Waiting Place

"Little by little, He frees me. Moment by moment, releasing, my grip, my stubborn need to be in control, of everything. Over and over, He leads me, back to the one place that carries--- the grace that was waiting all along, waiting in, in the waiting place." - Hilary Weeks

SIX MONTHS LATER---I continue to find myself being stuck in the waiting place and not an obvious way to escape if I wanted to make the effort to do so. I legitimately made a mistake that no one in their lifetime should ever have to encounter or let alone deal with in a way that has at times felt next to impossible in more ways than I can comprehend. I did realize for the first time in months that I was not getting out of this spot any time soon and knowing what my new reality is must have been a lot harder for me to clearly see than it was for the colleague who purposefully allowed me to wake up shaken in the middle of the night. I may never understand in a million years why this had to happen to me and not feeling like it was completely planned to get me to where I am today. 


As a self advocate in the disability community, I have been told from people that all of the big things I have done make a difference for those around me and I am eternally grateful to know that is what I have achieved in my ten plus years in this environment. I have continuously sat in my waiting place anxiously hoping that my punishment will be over with soon and yet I know the rest of eternity this will be my life until I show up in the next life. I would never consider myself being a perfect colleague and feeling slightly out of place with all that I applied to participate in. I legitimately hate waiting every day for six months or if not longer to reconnect with someone that I wanted to be like when I grew up. Now that is not the case as I have made the effort with relearning from this experience and I am not the least bit proud of what happened in moments with uncertainty being a free for all on the table. I am never gonna be the perfect colleague who serves their whole heart with---knowing they have given it their best despite what took place six months earlier. At this very moment, I didn't want to necessarily feel obligated or numb to write this up today and yet here I am hoping that one person takes the time to read through my post. It has been a difficult journey filled with tears being shed, confusion about what could happen next in my life and not having any idea of how much it would affect me on a deeper level. I have struggled with maintaining healthy relationships with people who all they want to do is help me and I emotionally pushed them away because I knew a lot better than they did at the time. I'm also nervous about if my service on the council has been worthwhile and giving me a chance to grow into who I can be so much rather than who I could not ever become. 

The seconds pass relentlessly on as things in my life continue being stuck where they are and somehow that is a punishment I legitimately deserved to have. I am not writing up about this here to repeat every little trial that has ever taken place in my life, but to understand better who I never want to find myself being in all over again. It has never been easy for me to deeply take in what someone tells me in a very direct way and not realizing how much of a mark it left behind. I am doing all in my power to regain a trust from a colleague who may never for the rest of their life speak to me again, which as much as I'm significantly hurt by their words--I am not going to let it overtake who I am as a person. My deepened stubborn grip on controlling every aspect of my colleagues leadership role was painful and not exactly how a board member should behave. 

As you can imagine, this twisted turn in my life has been nothing short of an easy mistake to learn from and yet there are only more doors waiting to be opened up for me. I may never understand in a million years why I purposefully saw myself in a position that could have been avoided at all costs & not ever knowing what could happen down the road. I have grown so much more than I could have anticipated myself to during this time in life when I felt as if I was handling this on my own. My heavenly father knows how painfully difficult this journey has been for me and yet I am grateful for knowing he hasn't ever left my side for a second has been a dream. He has strengthened me through prayers that I've had to offer at night time and feeling his unconditional love every step of the way has given me a lot more hope than I could have asked for. 

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Untitled Post

YSA Concert (Mini Summary)

EARLIER THIS MONTH---My twin sister and I along with our best friend Danielle attended this event that was originally going to take place at BYU Stadium, but ended up getting switched over to the Delta Center in Salt Lake. I wasn't necessarily familiar with a lot of the songs that were performed by the head line singers, but one of them was a well known primary song. I was deeply touched with being reminded of how to be like my Savior, Jesus Christ and feeling the spirit in that arena is an experience I will cherish forever. I am not sure if this singer is a member of our faith, but it was so beautiful to hear him sing about trying to be like Jesus and being together with him. 

Book Worm (Summer 2023)

I have done quite a bit of reading this summer, which if you ask me has been such an enjoyable thing for me in handling my mental health a lot better. I have learned so many things about myself from all of the many books that I have taken time out of my day to read. I have liked getting to visualize places that are very picturesque in every way and learning what goes on in those made up kingdoms. Each of them have different ways of ruling their countries and keeping where they live as protected from danger as they can, unless something out of the ordinary happens. I am currently reading book number 13 which I am most of the way through it--which I hope to have finished by the end of this week. 

Belated Updates

Idaho Family Reunion (Last Weekend)

Minus the treacherous time it took to arrive in Idaho, I am grateful for the chance to have reconnected with relatives and make some new memories together. We spent quality time at the family cabin while having a scrumptious lunch and having a short program, about our missionaries who are currently out serving in the lord, etc. I especially loved getting to visit where my grandparents are buried and seeing their beautiful headstone again was incredible. I greatly miss being around them more than anything in this world, but I know they are in a better place and watching over us from the other side. It was really great to hear some heartwarming stories about them, made the reunion even more special. 

YA Fairytale Retellings

I have especially loved getting to be sucked into the world of fantasy and learn more about individuals with disabilities being represented in literature. This summer has given me extra time to do a lot more reading than I have ever done and I am genuinely loving every minute of it so much. I am certain what one of the many fairytale retelling books I will read next and cannot wait to get started on it--sometime soon!!! I look forward to reading more about what other adventures and experiences my friends will be doing or simply learning along the way in the next book. 

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Mini Synopsis

In this disability inclusive retelling of Snow White, it was a very clear reminder of what it means to treat others with respect and integrity regardless if you are uniquely different than most people. There is a kid who has a severe intellectual disability and has to be taught how to maintain boundaries with people they associate with or want to get to know better. I know for me it was really hard not to feel the slightest bit sorry for making one mistake after the next and hoping it would all just be erased. However, I know that my experiences with this haven't necessarily been perceived as normal--but recognizing that I have a lot more potential to do hard things whenever asked. I may never be poisoned by eating an apple somebody brings over to my home, but sometimes throughout my life-- I have felt at one time or another this way with not knowing what I could have done better than what I did in that moment. I am never gonna not learn from my mistakes without feeling a little bit in this way and even if I may take it hard in the very beginning-- I know everything will be okay. 

The young man named Oliver in this story touched my heart through his unconditional love that he just simply wanted to give away to others and being reminded of what is appropriate along with what is not, which if you ask me is a different story for a later time!!! It certainly gave me a small glimpse into what happened with me earlier this year and not having been as careful with others as I should have been, but without going into details here--I know there is a lot more for me to still learn. 

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Poisoned

 

After this lovely princess flees for her life and waking from a deep slumber, Snow White finds herself as a suspect in her stepmothers murder and discovers that the prince she is engaged to isn't as charming as she once thought. She begins to seek solace in an unlikely place--in the cottage where she was poisoned. 

I absolutely love the depth this book goes into about disability inclusion & bringing awareness to people with severe IDD in such a vulnerable population. I am grateful for Snow White being able to stick it out while she endures through unknown circumstances that she has never experienced through out her life. I cannot imagine what she must be going through with deciding if she wants to be the next queen in her kingdom or just remain a servant. LONG STORY SHORT----I have enjoyed seeing a very unique relationship between a young man who is slightly different than most-- just sharing his love with so many people as freely as he does. He clearly loves Snow White for the person she is instead of being perceived as someone that doesn't want to live her fairytale life with someone who is not as charming or loving as her prince appeared to be. I may never be poisoned by eating an apple inside of a cottage with seven dwarfs, but knowing that one of them was slightly different than the rest--I would do everything in my power to be their friend. 

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Neverland Series

 Background Story (Mini Version)

One of the sessions I attended at the NACDD conference in our nation's capitol last summer was titled: "Disability Book Week" - Disability representation in literature. For me, to admit that this session was legitimate would not be an understatement and I genuinely loved getting to learn something new within the disability population. The presenter was such an engaged speaker whose expertise left me in a lot of awe over how much they knew in regards to putting individuals with disabilities being represented in the most inspiring way possible. Did I forget to mention they had NINJAs in their slides along with so many other well known Disney and fairytale characters??? It was so much fun getting educated on something where disability is not being shunned in literature, but to help so many people get a more respectful and meaningful way of who we are. I cannot necessarily remember too much other than just being inspired--with how eloquent the presenter was being able to get their message out there and believe me, it was just simply amazing to learn about. 

LONG STORY SHORT---My mom ordered me last week one of their YA books recently and have gotten through more than most of it. I am currently reading the A Villainous Peter Pan Retelling - "Becoming Hook" and wow it's a lot dark and intense, but my goodness it is so much fun!!! I especially love that Tink is a part of the story in the sense of being there to help Captain Hook out in saving the lost boys. You will be amazed with how the storyline draws you into a world of magic and fantasy while trying to find out if the lost boys will be saved from their captor who used to be a good guy and now that is reversed into something that you need to read for yourself to find out more about :)

Free Write

Speakers Network Presentation (Wednesday Afternoon)

THIS WEEK---One of my colleagues and I will be presenting about the self advocacy movement to a very small group of individuals who need to know how important this subject is within the disability community. I am definitely if not slightly anxious with how this will turn out and genuinely hoping for the best outcome, no matter the awkwardness inside of that training room. After my mom and twin sister drop me off, they will leave somewhere to do their own thing while I'm busy with this presentation. 

31st Birthday Together (July 10th)

Obviously...I could not leave this out of here!!! I am excited for the chance me, my twin sister along with our best friends to celebrate our birthday a little bit earlier than usual. As far as plans go with this, I cannot wait to spend quality time with people I love so much and make a lot of new memories!! We are planning to attend a musical that I have never seen before and having dinner with our friends. (Stay tuned for more updates about this later!!!) 

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