THREE YEARS AGO----I accidentally made one of the biggest mistakes that anybody in this society could ever learn from and knowing the permanent consequences left me feeling extra cautious whenever it comes to being around people within the disability community. I literally remember waking up shaken in the middle of the night and recognizing for the first time with my nervous system quietly reacting to a pyschological trigger with feeling out of breath among other symptoms. I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to help me see his hand in all of this uncertainty at the time and wanted more than anything to learn how my life was going to be years after.
I never meant to hurt the individual who now more than ever knows I made a fool of myself and wanted to immediately see this be erased. As I continued to process for months on what needed to be done, I did feel completely at peace after having kneeled down on my knees while pleading to my Heavenly Father to help me learn from this mistake and give me the comfort I really needed at the time. I knew my mistake would only continue to stick with me as I slowly moved forward with the reality of this experience. I genuinely did not mean to put the individual through all of this on purpose but yet it was something I knew the Lord was going to lovingly remind me about on a consistent basis and coming to terms with the loss of what I'll admit was not a socially appropriate relationship. I cried one too many times over this because the pain of what happened between me and the individual who was only doing their best in a very difficult leadership role I was extremely nervous about them going into.
LONG STORY SHORT----I started listening to the lyrics of what this song means to me on a personal level and have realized that I am only human. I even apologized for not having turned out to be what I perceived to be as the perfect colleague in their eyes and I was unable to do that for them. I felt almost vulnerable with wanting to see their face on a computer screen or let alone in person for a treacherous period of time and yet I knew it was the harsh reality I needed to live with. I obviously have no clearer idea about when they will ever regain my trust not only as a governor appointed entity council member and knowing I am forever left with the emotional scar of my inexcusable actions. Did any of this have to do with the fact that I have a genetic learning disorder... I am one hundred percent certain that it did and no matter how many short comings I have in life, I know the lessons behind this taught me what it means to be a professional at all times. I will admit it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me to keep my mouth shut and not want to share anything with them trying my hardest to not feel imtimdated by their way of maturity when it comes to processing your emotions.
It was literally one of the hardest times in my life and sometimes wish if I did not have FXS that I could have this erased completely. However, I know it will never be something I can undo or disappear with a magic wand if I even had access to something like that. I have contemplated many times about how I am going to be extra careful in making sure I never put someone else I really like into something such as this unfortunate situation. I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ for lovingly reminding me that he would never abandon one of his children in a trial of their faith and the moment I handed this to him----there was a sudden peace in my heart that everything would be okay. I knew it was going to take a lot of time on my end with getting to a point where I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel while recongizing that tears are the same when we are trying to grow something good--there is a difference between the teardrops and the rain. Think about the teardrops along with rain being vital to washing away pain and fostering good character that all of us want to pursue in this mortal life. I am just someone who despite their visible struggles with a genetic learning disorder know from time to time it will hit me that I am not necessarily like everybody else. I obviously may not make legitimate eye contact with people or capable of carrying on with any kind of conversation or let alone feeling a little out of place when it comes to things that life hands over to me.
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