As much as I absolutely loved and cherished my time being in the greatest YSA ward ever, I still and have always continuously struggled with accepting the changes of whatever the students decided to do with their lives. I would also think in my mind that they didn't want to be around me anymore or that it was just simply a way for them to completely forget about somebody like myself who loved and cared about them so deeply. Regardless of wherever they choose to go in this world of ours, I'm honestly just not certain to let them know what an emotional situation they are putting me into and maybe some of them are perfectly happy with it. My parents have reminded me several times that all of those kinds of people don't necessarily care for even a second about how hard it is for me to watch them go somewhere far away and not ever know if I'd even see them again. It was always left such a deep hole inside of my heart because I was never quite fully prepared for what their next chapters of their lives and wondering if it was just something they didn't want me to know about.
Some of my YSA friends really find an interest with creating Facebook pages for their friends and families to join and give them the extra support they need in order to accomplish whatever it is they are choosing to set their hearts on. I am honestly not sure why an individual like myself puts in an effort to check out these things... but not having realized what it was they were getting themselves into for some reason. Awhile back I was scrolling through facebook and trying to avoid the chance of every single spontaneous facebook page invitation that I'd get let alone having to not take too close to heart. I was not trying to be insensitive of their feelings and goals in life, but I am not necessarily happy with what I ended up seeing across on one of my friends facebook pages and staring blankly at that their sweet comment made.
If there was much of anything to get out of this situation it was absolutely what I didn't expect to feel as emotionally upset and frustrated as I was at the time. I felt like my reputation was on the spot of just being at this edge of a cliff and hoping in that very moment to stand on both my feet. It was extremely hard for me to stare at those absolutely loving and firm words in this text message that this individual had sent me and even though they didn't come across being harsh, the instinctive thought of not knowing what I was going to feel in that moment if it should have been perfect joy or in other words angered emotions that were all mixed up inside me. I felt so completely and utterly alone in not realizing it was nothing that had to do with our friendship in anyway, but it felt like a part of their influence was no longer present which absolutely terrified me beyond words that you are reading in this blog post.
This is so called facebook page was titled in abbreviated terms: UVMM. It was almost like this particular invitation to like this organization ended up coming to me as a punch in the stomach and that I was supposedly this person who got drawn into it for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever. Why in the world would I even have something to offer to this group of people who I wouldn't feel comfortable getting to know better or wanting to genuinely share my support for their efforts into making this not such a necessary issue in this world. I feel completely out of this emotional fear and deep frustration that this was exactly what someone whose SO close to me in life would politely ignore what my feelings about them doing this would be to a particular extent. I am not here to pretend like this has been one of the happiest times in my life because I can at least tell you what a hard & piercing experience this has turned out to be over the course of time.
To make this long story short, it has been a couple of weeks now since this all took place and I'm gonna try my hardest to pretend like it's okay with me that this person wants to do some good in this world. I know for a person like myself who consistently doesn't want to have to handle the trials of life that it brings to them, there is probably much more to what I'm getting across in my blog post than at any other time. With all of this being said, I know that when I look towards the One who has already paid that ultimate price for us to live with him again and as long as we hang onto his hand, this life will be nothing short of a blessing.
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