When The Rain Falls (Part Two)

THREE YEARS AGO----I accidentally made one of the biggest mistakes that anybody in this society could ever learn from and knowing the permanent consequences left me feeling extra cautious whenever it comes to being around people within the disability community. I literally remember waking up shaken in the middle of the night and recognizing for the first time with my nervous system quietly reacting to a pyschological trigger with feeling out of breath among other symptoms. I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to help me see his hand in all of this uncertainty at the time and wanted more than anything to learn how my life was going to be years after. 

I never meant to hurt the individual who now more than ever knows I made a fool of myself and wanted to immediately see this be erased. As I continued to process for months on what needed to be done, I did feel completely at peace after having kneeled down on my knees while pleading to my Heavenly Father to help me learn from this mistake and give me the comfort I really needed at the time. I knew my mistake would only continue to stick with me as I slowly moved forward with the reality of this experience. I genuinely did not mean to put the individual through all of this on purpose but yet it was something I knew the Lord was going to lovingly remind me about on a consistent basis and coming to terms with the loss of what I'll admit was not a socially appropriate relationship. I cried one too many times over this because the pain of what happened between me and the individual who was only doing their best in a very difficult leadership role I was extremely nervous about them going into. 

LONG STORY SHORT----I started listening to the lyrics of what this song means to me on a personal level and have realized that I am only human. I even apologized for not having turned out to be what I perceived to be as the perfect colleague in their eyes and I was unable to do that for them. I felt almost vulnerable with wanting to see their face on a computer screen or let alone in person for a treacherous period of time and yet I knew it was the harsh reality I needed to live with. I obviously have no clearer idea about when they will ever regain my trust not only as a governor appointed entity council member and knowing I am forever left with the emotional scar of my inexcusable actions. Did any of this have to do with the fact that I have a genetic learning disorder... I am one hundred percent certain that it did and no matter how many short comings I have in life, I know the lessons behind this taught me what it means to be a professional at all times. I will admit it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me to keep my mouth shut and not want to share anything with them trying my hardest to not feel imtimdated by their way of maturity when it comes to processing your emotions. 

It was literally one of the hardest times in my life and sometimes wish if I did not have FXS that I could have this erased completely. However, I know it will never be something I can undo or disappear with a magic wand if I even had access to something like that. I have contemplated many times about how I am going to be extra careful in making sure I never put someone else I really like into something such as this unfortunate situation. I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ for lovingly reminding me that he would never abandon one of his children in a trial of their faith and the moment I handed this to him----there was a sudden peace in my heart that everything would be okay. I knew it was going to take a lot of time on my end with getting to a point where I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel while recongizing that tears are the same when we are trying to grow something good--there is a difference between the teardrops and the rain. Think about the teardrops along with rain being vital to washing away pain and fostering good character that all of us want to pursue in this mortal life. I am just someone who despite their visible struggles with a genetic learning disorder know from time to time it will hit me that I am not necessarily like everybody else. I obviously may not make legitimate eye contact with people or capable of carrying on with any kind of conversation or let alone feeling a little out of place when it comes to things that life hands over to me. 

(End Of Post)

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When The Rain Falls

Side Note: I have been listening to this song quite a few times from a DCOM titled Pixel Perfect and thinking about the message in this ballad is relatively simple: The lyrics are a poetic metaphor for the beauty of mortality, human emotion along with the value of making mistakes. I obviously have made my fair share of mistakes the hard way and learning how to move forward in life when I didn't feel like it was something I needed to deal with or why it had to occur for me as opposed to someone else. I feel very grateful to know that it is perfectly okay to make mistakes and not worrying about being the kind of perfectionist society wants us to be. 

Oh oo oo

I don't understand 
This should be so easy

To just reach out my hand

And know the world is free

But nothing's as it seems

I can tell you freely 
Touching's not the only way to feel 

When the rain falls

It's like heaven's crying

When the name's all

The difference that there is

Cause tears are

The same when they are trying to grow something good

Out of all the pain

There's no difference between the teardrops and the rain

Because I know the bones were necessary
I don't let it bother me at all

I know you proudly say

That I'm just talking crazy

To think of life that way

Means that I'm confused

Does happy end this sad

But maybe yes,  just maybe 

The sadness can make the happiness more true

I have contemplated for weeks now about whether this blog post needed to be written on here or if I just need to keep this to myself. I am obviously one of the most highly sensitive-tender hearted person you'll ever meet and yet I know life is never meant to be a certain way. I continuously struggle on a daily basis with having a genetic learning disorder called Fraglie X Snydrome and knowing that it's one of those things I wish everyday could be something to make disappear while making my entire life a million times easier. I have a firm belief in my heart that the Lord knew I could handle something such as this here on earth and not let it define who I am as a young woman who wants to feel accepted in this world like everybody else. I may visible struggle in social enivornments a lot more than most who have ever had the opportunity to meet me can pick up on the fact I never make eye contact with them even if I want to have a normal conversation. I am grateful for the example of a young woman who inspires me on a daily basis to feel proud of who I am and not worrying about the small things I am not able to have any control over. I know it is not easy having to deal with something that I wish never existed and along side the fact I am striving everyday to become more like my Savior, Jesus Christ is something I know is gonna be the most incredible blessing I could ever ask for. I am not someone who usually is comfortable to write stuff like this on their blog and yet here I am doing all I can to make my life look easy, but I am finding comfort in the sense when I see my Savior again on the other side---it will all come together in a way that I can better understand. 

I am someone who despite their challenges in life knows there is someone who wants nothing more than to feel accepted and seen in this world. I have many times wondered if there was a genuine reason as to why the Lord wanted me to have FXS and I know it was because he knew I could take this on with faith in my heart. He knew I was not gonna be perfect or feel like I needed to be someone else I would ever come across in this world and yet I know he was aware of what I came to this earth--- to learn along his covenant path. He knew this was not going to be easy for me in anyway while he does remind me of what I am capable of doing and not trying too hard to be someone I am not in his eyes. It's blessed my life in more ways to know that I am striving to draw closer to him as my personal testimony of him continues to be strengthened.

As challenging and emotionally hard FXS is for me, it has blessed my life tremendously with getting to meet people I have looked up for a while and aspire to be like one day has given me reasons to keep the faith as I move on with anything that shows up on my path. I am grateful for the blessing it is to know that one day everything about this will fall into place and remind me of why it is I came to this earth to become more like the Savior who I love with all of my heart. I know he is never going to leave me alone in trials or difficulties that I know he knows I need to be right now to have me where I will be an instrument in his hands. I love his role in my life everyday and helping me learn to rely on Him in any given situation that life hands over as I am able to trust in what he wants me to do going forward. He has been able to catch me when I literally felt like I was going to fall in a dark hole or did not know what he needs to do next as I walk down this road of knowing he will always be there when I need his help. He has brought peace into my heart when I was faced up against one of the hardest trials of my life and not knowing when I would ever get to feel happy again.

(To Be Continued)

More Stories

It's hard to believe that after these next five months get here... my reign of service volunteering on UDDC will come to an end. I have really enjoyed getting to learn new things about the disability community and making sure the voices of individuals like myself are being heard. I am grateful for the many lessons that this experience has provided me with and realizing I never had to be perfect in any way to make a decent impression or get anything extra. All I needed to be was my true self in every council meeting that I make an effort to participate in every three months and provide my input when it was deemed to be appropriate for things we had to discuss. 

LONG STORY SHORT-----This experience volunteering on UDDC has truly changed my life for the better and I am grateful to have volunteered time with such terrific people in our state. They taught me lessons about how to go out of my comfort zone and grab onto new opportunities when they come up because you never know when it could happen. I may not have done advocacy work for many years---- but realizing that I was able to make a difference in the lives of people I care so much about. I am truly excited to see what the future holds for me once my council term ends and getting back into things that will benefit the disability community. 

Other Stories:

TONIGHT---My niece performed in her first dance recital and could not have been more proud of her to get up onto the stage with the prettiest smile ever. I had not been to a recital in some time and brought so many memories back from when my older sister participated in things like this. I really wished that I had the opportunity to do more dancing like she did-- but I am grateful to have gotten the opportunity to see her do what she loved so much. It was truly an amazing experience and afterwards I randomly happened to run into a very sweet friend of mine who was at the concert watching their friend perform out in the lobby area. I didn't waste any time to politely shout their name and walk over to give them one of my gentle big hugs not to mention asking them how they were doing. I had really missed them since the BYUWBB teams season came to a close early last month and was probably more excited to see her smiling face than anything in this world!!

I really wished we had more time to visit with each other and hopefully can do that in the distant future if we get an opportunity to do so. I am truly grateful for her sweet spirit and the way she continues to bring positivity into this world everywhere she goes out in the community. I love her so much and the amazing example she is in my life at this time of when I am preparing to see what happens down the road within these few past months. I am truly blessed to have such an incredible young woman who almost just makes me want to be a better person in this world everyday and continue to become more like the Savior in ways that I never knew about until meeting her for the first time. 

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Entertainment Parade 2026 (Mini Preview)

We still need to have our application that was turned into the city for approval and cannot wait for yet one another incredible opportunity none of us will soon forget. I cannot wait to get to work on our brand new float that will be the star of this event and have something to get decorated for America's 250th birthday coming up in a few short months!!! I am excited to once again be a part of an event that everyone here in the beautiful city of Provo wants to join in on and obviously there will be memories to make alongside my friends who attend classes with us at our independent living center. I cannot wait to see what we come up with in the weeks to follow and hopefully bring some positive energy into the crowd as we take all of our time walking the parade route. I really missed not being able to see a lot more familiar faces alongside the street of downtown Provo and getting to maybe catch up with them if I am lucky---but it will most likely not be a guarantee either. Please stay tuned for more to come later!!!

Advocacy Awards Ceremony (Sneak Peek)

LONG STORY SHORT----One of my colleagues reached out asking me if I would help with reading some bios of our advocacy award nominees at our upcoming leadership conference. I obviously didn't hesistate to accept the invitation and look over what was said about each of our awardees that was all written up by the best executive director I could ever work with. I feel truly honored to be given this amazing opportunity and recognize individuals who have gone out of their way to make the disability community a better place. 

Italy Vacation (Next Summer)

I have never been to this part of our world & cannot wait to experience it all next summer when I have the opportunity to do with it my family. I am excited to see what else this beautiful world of ours has to offer... which if you ask me is a whole different story!!! We have planned to do one of those cruises that will take you on at least nine stops to various places and cannot wait to see the beautiful sceneries each of them will have in store for us. I am really excited for the opportunity to explore and try some new things that I hope are going to take a lot of pictures to share with everybody after we have flown back into the states. 

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