When The Rain Falls (Part Two)

THREE YEARS AGO----I accidentally made one of the biggest mistakes that anybody in this society could ever learn from and knowing the permanent consequences left me feeling extra cautious whenever it comes to being around people within the disability community. I literally remember waking up shaken in the middle of the night and recognizing for the first time with my nervous system quietly reacting to a pyschological trigger with feeling out of breath among other symptoms. I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to help me see his hand in all of this uncertainty at the time and wanted more than anything to learn how my life was going to be years after. 

I never meant to hurt the individual who now more than ever knows I made a fool of myself and wanted to immediately see this be erased. As I continued to process for months on what needed to be done, I did feel completely at peace after having kneeled down on my knees while pleading to my Heavenly Father to help me learn from this mistake and give me the comfort I really needed at the time. I knew my mistake would only continue to stick with me as I slowly moved forward with the reality of this experience. I genuinely did not mean to put the individual through all of this on purpose but yet it was something I knew the Lord was going to lovingly remind me about on a consistent basis and coming to terms with the loss of what I'll admit was not a socially appropriate relationship. I cried one too many times over this because the pain of what happened between me and the individual who was only doing their best in a very difficult leadership role I was extremely nervous about them going into. 

LONG STORY SHORT----I started listening to the lyrics of what this song means to me on a personal level and have realized that I am only human. I even apologized for not having turned out to be what I perceived to be as the perfect colleague in their eyes and I was unable to do that for them. I felt almost vulnerable with wanting to see their face on a computer screen or let alone in person for a treacherous period of time and yet I knew it was the harsh reality I needed to live with. I obviously have no clearer idea about when they will ever regain my trust not only as a governor appointed entity council member and knowing I am forever left with the emotional scar of my inexcusable actions. Did any of this have to do with the fact that I have a genetic learning disorder... I am one hundred percent certain that it did and no matter how many short comings I have in life, I know the lessons behind this taught me what it means to be a professional at all times. I will admit it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me to keep my mouth shut and not want to share anything with them trying my hardest to not feel imtimdated by their way of maturity when it comes to processing your emotions. 

It was literally one of the hardest times in my life and sometimes wish if I did not have FXS that I could have this erased completely. However, I know it will never be something I can undo or disappear with a magic wand if I even had access to something like that. I have contemplated many times about how I am going to be extra careful in making sure I never put someone else I really like into something such as this unfortunate situation. I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ for lovingly reminding me that he would never abandon one of his children in a trial of their faith and the moment I handed this to him----there was a sudden peace in my heart that everything would be okay. I knew it was going to take a lot of time on my end with getting to a point where I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel while recongizing that tears are the same when we are trying to grow something good--there is a difference between the teardrops and the rain. Think about the teardrops along with rain being vital to washing away pain and fostering good character that all of us want to pursue in this mortal life. I am just someone who despite their visible struggles with a genetic learning disorder know from time to time it will hit me that I am not necessarily like everybody else. I obviously may not make legitimate eye contact with people or capable of carrying on with any kind of conversation or let alone feeling a little out of place when it comes to things that life hands over to me. 

(End Of Post)

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Encouragement

New Leadership Role (Unofficial Business)

LONG STORY SHORT----I still have not been elected in officially to become vice chair for the advocacy first group at my independent living center. I am not quite sure what is taking such a long time for this to all take place or if there is a lot more to the process than what I really expected---but who knows if much of anything will occur from this. I have been waiting anxiously for this to take place and have a feeling it may not be one of their top priorities at this time, with all that needs to happen leading up to serving in an entire new role that I have never taken on before. 

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

LAST NIGHT----I was really saddened after watching the too close for comfort basketball game that the BYUWBB team ended up short on against an opponent that no one expected to be very good. I have felt the need to share this beautiful quote with one of the assistant coaches and I am not particularly certain if it was what they needed to read at the time, but I hope it was able to lift their spirits in some way that was going to put a smile on their face. 

After I looked up the meaning behind these song lyrics, I was able to find out that it signifies that moving beyond personal limiatations and self reliance to find stronger, deeper faith through direct, personal relying on our Savior, Jesus Christ particularly in challenging times. I love my Savior so much more than I could even put into words at the moment and knowing he has stuck with me through everything that has ocurred in my life is such a blessing. 

Even though the outcome of this basketball game was painful for everybody, I know the lord's hand was in every aspect of it with the players and letting them know it would all be made right. I have complete along with utter faith that our team will bring out their fire into what they put into their last game against our not to be named rivalry school and pull off another victorious dub. I may not know much about basketball and how everything about the game plays out---but I am confident we can keep our heads up high I believe we willl be able to do it. 

I know our basketball teams need to work extra hard this week to pull off wins and make our fans really proud of their efforts to give it everything they have. I know it will be really tough to not have our best players out there on the court and helping our team look as good as we possibly can---but I feel like it's all gonna work out for us in some way or another. 

I am sending my positive vibes and best wishes to both teams as we prepare for what I know will not be an easy task ahead for them to take on opponents that are going to be either a lot more prepared than us or who knows what the situation is going to be??? 

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Waiting Place

"Little by little, He frees me. Moment by moment, releasing, my grip, my stubborn need to be in control, of everything. Over and over, He leads me, back to the one place that carries--- the grace that was waiting all along, waiting in, in the waiting place." - Hilary Weeks

SIX MONTHS LATER---I continue to find myself being stuck in the waiting place and not an obvious way to escape if I wanted to make the effort to do so. I legitimately made a mistake that no one in their lifetime should ever have to encounter or let alone deal with in a way that has at times felt next to impossible in more ways than I can comprehend. I did realize for the first time in months that I was not getting out of this spot any time soon and knowing what my new reality is must have been a lot harder for me to clearly see than it was for the colleague who purposefully allowed me to wake up shaken in the middle of the night. I may never understand in a million years why this had to happen to me and not feeling like it was completely planned to get me to where I am today. 


As a self advocate in the disability community, I have been told from people that all of the big things I have done make a difference for those around me and I am eternally grateful to know that is what I have achieved in my ten plus years in this environment. I have continuously sat in my waiting place anxiously hoping that my punishment will be over with soon and yet I know the rest of eternity this will be my life until I show up in the next life. I would never consider myself being a perfect colleague and feeling slightly out of place with all that I applied to participate in. I legitimately hate waiting every day for six months or if not longer to reconnect with someone that I wanted to be like when I grew up. Now that is not the case as I have made the effort with relearning from this experience and I am not the least bit proud of what happened in moments with uncertainty being a free for all on the table. I am never gonna be the perfect colleague who serves their whole heart with---knowing they have given it their best despite what took place six months earlier. At this very moment, I didn't want to necessarily feel obligated or numb to write this up today and yet here I am hoping that one person takes the time to read through my post. It has been a difficult journey filled with tears being shed, confusion about what could happen next in my life and not having any idea of how much it would affect me on a deeper level. I have struggled with maintaining healthy relationships with people who all they want to do is help me and I emotionally pushed them away because I knew a lot better than they did at the time. I'm also nervous about if my service on the council has been worthwhile and giving me a chance to grow into who I can be so much rather than who I could not ever become. 

The seconds pass relentlessly on as things in my life continue being stuck where they are and somehow that is a punishment I legitimately deserved to have. I am not writing up about this here to repeat every little trial that has ever taken place in my life, but to understand better who I never want to find myself being in all over again. It has never been easy for me to deeply take in what someone tells me in a very direct way and not realizing how much of a mark it left behind. I am doing all in my power to regain a trust from a colleague who may never for the rest of their life speak to me again, which as much as I'm significantly hurt by their words--I am not going to let it overtake who I am as a person. My deepened stubborn grip on controlling every aspect of my colleagues leadership role was painful and not exactly how a board member should behave. 

As you can imagine, this twisted turn in my life has been nothing short of an easy mistake to learn from and yet there are only more doors waiting to be opened up for me. I may never understand in a million years why I purposefully saw myself in a position that could have been avoided at all costs & not ever knowing what could happen down the road. I have grown so much more than I could have anticipated myself to during this time in life when I felt as if I was handling this on my own. My heavenly father knows how painfully difficult this journey has been for me and yet I am grateful for knowing he hasn't ever left my side for a second has been a dream. He has strengthened me through prayers that I've had to offer at night time and feeling his unconditional love every step of the way has given me a lot more hope than I could have asked for. 

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Free Write

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been journaling about random topics that have gotten my mind off things. They have given me a lot of unique perspectives on stuff and trying to do my best in making this somewhat of a high priority. I used to journal almost all the time until it was getting to be harder to keep my notebooks where they needed to be and they got torn apart easy. LONG STORY SHORT--I have just recently found myself getting back into this again and have quite enjoyed it more than I would have ever expected to. 

I am grateful for the many opportunities that I've taken to do much needed self care. I usually would think about this and never want to do much about it unless it was necessary in a time of anxiety getting into my path of where I need to be. I am definitely feeling so much comfort and peace from my Savior each day that passes on when I know things have felt more overwhelming than they need to be. I have been very much strengthened as I walk along this journey of life that has not always looked perfect-- but has just simply given me a chance to learn into the person I need to become. 

Some of these topics are:

My biggest fear that no one knows about is...

I wish I could invent...

If I could achieve only one thing in my whole life, that would be...

As you can see, this has allowed me so much unconditional love for myself and the advocate I want to be for others in the disability community. I may never understand a lot of what I am told from people-- but at the same time it has not always been easy to sink in either. I am definitely seeing a much brighter side of life than I have been able to see for a while and now I can only hope to feel reassured that all of this will be over soon. I have continued to remind myself that I can do all things with Christ and I know he will not ever leave me in a position that no one should see themselves up against. He has brought me a sense of confidence that I am stronger than I think and can overcome any trial that life throws into my path. He has guided me into the direction of my self advocacy that I need to be on and remember who I am in his eyes, regardless of what other people may think. 

He has allowed me to grow into the person I need to become and never lose sight of what his plan is for my life. I am grateful to him for answering my prayers and knowing that he will stick with me on every step of this journey. He knows that I am not perfect and have to allow him to walk beside me on what I know is going to benefit me more than I could ever imagine. 

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Free Write

May 2022 (Hilary Weeks Music)

I have obviously written up quite a bit on this artists music and it has kept me sane throughout times in my life when I didn't know what to do. It has given me opportunities to reflect and deeply think about what I'll need to do better as I look forward into this next year. I am grateful for the inspiration and peace music gives me whenever I need it to lift my spirits on a regular basis. It has definitely given me a lot of extra time to remember what I can do and not pretend like things in daily life are too hard which sometimes anxiety does for me. Here are some of my favorite songs from this artist: Be Where You Are, Brave, Soul On Fire, There Is One, That's Who I Am, Discovering Me, Past The Point, The Waiting Place, etc.

July 2022 (NACDD Conference - DC Trip)

Minus how crazy it was to get home from this trip, I was incredibly grateful to have participated with my colleagues in an event that I'd never heard of before. I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to see just a few of the sites that our nation's capital has to offer. I really enjoyed getting to learn more about specific topics such as: Disability Inclusion in Literature, What lessons we took away from the past two years. I'm grateful for the experiences and lessons I took from this more than anything. I am not sure what other new travel adventures I will get to have in the distant future, but I sure cannot wait to adapt and grow so much more as a person. 

September 2022 (USILC Meeting)

Regardless of the fact this meeting went by a lot faster than it would've gone if I had done it over a laptop computer at home. I really liked being with my colleagues in person and getting to learn from then which at times feels more intimidating than it should. I was really grateful for the opportunity to express my opinion and share what needs to happen within the disability community. It was probably more of a reminder to me about why I love what I do with good people, who genuinely care and want the disability community to be a safe place.

November 2022 (Council Training)

I genuinely tried my hardest to learn as much as I could & participate with everyone else in attendance, which if you ask me is another story. I am trying with all my heart to make sure as a council member--- they are maintaining boundaries on a consistent basis and trying to be a good example for those around them. It's been a little stressful for me at times to not wish things did not feel so overwhelming with all that I have to adapt myself into these roles. 

New Goals For 2023:

- Continue to take care of myself on a regular basis and maintain boundaries with people. 

- Learn as much as I can about disability related issues & avoid the ones that will set off triggers.

- Impact the lives of everyone around me and remembering to focus on what is at hand. 

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New Stories

Legislative Training 2023 (Final Decision)

After much contemplation & debate in my head--- I decided to give this event another chance in the hopes that my anxiety will not be easily triggered as it was before. I had a lot of anxiety inside my heart during a miniature session that I remember being left with emotional frustrations about. I ended up reaching out to one of my colleagues and simply asking them to pass me on the unseen agenda once the event is closer. I am obviously nervous with how things will leave me once I step out of that room & walk away with a big smile on my face. I am not certain if that will end up being the case or not this next year, but I will be very grateful to not have anymore frustrations on my plate. 

Missing Out (Mini Version)

I have to end up missing a very important visit with my colleagues this next week--due to the fact I will be waiting outside for my bus to show up and take me back home. I am disappointed with not getting to visit or see them once again which is gonna feel like an eternity. I was really looking forward to this time with them and now I will never get to share more of my input on stuff. Sometimes I need to make sacrifices in my leadership roles that I may not want to do in those moments and yet I have no choice but to miss it all completely so I can get back to volunteering at the elementary school. 

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Mid Week Update

Nashville Trip (One Week)

I'm excited for the chance to be in a new state that I have wanted to visit and check out--which if you ask me is nothing short of an understatement. I am ready to get away for a couple of days and refocus on what can be done as I persevere through some hard stuff. I know it is gonna be an incredible experience for me and my family to spend time with each other, but also explore what the state of Tennessee has to offer. It's certainly gonna be awhile until I can get myself back into blogging once this trip is done. I am ready for a chance to take care of myself a little more and get some decent photos while my family is there visiting. I know it will end up going by too fast--but there is only so much more I am anxious to see in person while we are there!!!

Council Member Status (Unofficial Story)

LONG STORY SHORT---I have so much more to still learn and get used to... but I am grateful for new opportunities to grow and develop more of my talents. I am obviously trying to have a smooth transition as this continues to be an emotional chapter in my life, but I cannot simply give up to make myself feel better about things. When I am solely committed to anything, I'd never want to pretend like this isn't necessarily if not the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken in my lifetime, but is there not anything I am not capable with being able to do???

I am truly grateful for the chances I have to serve with so many people who love what they do and just want the best for me in my time on the council. I know this was not gonna be an easy transition for me to become used to as things in my life change and try to fall into their places, which I am not sure if it's what I really want or simply need. I cannot necessarily return back to those unforgettable youthful days of mine but I am determined to keep being a good example for others as much as I can be possible. I am obviously not sure what other adventures lie in my path between now and then--but if I do end up with a decision to be made I will let you know. 

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Switched Over (Part Two)

 

Minus the blog post I shared on here yesterday---I am not sure if this will make any sense at all or help me feel better going forward in the disability community. I genuinely feel like a small fish in a big pond where I know there only more lessons to be learned along the way. It is obviously a different vibe than I would have anticipated going into this council and sometimes I visibly feel like everybody knows more about things than I do. 

Two of my colleagues have reassured me that I'm doing great & not trying to ruin what is at hand. I know my involvement seems a little insignificant at this moment and can only imagine all the new opportunities that lie ahead for me. There will be ups and downs along this journey which are not going to be unnoticed, as I continue learning what it means to be a legit board member who cares about their friends getting the best resources they will need to live in society.

Long Story Short--- I know this journey is not gonna be an easy one for me and I am comforted with recognizing that I'm still in good hands. I have so much more to bring onto these leadership roles and trying my hardest to not make the same mistakes I did in the past--which if you ask me have been able to teach me more than I deserve. I shed a lot of tears knowing that my presence was not where it had to be and I continued to let my emotions take over things. I'm not perfect in any sense of the word & yet I am hopeful things can settle down once I mirror what others are doing to make this experience that will be cherished for a lifetime. 

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Switched Over

EARLIER TODAY---I participated in one of my governor entity meetings over Zoom and little did I have any idea of what a major adjustment it would turn up to be. I dearly loved being involved on the so called "Youth Side" of things and now that has been turned upside down--all simply because I had to grow up & move on. I legitimately feel like an outsider who has absolutely no idea what lies ahead of them and just simply hoping for the best in my future. I am fairly certain they are going to be other chances for me with council members to be educated on what needs to be done for the disability community--but right now it is extremely hard not being able to overcome. I genuinely want to be a good board member of USILC and do whatever it takes to leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone I get to work with--which if you ask me, will be a dream come true. 

I'm not necessarily prepared for whatever lies in my path and can only hope for the best to come heading down this road. I am not sure what unknown places or goals I will have set out for myself---but I am just genuinely hoping for a successful outcome in whatever comes down my path. I am not necessarily one of those people who handles changes like this very well and only perceives the worst case scenario in every situation life has ever given them. 

(More To Come)

Business Trip

NACDD Conference (Mini Story)

I'll admit that serving on two governor appointed councils has at times, made me feel like I'm a little bit of an outsider who wishes they knew a lot more in regards to disability awareness. It's obviously hard when I feel like everybody else knows more than I do, because they have more experience advocating for people with disabilities and I am just tagging along for the ride.

It was thoroughly enjoyable to learn about what other developmental disability councils are working on in their states and trying to get ideas from them in regards to making the UDDC better. I attended two break- out sessions that I really liked so much and was able to learn about ways we can make disability inclusion a part of literature, etc. I was able to share my feelings on what we learned from not being in the epidemic and trying to see how much we could grow from our experiences in it. 

Hotel Room Key Problem (Tenth Floor)

To make this very short--- I ended up going to the wrong number room in the hotel we were staying at and they had to call an engineer to come up and fix my entire door lock because the battery inside of it-- had died itself out. After waiting for a little period of time, the engineer person came up to my floor and helped me fix the door lock where you insert your room key into. Luckily, I was able to get into my room without any problems during the remainder of my stay there in Washington was a lot more pleasant and comfortable once I noticed my room temperature was set at 68 degrees. *(Much earlier that evening after getting into the hotel, I walked into my room and it was set at 62 degrees!!! Burr!! Talk about being extra cold when I just wanted to be in a nice warm bed and relax after a very long day of traveling in airplanes all day!!)

Coming Back Story (Mini Version)

We boarded the airplane that was going to fly us from DC all the way to Newark, New Jersey and then we would go from there back to Salt Lake. Our flight ended up getting delayed and canceled without any kind of notice whatsoever and being left stuck in the DC airport until we were able to make all of the new arrangements we needed to reschedule our flight to Chicago. There was apparently bad weather in New Jersey that would make the aircraft being unable to land safely. We were told that it would be an hour and forty five minute wait until they knew of anything else leading up to getting us back into Utah, which at the time felt an eternity because anything that I had expected to not go wrong ended up going in that direction. We were asked to deplane the airplane as well as gather all of our belongings and head back inside of the DC airport for what was supposed to be a four hour layover in New Jersey. We ended up having to rest up in the airport which if you ask me is not the best place to unwind from a business trip, but all of us made the best of what we had at the time. To make this story less complicated-- Our executive director had us grab all of our essentials that we'd need to have as we would have an overnight stay in Chicago. I was lucky enough to have grabbed all that I needed to make sure I was prepared and ready to go for tomorrow as we would finally head back home. (They did not necessarily feed us too much on the airplane which I did find rather odd because when you are on a flight for that period of time, all I wanted to do was have something in my stomach to hold me over.) #LikeForReals 

We had rescheduled our connecting flight from DC all the way to Chicago...but little did we know that was not going to end up being the case. There was a really bad rain and hail storm in Chicago and they were unable to land the plane, which lead to my anxiety being a lot worse than it needed to be. I forgot to mention that the unexpected turbulence that we felt like was as though we were riding on a rollercoaster, believe it or not--it's true!!! The pilot announced they would have to make a pit stop in Indianapolis which was right in front of us and at this point I just wanted everything to return back to normal and we could get on with the rest of our trip.


Prior to this happening I really tried my best to keep a smile on my face and yet the tears came, because I just simply wanted things to work out for us. (Luckily, I was able to get some comforting words and a very nice hug from my executive director who genuinely reassured me of knowing it would all be okay.) #TalkAboutAFirstTimeForEverything.

We finally made it back to Chicago and ended up booking a short night stay at the exact hotel that I competed at for the 2019 national miss amazing summit. It brought back a lot of memories for me as I walked into those doors and remembering the excitement that I had knowing it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to share with people what was really important to me. Me and my colleague had a chance to quickly grab a bite to eat before heading to find our hotel rooms for the evening. We finally got a chance to get all cleaned up and off to bed for the night--which if you ask me after the crazy day we experienced--it was so very much needed!! (Did I forget to mention that the airplane was old & had no air conditioning whatsoever?? Yes...No air conditioning and wearing a mask on your face inside of an old airplane with a lot of people crammed into one spot is a lot harder to deal with than you would think--Believe me!!!) 

Long Story Short---We ended up making it back into Salt Lake safely and then was able to find my mom after not having clear directions about where to find her outside of the airport. I did enjoy being involved with this event in a state that I have always wanted to visit and check out---which if you must know it was a dream come true!! I wished had an extra day with seeing a lot more sights and sounds of what DC had to offer but we had to get back home sooner than later. 

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Headlines

NACDD Conference (Washington)

It's obvious that my chances of being selected for this are not likely and whatever does happen is all in the hands of who makes the final decision. I would love to visit another state in our country that I have never seen before and can only hope to one day see that dream come true. It would be an amazing experience to learn more about what other developmental disability councils are working on to make our lives have a lot more purpose instead of just being excluded from this world. I am not certain my presence will be needed at this national event due to the fact-- I am not as experienced in a lot of things as you would easily think but you get the idea here??? Unless I hear of anything more in regards to this, I will keep you all updated on whatever happens next in my life!!!

People First Conference (Two Weeks)

This unforgettable event cannot arrive soon enough!!! I am excited for a chance to educate and inspire so many individuals with disabilities about the importance of self determination, while including a very fun filled activity that I hope everybody likes. It has been such a long time from when I was able to have any interactions with my friends since the health epidemic arrived & luckily it is completely died itself out of here. I am ready for a chance to make up for lost conversations and laughs that will be shared with every one who will be in attendance with us. Please stay tuned for updates and stories to come!!!

Ninja Conference (Repetitive)

It's been a part of my life for almost ten years and that to me has come and gone a little too fast. I am so grateful for the opportunity to head up to an event I love so much and not being as involved as I used to be has felt really weird. I am definitely going to be the most sentimental person in the room as I make a way through something that I've never looked back with regrets. It has been extremely painful for me-- with not being as involved as I have been in years past and it feels weird all the way around. I am truly saddened that my tender time with this conference has to come to a bittersweet end and not knowing if there will be anything for me in the future is another story. (More about this later!!!)

Mini Break

When I created this blog of mine six years ago---I only had a legitimate goal to write up 279 posts in honor of my favorite television sitcom, "The Big Bang Theory." However, I have been able to overly succeed the limited amount of posts I wanted to share with you all and it has become such an amazing experience for me. I have loved being able to share what is in my heart and getting my message clearly across to people about who I am without trying to impress or draw attention to myself. It's given me so much more perspective in some way I can make improvements with my writing abilities and with four hundred posts later--not making anymore posts until I am in a much better place.

LONG STORY SHORT---My anxiety has again taken over me in ways that I can only hope is slightly temporary and not an forever ride of mixed emotions. It has been extremely hard for me to pretend like this battle of mine is not a real thing that everybody struggles with and yet I have not kept this hidden off anymore. I am not sure if my heart needs me to do this in order to recognize how much of a stronger young women I am or if I am just simply too lazy to blog about stuff on here. Who knows??? 

I didn't legitimately realize that sharing experiences from "A Dancer's Life" would lead me into making this choice but I am not ready to continue blogging until my mental health is taken care of. I am grateful for my friends---who have stuck with me through an experience that I know is an never ending battle, but one that I know I am not the only person who struggles with this on a daily basis--but my inner thoughts need to recuperate themselves a little bit. (This is not necessarily a permanent decision by any means, but one that I have just really needed for some time now and I could not think of a more perfect time to unwind from blogging for what will only be a short period--not a lengthy one unless it needs be.)

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Timeline

January:

Essentials

What an unforgettable experience getting to learn more about "Why do I need to advocate" among so many other things in between. I am so grateful for the opportunity to participate in this virtual event and in hopes to get a little more interaction with people who will be participating with us.

February: 

Prom Night

Getting another chance to once again participate in this worldwide prom event is a dream come true!!! It's such a fun experience to spend quality time with my friends and make memories that we will cherish for the rest of eternity. If you have never heard about this event before, you are definitely missing out on such an incredible movement that continues to impact the lives of people like me and many others. Please stay tuned for an update on this event once it gets closer!! :) 

March:

Recuperates

This month was one of the hardest for me on so many levels and yet I continued to recognize how much better I can be when it comes to boundaries as well as keeping my mental health in check at all times. It was extremely hard for me to not participate on a meeting and not have tears rolling down my cheeks--- because I felt like I must be too much of a burden on someone's plate. I have really grown so much with in the last year and can only hope to do better from here on out--(or into the future!!)

April: 

Perfect Birthday

I legitimately made the decision to give a colleague of mine their own birthday post :) I know it was not going to be the last one I would ever let them know about or pretend like it didn't mean something deep down inside of them. I am so grateful for this person who has continuously put up with me in ways that no one should ever have to face either on their own or in everyday life-- but I knew in my heart they did need someone to show that they cared!!

June:

Conferenced Out

This virtual NINJA Conference was probably more enjoyable than the one before. It was such a visible struggle for me to not lash out my emotions and want to hide away from everything bad that had been going on in the world. I felt a little more at peace with trying to pay more attention to the lessons and skills we needed to learn as self advocates, mentors and people within the disability community on a regular basis. I truly cannot owe USILC nearly enough for changing my life in a way that will stay w/ me forever and I am so grateful for everything they have done to make me the self advocate that I am today. 

August:

Nomination

This nomination from my best friend Camille somehow unexpectedly came true!!! I didn't necessarily believe that just because my name was getting put inside of the ring-- I would even find myself actually doing all of the tasks I have been asked to tackle. Little did I know what an unforgettable honor and just overall privilege it would be for me to lead virtual meetings with the best group of self advocates ever and continuing to learn from them every other month is an amazing experience.

October:

Official Chair

Ninja Trailer

Getting the privilege to serve in this leadership capacity has been life changing and I cannot thank all of my friends nearly enough for their unconditional love, support, patience, kindness and everything else in between that they have given me when I have felt like I am not deserving of it whatsoever. It's been an amazing experience for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn new ways to showcase all of my leadership skills. 

#NINJAPrideForever

November:

Special Event

My best friend Camille tied the knot with her now husband Sam & I could not be more than happy for them!!! I truly loved being a part of her special day with smiles and laughs to share all day long-- which if you ask me did get a little exhausting after some time, but it was an unforgettable day that I know will be cherished forever. 

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 Anxiously Unprepared (Final Words)

As thrilled as I feel about this next year getting here and COVID being out of the picture, I can't even stop thinking about how sentimental it will be to complete my final months of being on a committee that I just dearly love so much. I am so grateful for the opportunities it has given me to participate in various things within the disability community and inspiring other self advocates to know that they can achieve whatever it is they want to in life. I am so grateful for the unconditional love and patience all of my friends have had with me as I continue to realize what else lies ahead for me, which if you must know will not be a pleasant or easy transition. I have loved getting to share these experiences with my friends who I know are going to move things forward to the best of their abilities, even after my time with them comes to an end. I am truly certain there are going to be tears involved when this day comes and I am not prepared for what it will just simply have planned out for me either. I am not someone who takes any changes that come into their path very easily and I am not ready to leave behind something that has changed my life for the past three and a half years almost. I am not certain there will be any chances of me coming back into a world that I cannot see myself not being in anymore and I cannot pretend like the anxiety will not come with it too. I will try my hardest to keep it together and yet I am not making any promises here, about whether or not someone such as myself will handle this in a mature fashion or just be a teary eyed mess the entire time. I am really unprepared for not knowing what my life has in store for me and hopefully I can maintain with everyone whose life I have been able to touch in some way or another. 

Dear YLC Members, 

"Some people can touch your life for a brief moment, but will leave an imprint for a lifetime."

This quote could not be more perfect as my tender time with our youth leadership committee ends on a very sentimental and bittersweet note. One of my biggest and personal goals was to leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone that I work with on any committee as well as the two councils I am currently just serving on for the next few years. I am certainly not one of those people who loves walking away from something that they know has been such a big part of their life is not going to be a happy moment. I am grateful for these three and a half years that I have gotten to serve with all of my incredible friends who have touched my life more than I can thank them enough times for. I love you all so much & look very much forward to keeping in touch with you all if it at all possible.

Tylee,

I'm not even sure where to begin with this...but I figure once next year rolls around I will not be ready or prepared to leave behind working with someone that I truly want to be like when I grow up. You are such an incredible leader, self advocate, mentor and friend whose imprint on my heart is not going anywhere or let alone to any unknown place. You have been a delight to get to know better as I have served as secretary and chair of a committee that will forever hold a special place in my heart. It has not been an easy path for me to walk down as life has put my faith to the test and knowing I could get through it with you made me realize so many things. I am grateful for your influence in my life as well as in the lives of everyone who has gotten to know you, has been changed for the better. As in the words from the popular hit Broadway Musical WICKED---"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." I cannot thank you nearly enough times for putting up with me as much as you had to and it was not easy to see teardrops rolling down my face on Zoom calls, having to silent yourself whenever my anxiety was out of control and no way for me to keep calm as much as I wanted to feel, etc. You're definitely someone who I am so grateful to have gotten to work with and associate with in a leadership role that I never imagined myself having ten years ago. I will never forget you and hope we can remain in touch with each other as well as visit over the phone if we ever get the chance!!! Thank you so much for being a third mom to me and will be for the rest of eternity...Yes, You do not have a choice to leave that position any time soon!!! :) 

- Courtney Edgington (Forever YLC Member/Officer) 

Free Write

 "What life lesson have you learned that you think could help others?"

This question continues to weigh itself on my mind & there is probably not much of anything I could share that would be helpful for someone else, if I am being honest. I have certainly done a fair share of reflection about what I need to do better with handling any situation or just not trying to beat myself up over something that was never intended to hurt me, etc. I am a very highly sensitive person and with all that I have on my plate, it does at times get a little hard to remember how I need to keep my own mental health in check everyday. I've learned to try evaluating what is really going on in any given moment and make sure I am being as careful as I can be, at all costs. 

I'd easily admit that doing much needed self care is what will get you through almost every situation and keeping yourself in control. It does get a little hard with trying to find the balance with how I need to be not only as a person, but someone who knows they make improvements. It will probably not be easy for me at times and yet I am more than willing to put my best self out there, no matter the obstacles that are going to be in my path. 

I've also had to learn in more ways than one, about trying to keep my boundaries with people that I am working with on my governor appointed councils. It has been tough not getting together in person and believe me, I have missed not being able to have a change of scenery and traveling to other places when I'd feel like that is exactly what I need to refocus on myself a little bit more. I have always struggled w/ all of this and not trying to make a complete fool of who I am, when life has had to teach me things I'd never imagine myself having to process (let alone having to understand on a professional level as well as the level of being a self advocate. 

(End Of Part One) 

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NINJA Alumni Call (Highlights)

Getting a chance to spend virtual time with my ninja friends is always a treat for me :) I love getting to catch up with each other and see their faces after some time was much needed, which if you ask me is never anything I take for granted. I have greatly missed not getting to be with my friends in person and getting to tell stories, laugh until it hurts, stay up late into the evening hours, etc. We also participated in doing a virtual scavenger hunt and it was really fun to search around for items that had to be a particular texture, shape, color, etc. I definitely may have had a little too much fun trying to not waste my time with looking for items that we were asked to find around inside our homes, but loved every minute of it :) I am grateful to have had a chance to participate on this call and hopefully more of them will take place into the future!!!

Anniversary Of 911

It's been twenty years since the events of this anniversary when our lives were changed forever and I am grateful despite the heartache that was left behind-- We need to be prepared for when our lives get turned upside down in any situation. I am grateful for the many lives we get to remember this month and think about how much of an impact they left on our hearts from this experience. I was scared to imagine how people from another far away country, would specifically target us as Americans to help us realize what we have on a regular basis is something they were upset about. I remember walking around the museum and memorial of this event back in New York in 2012 to see the rusted objects that were saved for people to see and look at every year. I am certain a lot of those things were important to someone who had either lived through that tragedy or did not know what was going to come of them later on. I may not have been able to visibly read what was said on those objects or know how they got found---but I am grateful for the chance I had to reflect on how lucky I am to be a citizen of this nation. #NeverForget

Numb

If you have been following my blog "A Dancer's Life" for the past five years, I have obviously written up a little too much about some of my all time favorite songs and never went into a lot of depth about them-- until today. There is a song in particular that sustained me through one of the worst times in my life back in 2018 and quite frankly-- I'd like to share a little bit more about that with you. 

October 3, 2018 (Three Years Ago)

One of my good friends who I had only known for a short period of time, was unexpectedly called back to the other side three years ago this fall. I wanted to not believe for even a second about how difficult it was, not knowing all of the details in regards to this unexpected loss and feeling an emptiness that no one in the world should have to go through. However, I did end up falling into a little bit of a depression but if ya ask me it was not the kind I had to go see a professional for... but it did leave me not having a lot of energy or wanting to do all that much. I had never experienced that kind of stuff before and not knowing if it was all a temporary gut inside of myself that I knew needed to be overcome, or what I had to do in order to leave behind what kept holding me back. My friend Josh was one of the most positive, unconditionally loving, genuine person I had ever met and minus all of his own struggles in life-- he never let them wear him to the point where he'd ask himself: "Why did this have to happen to me and is there not anything else that someone like me cannot handle right now?" He never once complained about how difficult things in life were for him whatsoever and knowing he is in a better place left me leaving at first-- a little bit numb. It was unbearable for me to believe that someone who had their entire life ahead for them and only to find out it would be short lived was hard for me to wrap my head around. 

The title of my blog post today is something that I keep close to my heart. There have been experiences in my life where I didn't want to feel numb towards something that was only trying to help me grow as well as become an even better disability leader, which at the time made me feel like I was not trying my hardest to be that for others. My life was certainly stuck in a place that I never wanted to see it in and if you must know I could not for any reason pretend like this loss did not hurt me more than I genuinely wished it had not. I felt numb with hearing the vague details about this person's loss with not having any kind of idea that they struggled with a lot more than I realized--but you get the picture?? I am not here to make a complete fool of myself or draw attention towards anyone who is reading through this, but I am hopeful from this experience that I can learn to understand: "It's okay, Just keep swimming!!"

My life was turned upside down after this loss happened three years ago and then in that period-- I have dealt with a lot more than I've wanted to handle as my life continues to be what it is. Please do not ever think after everything I have needed to learn in these past several months has been a walk in the park-- which if you must know is not even close to the truth. I did not want to experience this loss during such a time in my life when things were out of my control and there was no choice for me, but to hide all of my emotions from people who genuinely care for my well being.

(End Of Part One) 

Executive Member

LONG STORY SHORT---I received a Facebook message from one of my colleagues who I serve with on my governor appointed council asked me if I had any interest with being an executive member. It certainly threw me off guard a little bit with not knowing exactly what it entailed (let alone knowing if I would be able to handle something at such an intense level.) There is absolutely no guarantee that my chances of trying to reach this goal will come true or if I will need to accept whatever the outcome is regardless if my name gets called upon. 

Instead of going into details about this situation, I am not certain that someone like me could ever reach a high pedestal like that one.  It would legitimately kill me inside if I had to keep track of stuff that I am not necessarily an expert in whatsoever and yet here I am wondering about what this time next week is going to look like for them. I am hopeful things can turn out for the best for everybody and I can take on another leadership role that is a little less overwhelming. 

New Youth Leadership Committee (Chairperson)

Whoa!!! This could end up being the most unexpected scenario for me to become the newly elected chair for my Youth Leadership Committee. I cannot even imagine what my life would end up being like if I did get asked to take on this position and something I didn't necessarily see coming into my path. But I would put a hundred and ten percent into what is expected of me and try my hardest to leave an imprint on all of the hearts of people I work with. I am not necessarily here to admit this would happen for me, but I cannot pretend anymore that when lifetime opportunities come up... I will try my best to not have them pass by. I am hopeful things in regards to what happens next week is for the better of the council :) 

(Watch For Part Two Coming Next Week)

Nomination

THIS MORNING---I received some news about a change that would be taking place on my next virtual YLC meeting. My best friend Camille asked if she could nominate me for the spot of being next in line for the chairperson on our committee. I immediately told her that she could go for it and honestly, it is just more surreal as time passes on to think I could get picked to tackle this new role. Just because I've gotten this nomination doesn't necessarily mean I'll end up with the task of being chairperson for our committee--that has been a part of my life for three years. I am obviously sitting here thinking that I may not end up being the person for this new leadership role and yet I was clearly told that no other member is young enough for it??? What is that even supposed to mean?? I mean, there are probably so many other people who have served on our committee that would legitimately do a hundred times better job than I ever could in a position like that one. I may come across slightly biased about all of this in a way that I am certain never should have been my intention to begin with and yet I will be grateful for an opportunity of a lifetime. This YLC has been turned itself into a safe haven for me even despite the hard times I was going through in my life and not realizing what was going to come from it later on. I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn new skills from the best of the best in our state and making an entire new set of friends that I truly admire so much. If I can make this long story short-- I am very much grateful for the amazing people who have put up with me in ways that none of them clearly deserved, but have continuously reminded me of all the many things I can do. Please stay tuned for lots more updates to come at a later time!!! 

Canceled Event

This upcoming weekend I had anticipated to participate in the 50th anniversary celebration of the UDDC (Utah Developmental Disabilities Council) only to find out earlier today, it's not gonna happen. I am very much saddened with not getting to spend quality time with the people who have dedicated themselves to working tirelessly on a regular basis, for individuals like me to have their voice heard. There are almost one too many reasons for me to list off here about what an incredible group of people I get to associate with on a professional level is a dream come true!!!

I was very excited to participate in this celebration of an organization who has never ceased to amaze me with all that they do!!! I am grateful for their patience with me as I continuously learn ways, that I can do a little better with my leadership roles and making sure I have fun while trying to concentrate on the tasks at hand. With all of this being said, I know this anticipated event will happen at some point in time and I'll be able to get a lot more acquainted with everyone who serves alongside on this council. 

Minus all of that going on, I am thrilled to once again take a mini field trip to the independent living center in Salt Lake to present on topics that hold a special place in my heart. I really hope we can just simply inspire them to get their voices heard for what they need and knowing we can do something to leave an imprint on their hearts. Stay tuned for an update to come later this week if I think of one that's gonna be worthy to share!!! :) 

Dance Competition Results (Mini Version)

Along with my twin sister and our best friends, all of us received first place trophies!!! It was such an absolute delight getting to celebrate with each other in a moment that I know none of us will just easily soon forget. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have danced alongside two great volunteers whose time into making this event happen for us was an absolute nothing short of a dream come true!!! I'd like to send a little shout out to our youth coordinator from Ability First along with her husband, who came to watch us dance in this event and take time out of their busy schedules to support all of our friends---- which if you ask me was incredibly sweet of them to do!!!