Numb

If you have been following my blog "A Dancer's Life" for the past five years, I have obviously written up a little too much about some of my all time favorite songs and never went into a lot of depth about them-- until today. There is a song in particular that sustained me through one of the worst times in my life back in 2018 and quite frankly-- I'd like to share a little bit more about that with you. 

October 3, 2018 (Three Years Ago)

One of my good friends who I had only known for a short period of time, was unexpectedly called back to the other side three years ago this fall. I wanted to not believe for even a second about how difficult it was, not knowing all of the details in regards to this unexpected loss and feeling an emptiness that no one in the world should have to go through. However, I did end up falling into a little bit of a depression but if ya ask me it was not the kind I had to go see a professional for... but it did leave me not having a lot of energy or wanting to do all that much. I had never experienced that kind of stuff before and not knowing if it was all a temporary gut inside of myself that I knew needed to be overcome, or what I had to do in order to leave behind what kept holding me back. My friend Josh was one of the most positive, unconditionally loving, genuine person I had ever met and minus all of his own struggles in life-- he never let them wear him to the point where he'd ask himself: "Why did this have to happen to me and is there not anything else that someone like me cannot handle right now?" He never once complained about how difficult things in life were for him whatsoever and knowing he is in a better place left me leaving at first-- a little bit numb. It was unbearable for me to believe that someone who had their entire life ahead for them and only to find out it would be short lived was hard for me to wrap my head around. 

The title of my blog post today is something that I keep close to my heart. There have been experiences in my life where I didn't want to feel numb towards something that was only trying to help me grow as well as become an even better disability leader, which at the time made me feel like I was not trying my hardest to be that for others. My life was certainly stuck in a place that I never wanted to see it in and if you must know I could not for any reason pretend like this loss did not hurt me more than I genuinely wished it had not. I felt numb with hearing the vague details about this person's loss with not having any kind of idea that they struggled with a lot more than I realized--but you get the picture?? I am not here to make a complete fool of myself or draw attention towards anyone who is reading through this, but I am hopeful from this experience that I can learn to understand: "It's okay, Just keep swimming!!"

My life was turned upside down after this loss happened three years ago and then in that period-- I have dealt with a lot more than I've wanted to handle as my life continues to be what it is. Please do not ever think after everything I have needed to learn in these past several months has been a walk in the park-- which if you must know is not even close to the truth. I did not want to experience this loss during such a time in my life when things were out of my control and there was no choice for me, but to hide all of my emotions from people who genuinely care for my well being.

(End Of Part One)