with how I need to be not only as a person, but someone who knows they make improvements. It will probably not be easy for me at times and yet I am more than willing to put my best self out there, no matter the obstacles that are going to be in my path. 

I've also had to learn in more ways than one, about trying to keep my boundaries with people that I am working with on my governor appointed councils. It has been tough not getting together in person and believe me, I have missed not being able to have a change of scenery and traveling to other places when I'd feel like that is exactly what I need to refocus on myself a little bit more. I have always struggled w/ all of this and not trying to make a complete fool of who I am, when life has had to teach me things I'd never imagine myself having to process (let alone having to understand on a professional level as well as the level of being a self advocate. 

(End Of Part One) 

Numb (Part Two)

My good friend Josh attended classes and activities at our independent living center for sixteen years, which kind of blew me away a little bit. I had no idea that his journey in the world of independent living began at such a young age and until his return back to the other side, I never would have guessed that his legacy of what it means to be a good leader, self advocate and everything in between would have lead me to where I am now. His example to me of trying to persevere through the hard times with a good attitude never ceased to amaze me in more ways than I could ever put into words in a blog post. He left an imprint on my heart in a way that I know will stick with me forever and cannot thank him enough for the person that he was in not only in my life, but in the lives of so many people. I may not have known him for nearly as long as other people did, but I am so grateful for the opportunity that I had of being acquainted with an extraordinary person who wanted nothing more than to see life in a different way. I am grateful for all of the many laughs we shared together with our friends and being reminded to not take life too seriously if not all the time. 

(Conclusion)

I struggled with my friend's unexpected return home three years ago and still cannot imagine how life has gone on without him. He had an entire road left for him to roll down and tackle experiences that I am sure he never imagined himself having until now. However, the song numb performed by David Archuleta got me through it in a way that I did not think was possible and the lyrics have gotten themselves stuck inside my head. I listened to the song on repeat multiple times and didn't find myself wanting any other song to be played expect for this one in particular. It kept me feeling numb towards what was going on in the moment when I clearly didn't want to feel anything more than guilt for not having known just the circumstances my friend Josh was faced up against. I had no idea there was a lot more happening in his life than what I was able to visibly see with my own two eyes. I am pretty certain my good friend Josh would not have wanted me to feel numb about him not being on this earth and not continuing to enjoy life to the fullest. He would want me to push through any obstacles that have ever come into my path and just tackle each of them in a way, that I did not think for even a second was possible.


I am grateful his legacy has continued to push me along these past almost eighteen months of so many unknowns and not having the answers I need to break through these walls, that legitimately kept me back from seeing the bigger picture. After learning some of the hardest lessons from these past several months, I know my life is nothing short of what you would call "A delightful walk of an experience for the most part and yet there are times when my numbness is so visibly real that I just let it out on other people. But it has gotten slightly easier to realize what my potential in life is to not continuously hold a grudge towards something I felt numb about. I am so thankful this song helped keep me sane when I felt like everything right in front of me, was falling apart with not any kind of explanation whatsoever. 

But what did I learn from this experience??

Life is never going to not hand us trials, that we will never be able to handle. It may not what we want in the moment we feel at such a loss with little to no energy-- but I am hopeful as a disability leader, self advocate, mentor and friend that I can keep in mind: "You are stronger than you think and braver than you realize." All I have to do is remind myself everyday--"You'll be able to handle anything that gets put into your hands and just believe in yourself to never stare back but just keep looking forward."