I'm Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on...

I have definitely learned the hard way again about who my true friends are and those who are not... It's tough for me to swallow such a hard thing down my throat but at the same time, there is not one single thing I haven't tried to do in order to make every situation better or not so much. I've obviously experienced this many times before and regardless of how I felt about the struggle, that person didn't necessarily care about me or how they were going to completely lose out on the chance of being friends with a good person. I may have those moments of sadness and regret, but doesn't everybody in this world go through those kinds of things all the time... because we all do and simply just in the sense that we are human beings learning to trust in whatever takes place next in our lives. I really tried so hard to do everything that I could to make it better for me and for the person who I thought was my closest friend, but we all have people who come in and out of our lives everyday or at various moments in our lives. But I am not settling to take something that didn't mean anything of importance to someone else and yet I know everything will continue to become easier as time goes on and the years start passing by me without notice. I will never regret having experienced what I did & not doing all that I can to have it help me come closer to those people who are supposed to be in my life at this time. To make this blog post short, I know it has not been easy for me and nor do I ever least expect it to be that way any time soon down the road--- but I am choosing today and forever to ONLY focus on the people who have always been there for me when I need somebody to talk to, or whenever I need to understand something that does not make any sense, but you get the picture here??? I obviously mentioned a lot of things that never should have been shared with someone else, but at this time in my life and where I know I need to be... It probably wasn't the best way to handle something that I knew was making me feel SO hurt and frustrated inside... but I am choosiing to see the brighter side of life and never fall for a friendship that isn't what I think it could have turned out to be. My true friends are people who have stood beside me when I wasn't sure about what to do or if I wanted to hangout with them sometime.

Starting now and from this point forward, I will most likely never have to go through an experience such as this one again & if I do... Well, so be it and hope for the best in whatever is to come next for me. I know it sounds complicated in the sense of explaining anything to somebody... but it's only a matter of time before I will fully understand why I went through something that I've already experienced before. It was nothing new to me or anyone else whose known me long enough to see the bigger picture here and coming to terms with myself that I know the people who will love & care and support me are the ones I want to have in my life all the time. This has been the most challenging few months of my life and yet I would only think to reflect on how much it's strengthened me to find new people that can treat me with the respect that I deserve. 

Letting It Go

An important life lesson that I learned last night, is to never have people that assume they want to be your friend & then realizing they don't necessarily care about the fact they are losing a person who did nothing more than just simply care about them. I've always thought friendship was an important part of my life and still is to this day, but in the long run I know what is in my heart and what my Heavenly Father wants me to do going forward. If you haven't already figured out the title of my blog post here it is called: "Letting It Go." And to me it is really tough to know that sometimes our lives will never be the same or what we'd expect them to be let alone getting the pieces of the puzzle together which until now has not been an easy thing for me. In the inspiring film "Once I Was A Beehive" the final line in that movie really has stood out to me more than anything else in this world & here it is: "No matter what happens in my life, I can look back on this experience & be proud to say that "Once I Was A Beehive." This beautiful line in the movie has been stuck inside of my head for a long time now and regardless of any trial I've ever had to overcome throughout the years... I know without any shadow of a doubt that my Savior, Jesus Christ will continue to be the one true friend that I will always turn to for strength and comfort whenever I need it at any given moment in my life. I'd never want to be friends with someone who doesn't accept me for who I really am inside and outside because I'm a person who has a heart of gold that is willing to do whatever it takes to help them through their challenges, but sometimes people come in and out of your life for specific reasons (whether we like them or not at the time). In the pixar disney movie FROZEN, all of us know the popular well known song called "Let It Go" and listening to the words in this song definitely set in my heart what I'm facing right now and learning it in the hardest way possible, because sometimes we have to do that in order to strive to be a little better everyday. I know that this isn't necessarily what I wanted to see happen to me at this point in my life, but I know it is what needs to take place right now and hopefully after some time reflecting on the important people whose influence has made me stronger and happier person in this world. 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway!


The cold never bothered me anyway!


The cold never bothered me anyway!

Self Determination Conference

SDM Presentation:

It was truly such a rewarding and incredible privilege to present with the Speakers Network on a subject that was most talked about during the conference itself. I was very grateful for this chance with getting to inspire and teach other people like myself about the issues that individuals like me face everyday. Our presentation went really well and it felt great to be able to inform people on the things that this alternative to guardianship can do for so many people in the world.. (Don't get me wrong on the fact that the reason I'm doing this is to get my voice heard and offering educational training to people who need it the most in their lives.)

One of the audience members asked us this question: Have you ever had an experience where you had someone in your life that didn't want to support you in a decision, that you thought was a really good fit??

(Sorry if I have already mentioned this before, but it was just what I thought of at the moment.)

Awhile back I was strongly considering of being a part of this apadative going away to college program and for me it sounded like the most perfect solution to what I was currently facing in my life. I felt like maybe this would be a greater opportunity to stretch myself out there a little bit more than I'd normally do but at the same time, there were so many unknown/unanswered questions that I had running through my head and little did I know what to expect from something like this. I wasn't necessarily sure if I could be away from home, the elementary school, my family and everything in between to go off to college for two years???? I didn't know what to think at this point in my life & figuring out what else could possibly be done in order for me to accomplish a task like this one, but then again I had never been away from home for more than a few days in a month... I felt like it was just the perfect way to stay closer to my friends & live the so called college experience!! The costs of it were super expensive and little did I ever know what to think about wondering if I'd have a good roommate who would be nice or respectful to me... it was just a lot of things. In the end, I ended up never applying for the program and despite how much of a long process it would be like-- I just felt really disappointated and emotional about what I thought was a good decision for me to make.. but somehow I knew in my heart that it wasn't probably the best thing to do (considering all of those many things I'm doing in my life right now.) Just Keep Swimming...

Untitled Post

Summer Updates:

Later this week my mom, twin sister and I are going to driving down to St. George for the weekend. I am very excited to be spending time with family and getting to watch my cousin participate in their play that is going on. It's almost hard to believe that we don't get down there as much as we'd like to, but this will be our chance to finally be there for more than just a day or twenty four hours. I am very much looking forward to shopping with my grandma, going out to lunch, and everything else that we do in between. 

Celebration of Self Determination Conference 2017

Next week I will be heading up to Salt Lake City, Utah to participate in this self advocacy conference and giving my second presentation with the Speakers Network. I'll be presenting with two other self advocates on something that we'd like to see exist in this world & getting the chance to inspire other people such as ourselves to know that they can accomplish whatever they set their minds to. I am so thrilled to be a part of this conference and even though it won't be anything close to the other many leadership conferences that I've attended in the past several years. 

BYU Summer DanceSport Challenge

This will be whatever year it is for me in participating in an event that has literally made me just love performing in front of people even more than what you'd probably think. It is truly such a wonderful and amazing experience to show off to people just simply the joy that dance brings into my life and always will. We are learning two dances that I've obviously performed & competed before, so that's just basically just a review for me (let alone those of others who have been a part of this for about as long as I have.) Hopefully it will be a very legit experience for all of us involved and then getting the chance to compete against my peers makes it even more memorable than it should be. 

Words

Sometimes I really wish that the words all of us would share with people didn't come across feeling like "Little Toy Guns" and not realizing in those moments what was really going on at the time. I know for me it's never felt like that way until a month ago, when I wrote up two blog posts that indicated my personal/emotional toll on a situation that left me in absolute tears all day long. Every single facebook post that I saw of people that I knew coming up onto my news feed, it felt like one of those "Little Toy Guns" going off as loud as it possibly could & then doing it for extenstive periods of time. Obviously, it has never fully occurred to me that how I reacted was such a nuisance on me and from that time on leading up today, I have never wanted to experienced anything like that for as long as possible but you didn't hear it from me. Over the last month or so, it has literally taken it's toll on me in a way that I never fully expected to hear and yet some people continously shoot off those guns everyday without recognizing the damage that is right behind them. I'm not writing up this blog post to make you all pretend as though it wasn't anything you've not already heard before, but when does that moment in your life make itself welcome and you feel perfectly at ease with what is currently taking place???? For me, I feel as if the words coming from a blog post like this one are not anything short of a another reason for someone to sigh as loud as they can and roll their eyes all the way back to their head, but I'm not going to be the person who firmly clears to explain to someone that it offends me more than anything you could see right in front of them. I am not someone whose never going to feel like this a grudge for anyone to just take a hold of and pretend to be feeling okay with it, even if they have no idea what it's making them feel like deep down inside. 

I AM...

Confident. Determined. Kind Hearted. Genuine. Honest. Truthful. Fabulous. A Daughter Of God. Wonderful. A Good friend who speaks the truth regardless of what they are going through in life. Someone who speaks their mind even if it is hard and unfair in any kind of situation. STRONG. Beautiful. Willing to stand up for herself and let her voice be heard. Not afraid to let her friends know what she is thinking at any given moment. A Leader/Self Advocate. Hardworking. Trustworthy. Loving person with a heart of gold. A real person with emotions/feelings that are not going to be silenced. Powerful in the things I'm willing to let people know about me. 

Happy Ending... (Part Two)

With everything that I do in my life, I always and will try to strive to follow the Savior. It's never been something that I have ever questioned in my mind or had second thoughts about, for any particular reason. While I was attending my NINJA Youth Leadership Conference a few weeks ago, I brought up this question: "What part about it do you not understand?" I've never found myself asking someone this question and wondering if it was even the right thing to ask at the time, but then again I know this gospel is what continues to help me through life's experiences that we all have. NINJA Conference is not much closer to anything like girls camp where you have one night throughout the week to share your thoughts/feelings on what's important to you and striving to always be a little better each day. I know in my heart that this gospel is what continues to bring smiles to my face everyday and I wouldn't ever want to see myself trade it for anything that somebody else thought would've been better. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ so much more than ever before and that is because when I was out at UVU attending my special needs institute class, I absolutely loved feeling the spirit of my Heavenly Father so strongly & kicking off my week in something like that was truly a great experience. I know this life was never meant to be easy for anyone and let alone people who may not have the gospel in their lives, but I am grateful to know that I'm never going to handle anything without being an instrustment in His hands. I am not trying to come across being too preachy or religious here, but as you can already tell this gospel is what gives me hope and strength to overcome my stumbling blocks or what ever it is that is right in front of me. I feel like this past year I have tried to share my spiritual thoughts a little more than I normally do and that is simply because it means so much to me more than a lot of people in my life think it does. I'm truly grateful for the knowledge that I've always believed in to be the only way back to my heavenly home and I am never gonna shy away from it. I know that my trials and obstacles are never going to get any much easier, but I do know in my heart that there is more my Savior, Jesus Christ wants me to understand a little bit better. My name is Courtney Edgington and... (look below at the pic)

Happy Ending... (Part One)

If there was anything in this world to make me not recognize how much courage it takes to put your faith in the Savior, then I'm probably not meant to write up this so called post. I am not sure if there was anything in my life where I wasn't ever relying on my Savior, Jesus Christ to make my burdens light and not quite as difficult as they appeared to be. It's definitely been awhile since I last blogged anything on here about things that have a great significance to me and always will. If you've chosen to perceive this post of mine as something of not worth reading through, then you can easily make the decision to not scroll any further. I truly have to believe that this profound quote I came across on my facebook news feed earlier today, was certainly something that I probably needed to hear and come to terms with in what is really happening here. I know that this isn't necessarily probably one of those so called happiest blog posts you'll ever read in your life, but this quote means so much to me on a level of what I know has always been a part of me. It's never easy to keep my mouth shut about what I've always believed in to share with people and yet I wouldn't want to see myself in a situation where it was the both of us trying to convince the other one that what I was trying to share was not anything short of being true. If whatever I end up sharing with you all today in this post is nothing further from what I've held so tightly onto and never try in failing on the unexpected outcomes that could result within having to try as hard as I can to share my thoughts today.

AFTER YOU READ THROUGH THIS POST---Hopefully you get something better out of it and try to not perceive this as just a "So Called "broken" & "disabled" person just striving to get people's attention so that they don't feel like their thoughts are not come across as what you'd say--- Oh, I don't know, "Like something a normal person wouldn't ever think to share with the rest of the world". It's obvious to those of you reading this right now that I wouldn't ever write a post that was supposed to appear as being normal or not something you would think to not share with pple who NEVER READ through my posts unless I felt like it was worth my time letting people of this universe know about what is important to me!!!! Perceive that however you choose to, but don't say I didn't think to warn you about this, because unless you choose not to continue on with scrolling, then it's your own fault, not mine!!

Whenever I have put my trust and faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ-- there is not one single thing he wouldn't be there to help me understand better or have a life lesson to learn from it. I know it isn't a very common inspiring quote you'd find across on facebook, but this one in particular stood out to me in a way that I've never known before until this very moment. I know it isn't like me to be powerfully intrigued by something like this, and it may not be what you would want it to be & yet it continuously blesses me in a way that I know has made me more aware of my spiritual outlooks on life. 

My entire life I've already known what is important to me and never letting it get in the way of other worldly outside influences around me. I know it isn't necessarily surprising to people out there who are reading this that I would never hesitate for a second about what keeps me going forward in the many challenges I have on a consistent basis if not more than the average person experiences. I'm not here today pretending to sound like my life is perfect in anyway shape or form, because nobody's life is that close to what you are probably thinking. I know it wouldn't change my mind for a second on whatever comes up in my path of what my mission on this earth is supposed to be like. Just because we have stumbling blocks that never accidentally get in our paths and trying to be more alert of the many ways I can better myself to be more like the Savior everyday. 

All of us are going to have happy endings to our life stories and sometimes it might be more than what you'd think of it being. I know there is not much more to what I'm really getting across here than anything else in this blog post you are currently scrolling through. I am grateful more than I'll admit at this moment in time of what is important to me and never fails to brighten my perspectives on everything that gets thrown at us occasionally. Keep pushing yourself forward with faith and trust in the Savior to help you through anything that may seem like next to impossibly unbearable for us to handle. Our Savior, Jesus Christ will never give us something he knows we couldn't possibly get thru in having his hand direct us in the right way of where we are supposedly needed to be right now. I am grateful for the many unexpected times I've recieved peace in my heart and soul in the midst of every trial that I've ever had to experience either alone or with somebody else. 

(End of Part One)