Free Write

As the summer months kick off, I didn't ever imagine myself writing up as many blog posts as I have in the course of a five year period let alone over three hundred plus entries!!! It has allowed me to endless times to feel vulnerable and share what is in my heart with other people. (Especially all of my closest friends who I truly love more than anything in this world if you ask me!!) There are certainly days when I am not in the mood to write up about anything in my life, because I would feel a little afraid if it didn't come across as uncomfortable for some people who read through my posts. I always feel slightly awkward when I want to share my posts with others, because this blog of mine has turned itself into like my safe haven in more ways than one!!! I have so many upcoming events and activities that are just around the corner waiting for me to convey and express to all of you. I have spent a lot of extra time in trying to keep my blog posts as accurate and current as I can possible, which if you ask me is just one of those things I try to keep hidden from the world. I am so grateful for this privilege that I have to write up about anything I need to remember and keep close to my heart--because if I didn't share anything whatsoever, I would certainly not be the person I am now. It has been an incredible and emotional journey for me to reach these many posts and not feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the progress I have made. I feel so grateful for the sense of peace my blog has given me (even if I don't necessarily deserve it sometimes-- but I am not gonna lie--this experience for me has allowed so much of who I am to come out.) I truly love being able to share everything that I perceive in this world through the eyes of a dancer, disability self advocate, leader, mentor, friend and someone who knows the potential they have to make it through whatever comes into their life path. 

Summer Plans 2021

- Virtual NINJA Youth Leadership Conference (Zoom)

- 29th Birthday (Say What??)

- Family Reunion in Idaho 

- Mini Youth Leadership Conference 

- Special Needs Ballroom?!?! (TBD) 

- Educational Trainings with the Speakers Network (June/July/August)

Progress Made So Far:

I'm trying my absolute best to maintain and keep boundaries within the leadership positions I currently get the privilege to serve in. It has been difficult for me to understand just how important this really is, no matter how many opportunities I get to assist and help in throughout the next several years. I know mistakes will continue to be made on a regular basis and not realizing the way it is going to strengthen, as well as help me to strive harder each day to do a little better. 

Not going into a lot of detail about this, but I have so much more to work on in my life and hopefully once things are settled down-- I'll be able to recognize the bigger picture. I know my visible emotions will never not be a part of who I am because everyone has ups and downs in life, that most of us truly wish we did not have to face against everyday. I know my life has been through an impossible amount of uncertainty and not knowing what could happen next wears itself on my mind more often than I can admit. 

Evaluates

Book Closed (Part One)

I'm legitimately grateful to close this lingered chapter of anxiety and being highly sensitive about every little thing that has ever happened during those lost fourteen months. I know it has taken me forever w/ trying to reach this point in my life and despite having mentioned some heart wrenched stuff towards a person who I know is giving their one hundred and ten percent in all that they do. I have probably been visualized in my head as the most difficult person they have ever worked with and yet I know there isn't any kind of truth to it whatsoever. 

Close To Heart (Life Lessons)

I've taken almost every lesson that someone has tried to help me understand better, has gotten me to where I am today. It has continuously given me a lot of extra time to do self reflection about how I can adjust my own mental health to solve problems in a mature way. I cannot explain all of the many tears that have just rolled themselves down my face with guilt unbearably weighing itself on me, to be a perfectionist with all of the many responsibilities I have on my plate. I may not know as much about certain things in the world of disability awareness as other people do--but I am humbled to be working alongside the best of the best our state has placed in the leadership roles that they have. 

Unanswered Question: (Why would you put that expectation on me???)

This question continues to linger itself in my head and with no possible end in sight-- Why did I even consider to share my personal thoughts on the matter?! I'll try my hardest to keep this brief to not waste your time reading through what I have to say...But you need to understand this has been a long awaited moment for me to feel somewhat at ease with my life. I was immensely caught up in the moments with trying to be as honest as I could be and instead turned into a complete utter mess altogether. I refused to allow the emotions in my heart to not overflow with anxiety themselves and yet there I was not certain about why I was selected for the leadership roles I've been chosen to tackle. I genuinely love what I do with all of the many people who are so remarkable at what they can do in making sure individuals with disabilities have their needs met on a regular basis. It has been stressful to not feel as though I am under so much pressure all the time whenever I participate on a virtual meeting or just trying to ignore what I know is going to help me into the future?!

Revised Story

Ready To Forgive???

There is such an enormous question mark on my forehead about when I'll be ready to let these words out of my mouth. I've made it clearly obvious that my feelings were severely hurt in a way, that never should have been done and yet I am not certain where I know my heart is going to be. I am confident there is not much more traumatic emotions left in me after what how they have led me to where I am right now. With making this blog post short--I am feeling kind of messed up about how I need to forgive the person whose actions spoke louder than words did throughout this journey. I will not necessarily do this right away, but if you must know I have so much more to contemplate on before a final decision is made. I also have this gutted feeling in my heart I need to forgive this person sooner rather than wait this out for another month leading up to a one day event. 

I'm nervous on how they will take me forgiving them because it could be taken in any unknown direction- and who knows if I'd even be an emotional wreck or just someone anxiously waiting for an in person hug instead of one that comes back to me on a Zoom Meeting. I cannot wait for that moment to wrap my arms around the person and feel a peace of mind which is something I desperately need more than anything else in this universe. Whether the individual wants my hugs or not in the moment-- I know it will be the chance for me to get that comfort I've needed for some time now (let alone the past fourteen months and counting if you know what I mean??) 

I am hopeful things can settle down quickly and help me realize what I need to do better. Being such a highly sensitive person in this world, I know there will be more obstacles in the way to look past (Let alone try to not stop me from seeing what I am capable of handling.) I know this experience has been one of the hardest trials for me to overcome and leave behind in the past where it should be placed & not anywhere else.

I need to realize my control over someone else is not going to turn itself around at any given moment and not be what I've visually pictured in my mind. I know the health epidemic has attested to so much of what I have experienced and felt throughout this past year. I am feeling so immensely grateful for the opportunity to contemplate a little bit more on when it would be a good appropriate time, to pull them aside and let her know I wholeheartedly need to forgive. 

This has been one of the gut wrenching lessons I've ever had to learn (especially with someone who I've looked up to so much as an individual in the disability community.) They have continued to impress me with their patience and understanding whenever I'm in a vulnerable state--I need to be extra careful or else there could be consequences to the way I express myself to them and not realizing the effect it is having on them as much as it does on me!!! I'll never once again in my life make assumptions about all of the many ways I pictured this individual to be, when I was not clearly seeing them as just trying their hardest to not go out of their way to hurt other people. I know we have had our mishaps with things that could have easily been prevented altogether and yet I didn't realize in the moment--what I could've done a little bit better in response to handling the situation in a less difficult manner. 

Carrie Underwood - Change

Moves On

 

 "No matter what you're going through, sometimes you need the support of people going through the same thing. You don't have to do it alone."

This quote right here is perfectly motivating for me right now and despite what has taken place in the last several months--it is comforting to know we are not alone. I am grateful for the comfort of my Savior and his unconditional love for me as one of his precious daughters, especially with all of the distractions that I have to see everyday. I am grateful for this experience to close a book of uncertainty & misunderstandings to a new one of endless possibilities to begin a clean slate. 

As I continue on with this new process of learning to do better as person, I know my experiences will only keep me headed on the right path and working towards a peace of mind. It's obviously going to take me a little extra time to know when I can genuinely show forgiveness towards the person who didn't intend on purpose to make me feel offended or hurt--but knowing it will help me to leave this chapter behind for the both of us. Being an individual with a not so well known disability--I struggle a lot with not trying to take what gets said to me on a personal level because it can at times not feel that way, but it is difficult when I cannot understand how to approach something. 

Perception Four: (Self Care)

Calming Music has always been a good escape for me to unwind and settle down with my emotions. It has a way to give me the comfort I need during any hard time and coming to terms with where I need to be. I don't want to ever feel obligated in sharing what helps me feel better with others, but I know when there is a song I truly love listening to-- I can immediately try my hardest to relate the lyrics back to me and apply them in my own life. Think about it and see if it would work for you someday!!!

"When in doubt, Pray it out."

I definitely need to work on this one a little more and communicate with my heavenly father when I've needed his hand in my life. I know my prayers have continuously blessed the lives of people who need them and pushing through to make sure I don't leave anyone off my list. I have been grateful for those heartfelt prayers of friends who are such extraordinary individuals with potential to achieve their goals, make an impact in their community, touch the hearts of people around them, etc. 

Last Perception: (Healing Process)

I obviously have quite a bit of healing to do between now and when my virtual conference takes place in a few short weeks. I have never felt more determined to just realize my words and actions can effect people around me, sometimes without questions needing to be asked. I know myself as a person on the inside and out is someone who wants to see good in this world everyday, whether is going out of a very small comfort zone to impact someone else's life, educating others on the issues that affect the lives of those with disabilities and helping them know about the resources they can look into, etc. I know I am the only person in control over how they respond to things and want to move forward in handling it in the best way possible. I have so much more in myself to contribute in this world and maybe it will give me another reason to keep changing my perspective on things, regardless of what has taken place in my past experiences. I will continue blogging as much as I can when there is anything to write up about as well as trying to feel better into this next week once it arrives. I will take as much extra time as I need with being able to move forward in the right direction and never let my struggles define who I am. It's going to take some extra work on my part--but I know taking care of myself first is going to make the biggest difference for not only me, but others in my life too!!!

Heavenly Wish

 Happy 20th Birthday Scooter!!! There's not ever a moment in my life when I am not wishing you were here with us and bringing more of your unconditional love to share. You were such an important part of my life throughout your journey here on this earth and cannot imagine how much my life has changed since you left us only to what feels like yesterday. Thank you so much for being the absolute sweetest fluffy best friend that anyone could ever have in this world and I know your impact on me is not ever going to fade itself out of here any time soon. Hope you have the most unforgettable birthday in your heavenly home tomorrow and I cannot wait for the day when we see each other again!!! 

Scooter,

I still miss you more than anything in this world and still wish you were here to celebrate your day!! I am grateful for your friendship to me through the thick and thin times, when I didn't know what else to do in any other kind of situation life handed over. Your unconditional love for me and our family is one that I'll forever hold close to my heart--because I know nobody would ever take that away for the rest of eternity.

Best Dog Ever (2000-2015)

20. You were truly the best dog ever and always showed me kindness-- whether I deserved it or not. I'm truly blessed to have known you as long as I did and even though I was scared to death of animals-- You made me realize that there is nothing to be frightened about. You warmed my heart with standing at the door to greet me when I'd walk in from school, dance, or let alone whatever else I found myself getting involved with. You made me feel like everything in this world was going to be okay and when you got brought home after getting told you'd be taking a very long nap... which to this day leave me knowing- you are never going to be that far away from me. I love you so much and cannot wait for the day when we get to be reunited once again!!! 

As you can see from this post, my little best friend was the best of the best dogs on our block. She was always happy to greet people with a smile and cheer them up whenever they needed it at any time. I'm grateful for her legacy of reminding me that no matter what happens in my life, I am never alone. Love you so much and I hope you are saving a special spot for me in heaven. 

Taken Back

When I received the acceptance email about being a youth mentor for my disability leadership conference, it was definitely quite surreal in more ways than I expected it to be. I have questioned a little bit if there is not more to the story here than what meets the eye, because several months back-- I didn't think for even a second that I'd even reach this goal once again. I know it is an exciting moment for me to celebrate about an opportunity that has continued to impact my life in countless ways, but somehow it feels a little more taken back this time around. 

I really hope to leave an imprint on the hearts of everybody who participates with us and tries to get as much out of the conference as they can possible. But it leaves me wondering if I was only felt sorry for due what I did months prior to this even becoming a reality or if it was because the person who sent me the information wanted to give me another chance? I may never know the exact answer and that to me will have to be something I need to persevere through until the event actually happens...but who knows?? It has given me a lot of mixed emotions as to knowing if I was even their first choice or just someone they had to contemplate a lot on before making an official decision? 

It's most likely unusual for me to share this with you, but I know my experiences throughout the past almost fourteen months have obviously led me straight to here. I really didn't know what to think once the email came through if I was only dreaming or just wanted to accept whatever was going to happen would end up simply being what it needed to be? 

I am not particularly sure about how this all came into my head (let alone into a blog post like this but I do know it needed to be shared with anyone who reads my stuff understands where I am coming from.) I was expecting my chances of being selected were not gonna be very high up there after turning in my application months before and I knew in my heart--I needed to be fair with how the outcome would be if it ever came into my path. 

The message I want to get across here is one of the hardest for me to wrap my head around... I am not particularly certain if I was even close to being the mentor who got selected not knowing their chances were not very much up there. I am just simply hoping for an experience that is going to leave me with a chance to refocus on what I can do better as a disability leader, advocate, mentor and friend to all of those youth participants who I know have so much they will need to get out of the conference as they can possible. I am certainly not sure about what other surprises this virtual conference will have in store for me and my friends--but I legitimately hope it will start and finish off better than what happened last year. I want to be a disability leader whose not only just a good person, but someone who motivates and encourages others like themselves to know they are not alone. They can accomplish as many goals as I know they are capable of doing (regardless of what others may think they are not able to tackle.) I know this second year of being on a virtual conference is going to have a lot of ups and downs along the way- but I am truly grateful to contribute in anyway that I can to make this event successful. It has obviously been a struggle for me to reach this point and feel confident in what lies ahead--but until the conference itself happens, I am not sure what else is going to be expected of us youth mentors. I am determined in making sure I leave an imprint on the hearts of everyone who is going to be involved with this event & realizing that just doing my best is enough. All I can easily admit now is: NINJA Conference 2021----- Ready Or Not--Here I Come!!! :) 

Short Preview

Post Self Advocacy Conference Review (Virtual Meeting)

It was definitely an experience that I know will not be forgotten--I truly loved being a part of this self advocacy conference planning committee and sharing my input on what we wanted to do for our virtual event. I really enjoyed getting to work alongside some outstanding people in the disability community-- and learning from one another was a dream come true!!! 

The entire conference itself was an incredible opportunity for me and my friends to see what we worked immensely hard on for months come altogether. I really liked getting to participate and learn new ways with improving my self advocacy skills from the best of the best in our state!!! 

Official Certificate: (Coming Soon)

This certification will arrive in the mail box at some point in time and I am very much grateful for the opportunity of being able to share my ideas on what we wanted to do for the event. It was truly a great privilege for me to get to know other people a little bit more and genuinely appreciate who they are. It never ceases to amaze me when I get opportunities like this and they do not come around too often but when it does, I never want to pass it up!!! 

2021 Virtual NINJA Conference (Last Zoom Edition)

This disability conference has been a part of my life for six years and counting-- (which if you ask me now it is certainly hopefully gonna be an event to remember.) I am feeling slightly nervous about how much I will need to control on my end as well as try to keep in tact throughout the week. I really quite struggled last year on the conference with expressing myself properly and trying to focus on just about everything that will be discussed or let alone taught on the event. It was difficult for me on a very deep emotional level not being able to spend quality time with my friends in person-(which is a whole other story for some different post.) 

Untitled Post

Why is leadership important?

Until I found myself as part of the disability community, I held various leadership positions and must not have realized the impact I was making in the lives of other people. It was my personal responsibility with making sure things ran smoothly and that I didn't mess around not trying to set a good example for others who counted on me to go out of my way to accomplish my tasks. I have definitely learned the hard way-- trying to understand how much of a role model I can be for others to look up to and learn from personal experiences that it has taken so much to overcome, being able to get to where I am now. I know my life's never going to be perfect no matter how many trials get handed to me, but giving it my one hundred and ten percent is better than nothing at all. 

My leadership status continues to remind me of who I want to become later on and instead of making a complete fool of myself all the time!! It has strengthened me in ways that I never imagined possible and trying to see the bigger picture has been tough at times, when it never should have been in the first place (which if you ask me is a whole another story!!) I am grateful for the many amazing people who stick by me through the thick and thin--(even if I don't necessarily deserve it at all or not--but I can't imagine how my life would be if I didn't get to learn from the best colleagues that anyone could ever ask for.)

Ninja Fever

Re-Selected (Once Again)

I received an email about getting chosen to be a youth mentor for this year's virtual ninja youth leadership conference and honestly--I still cannot wrap my head around it. I was not getting my hopes up about this whatsoever and realizing there are so many other youth who applied for this position-- that would do just simply as good of a job as I would in this mentoring program. I am grateful for the opportunity to do this all over again and hopefully come out of it with a much more clear picture of what I need to improve on with my life. 

I'm a little extra nervous about how things are going to pan out and due to the circumstances, I had put my self into these past almost fourteen months prior. I am not even sure if this was completely out of having--made a legitimate impression on my mentor application or what the exact story is, but knowing I will give it my one hundred and ten percent through it all-- is what I will contribute into making the event truly just unforgettable!!!

Not necessarily certain about part of the conference where we'll be sharing our heartfelt thoughts about what leadership means to us personally or if it will be something completely different. I am grateful for whatever opportunities come in my path and learning as much as I can possible-- (sometimes has been a very difficult thing for me. But you get the full idea here right?!) 

Last Year Online?! One can only hope it will be the final time this conference has to be hosted online and that this time next summer-- We are back in person up at Utah State University in Logan and just living the dream if you know what I mean?! Please stay tuned for updates to come!!! 

Vegas Trip

TOMORROW MORNING---My family and I will hit the road for our much needed vacation to Las Vegas to spend quality time with each other but as well unwind from the craziness in this world. Minus all of that I just said here, We do not have much of anything planned besides checking out the place we will be staying at for the week as well as doing a little shopping, swimming outside, etc. I cannot wait to just feel like nothing over the past thirteen months has not been a struggle for me, when it clearly is or has become into something like that. I legitimately wanted to spend time in Hawaii for seven days but to make a long story short--We set on going down to Vegas and getting a chance to do something other than be home. It has been a long awaited trip that I have anxiously wanted to see happen and finally it will be here tomorrow afternoon!!! I am not going to have any new current updates on my blog for the time I'll be away and so I hope to make the best of all the many opportunities I will have to escape from my hectic life. 

Tahiti Village Resort

This place is one that I've never stayed at before and cannot wait to see what it's like in person. I am truly grateful for any chance I get to be away from home and refocus on myself a little more-- which has been something I've longed awaited for some time now. From what I've heard about the place itself, it is truly (absolutely one of the best in this world) and I cannot wait to see what they have to offer. I'll try my best with sharing any kind of stories or updates about this trip once I'm back home--but who knows?! Please stay tuned for more information to come at a later date!!! :) I'm certainly hopeful it is pretty legitimate if you ask me!!! 

Weekly Status

Unselected? (Not Getting My Hopes Up)

I'm not necessarily getting my hopes up about being selected yet again as a youth mentor for the second virtual NINJA Youth Leadership Conference. After hearing that acceptance emails will be going out this week is kind of leaving me in a position with not knowing if I even did get chosen-- I'm not sure if things would be as less emotionally draining as they were due to the situation I put myself in last year. I am truly going to have to accept whatever ends up happening is what needs to take place and can only prepare for more opportunities of a lifetime. This opportunity has been such a delight for me to encourage, motivate, help other youth delegates to get as much out of the conference as they can, etc. But I know it has to just simply come down to however many candidates are selected to be mentors this year, have the most legit and incredible experience ever!!! 

Mini Conference Update (Unofficial News)

I could not be more than excited to hear a little bit more about this unforgettable leadership opportunity. It is definitely a wonderful privilege of helping to give my input and plan a conference, that none of my own peers will soon forget. I cannot wait to get started with this new chapter of my life and do as much as I can possible to influence the lives of many youth with disabilities in our area. I was completely speechless the moment I got asked to be of assistance with this mini conference and didn't hesitate to say YES within just a matter of seconds!!!

This mini conference will be held in the next two months (Early July) and making it as unique as possible which if you must know---I think is going to be an experience that I will not soon forget for many years to come. I cannot wait to get more involved with seeing how all of this will unfold in front of me and seeing the youth in my area embrace who they are, regardless of the many stumbling blocks that they are in their way. I am very thrilled to be a part of something like this and even though it is for a single day--I cannot wait to learn more about becoming an even better leader in the disability community. Please stay tuned for more stories and updates to come if I ever have get a chance to share anything else!!! :)

Mini Vacation

This next week cannot arrive soon enough and I'm anxious to spend time away from things for a little bit of time. It is definitely gonna feel relaxing to be somewhere else for awhile and not worry about much else other than what I need to take care of throughout the remainder of that week. It always feels good to have any kind of time to refocus on myself a little more and make sure I'm doing okay (in spite of what has taken place in my life over the course of time.) 

Random Story (Miniature Version)

TONIGHT---I loved being able to spend quality time with extended family and catch up. It was such an unforgettable evening with many laughs and endless stories to share!!! I am grateful for any chance that our family gets to visit and reconnect with one another--whenever we have an opportunity that comes up in our path. I am so grateful for family who continuously supports each other and never fails to bring one smile to my face whenever I need it the very most in life. 

Weekly Break (Stay Tuned)

Since I'll be out of town this next week and not spending any time at home, I will be unable to write up any blog posts. I know it may not seem like much of anything to be worried about and yet I am grateful for the opportunity to not share anything new with people until after I'm back. Please do not think for a second that I am purposefully neglecting to post up new stuff-- but I just need a lot more time to relax as well as recuperate from everything that I have on my plate. I will try my hardest to blog at the very start of next week if I ever think about new things to share with all of you!!! See you all in a week!!!!