Ready To Forgive???
There is such an enormous question mark on my forehead about when I'll be ready to let these words out of my mouth. I've made it clearly obvious that my feelings were severely hurt in a way, that never should have been done and yet I am not certain where I know my heart is going to be. I am confident there is not much more traumatic emotions left in me after what how they have led me to where I am right now. With making this blog post short--I am feeling kind of messed up about how I need to forgive the person whose actions spoke louder than words did throughout this journey. I will not necessarily do this right away, but if you must know I have so much more to contemplate on before a final decision is made. I also have this gutted feeling in my heart I need to forgive this person sooner rather than wait this out for another month leading up to a one day event.
I'm nervous on how they will take me forgiving them because it could be taken in any unknown direction- and who knows if I'd even be an emotional wreck or just someone anxiously waiting for an in person hug instead of one that comes back to me on a Zoom Meeting. I cannot wait for that moment to wrap my arms around the person and feel a peace of mind which is something I desperately need more than anything else in this universe. Whether the individual wants my hugs or not in the moment-- I know it will be the chance for me to get that comfort I've needed for some time now (let alone the past fourteen months and counting if you know what I mean??)
I am hopeful things can settle down quickly and help me realize what I need to do better. Being such a highly sensitive person in this world, I know there will be more obstacles in the way to look past (Let alone try to not stop me from seeing what I am capable of handling.) I know this experience has been one of the hardest trials for me to overcome and leave behind in the past where it should be placed & not anywhere else.
I need to realize my control over someone else is not going to turn itself around at any given moment and not be what I've visually pictured in my mind. I know the health epidemic has attested to so much of what I have experienced and felt throughout this past year. I am feeling so immensely grateful for the opportunity to contemplate a little bit more on when it would be a good appropriate time, to pull them aside and let her know I wholeheartedly need to forgive.
This has been one of the gut wrenching lessons I've ever had to learn (especially with someone who I've looked up to so much as an individual in the disability community.) They have continued to impress me with their patience and understanding whenever I'm in a vulnerable state--I need to be extra careful or else there could be consequences to the way I express myself to them and not realizing the effect it is having on them as much as it does on me!!! I'll never once again in my life make assumptions about all of the many ways I pictured this individual to be, when I was not clearly seeing them as just trying their hardest to not go out of their way to hurt other people. I know we have had our mishaps with things that could have easily been prevented altogether and yet I didn't realize in the moment--what I could've done a little bit better in response to handling the situation in a less difficult manner.
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