Mini Stories

Virtual NINJA Conference (2021 Edition) 

Please stay tuned for updates about this coming after next week!!! I cannot wait to learn more about being a good disability leader, self advocate, mentor and someone who would do anything in this world to make sure their voice is heard. If you didn't necessarily check out my post earlier this week about the amazingly legitimate care package I received the other day, I'd highly suggest you read through it first. Since I'll be occupied with this event for three days straight and little time to share my thoughts on what I have gotten out of it--You will need to be extra patient with me!!!

Mental Status (Short Version)

I've done a lot of hard self reflections about myself these past five months and it has clearly shown me all of the many ways I can make improvements. It has been really difficult for me to reach this point in life & not feel the slightest bit of regret in how I wished things could have been handled. I am grateful to have an incredible disability leader among others who have stuck with me through the thick and thin--whether if I deserved it or not. I cannot wait to receive one of the sweetest hugs ever and know everything is going to be okay afterwards, because it has felt like as though any of the contact I used to have with my friends--- unexpectedly got taken away from me for what seemed as though it was an eternity. I know lots of my blog posts have been fairly repetitive with the many mixed emotions as well as anxious feelings that I have continued experiencing on a regular basis. More about this later!!! 

Self Talk

Who is a leader that you look up to and why? (Post 359)

I am truly grateful for the many individuals who have given me reasons to keep going forward in life and not worrying about the small things. I know they have left an imprint on my heart through their goodness and how they live in this world is second to none, which if you ask me is more accurate than most people would ever think twice about. I continue to mention how lucky I am to work alongside some of the best in our state on a regular basis, as well as learning from them is such a remarkable experience!!! I am grateful for their patience with me as I have endured through so much this past year and recognizing what my true abilities in life are (regardless of whatever obstacles lie in my path). I am forever indebted to them for just encouraging me to keep my head up high and a smile on my face, whether I want it on me or not. I cannot imagine my life without their ongoing support and motivating me to see the good in what life has to offer every single day.

Mini Answer:

I'd easily admit that my good friend Randi (among many other people in my NINJA family) are some of the greatest leaders I look up to in this world. I know their support towards me in my new leadership & advocacy roles are not at times the easiest things for me, but it is comforting to know I am not alone in anything I set my heart on. I am grateful for her patience, heartfelt advice that she has given me over an absolute difficult time in my life, video chatting with me when I need someone to talk to, playing any of my favorite songs when I need something to cheer me up, etc. I am grateful for their friendship so much and helping me to see the brighter side of any situation that life hands over to me, whether it is anything I needed to clearly understand in a more genuine way has brought me comfort endless times. 

Mini Shout Out:

I'd like to give a little shout out for my two favorite queens who are vying for the title of Miss Utah this week!!! I am grateful for their kindness towards to me and just being good role models for not only me, but so many other people in this world. I know they will give this experience all that they have worked so incredibly hard towards and cannot wait to see what their futures hold down the road. Sending all of my hugs and best wishes to them!!! 

Mentor Panel

As I reflect back on my experiences with being a youth mentor for this NINJA Conference, it has truly been something I'll forever hold close to my heart. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have gotten with inspiring and encouraging self advocates with disabilities to know they are not alone. It has been a wonderful privilege for me to help and assist others in having a positive experience on the conference as well as trying to motivate them to accomplish their goals. 

In conjunction with this online event--me and my other colleagues will get to participate in a mentor panel where we are going to be asked a question about why leadership is important. I'm not very much certain about other questions are going to be asked next to the one I mentioned here, but after the teary eyed moment I had last year--I know this one will be an unforgettable experience to remember. I am so excited about getting to share my thoughts and insight on why this particular subject is very important- especially within the disability community itself. 

Other News (Unofficial Stories)

TOMORROW NIGHT---I'll be participating on my fourth mentor training in conjunction with this virtual disability conference and it is almost hard to believe!!! I am excited to share my thoughts and feelings on why leadership is important makes this event all that but more special. I cannot wait for the more updates and stories I will get to share with everyone, when I have the chance to some time later this month. 

To Be Continued

New Changes

 Self Advocacy/Self Determination Training (Utah State University)

I'm stoked about this training that comes up in about three weeks!!! I cannot wait to get back into doing trainings for people in person again and educating them on issues that effect individuals in the disability community. One of my most favorite people who used to be involved in the IL World for many years--- and someone that I've considered to be like a second mom to me, reached out to my boss asking us if we could do a presentation for them on the topic I mentioned above. My colleague and I have anxiously just wanted to return back to in person stuff for awhile, which if you ask me is something I cannot wait to do once the chance arrives itself in my hands!! 

This experience will certainly be one that I hope stays close to my heart and look forward to being around people in my age group, who I know have a lot of potential to accomplish so many things. It's going to be an all day long event with lots of laughs to share as well as informing self advocates about ways they can have their voices heard. It's nothing short of a dream come true whenever I get to present on an important topic like this one in front of self advocates as well as to someone who I genuinely love so much as not only a professional in their field, but an individual who tries to do everything they can to help self advocates like me fulfill their dreams!!! 

Virtual (In Person Conference)

There will be only four other people with me on this virtual event and look forward to mentoring some of my own peers in some way. I cannot wait to assist and help them with getting as much out of the event as they can possible, because I know the more you can get out of what is being taught in a lesson or whatever is being presented-- I think is extremely important. More details to come!!! :) 

Free Write

As the summer months kick off, I didn't ever imagine myself writing up as many blog posts as I have in the course of a five year period let alone over three hundred plus entries!!! It has allowed me to endless times to feel vulnerable and share what is in my heart with other people. (Especially all of my closest friends who I truly love more than anything in this world if you ask me!!) There are certainly days when I am not in the mood to write up about anything in my life, because I would feel a little afraid if it didn't come across as uncomfortable for some people who read through my posts. I always feel slightly awkward when I want to share my posts with others, because this blog of mine has turned itself into like my safe haven in more ways than one!!! I have so many upcoming events and activities that are just around the corner waiting for me to convey and express to all of you. I have spent a lot of extra time in trying to keep my blog posts as accurate and current as I can possible, which if you ask me is just one of those things I try to keep hidden from the world. I am so grateful for this privilege that I have to write up about anything I need to remember and keep close to my heart--because if I didn't share anything whatsoever, I would certainly not be the person I am now. It has been an incredible and emotional journey for me to reach these many posts and not feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the progress I have made. I feel so grateful for the sense of peace my blog has given me (even if I don't necessarily deserve it sometimes-- but I am not gonna lie--this experience for me has allowed so much of who I am to come out.) I truly love being able to share everything that I perceive in this world through the eyes of a dancer, disability self advocate, leader, mentor, friend and someone who knows the potential they have to make it through whatever comes into their life path. 

Summer Plans 2021

- Virtual NINJA Youth Leadership Conference (Zoom)

- 29th Birthday (Say What??)

- Family Reunion in Idaho 

- Mini Youth Leadership Conference 

- Special Needs Ballroom?!?! (TBD) 

- Educational Trainings with the Speakers Network (June/July/August)

Progress Made So Far:

I'm trying my absolute best to maintain and keep boundaries within the leadership positions I currently get the privilege to serve in. It has been difficult for me to understand just how important this really is, no matter how many opportunities I get to assist and help in throughout the next several years. I know mistakes will continue to be made on a regular basis and not realizing the way it is going to strengthen, as well as help me to strive harder each day to do a little better. 

Not going into a lot of detail about this, but I have so much more to work on in my life and hopefully once things are settled down-- I'll be able to recognize the bigger picture. I know my visible emotions will never not be a part of who I am because everyone has ups and downs in life, that most of us truly wish we did not have to face against everyday. I know my life has been through an impossible amount of uncertainty and not knowing what could happen next wears itself on my mind more often than I can admit. 

Evaluates

Book Closed (Part One)

I'm legitimately grateful to close this lingered chapter of anxiety and being highly sensitive about every little thing that has ever happened during those lost fourteen months. I know it has taken me forever w/ trying to reach this point in my life and despite having mentioned some heart wrenched stuff towards a person who I know is giving their one hundred and ten percent in all that they do. I have probably been visualized in my head as the most difficult person they have ever worked with and yet I know there isn't any kind of truth to it whatsoever. 

Close To Heart (Life Lessons)

I've taken almost every lesson that someone has tried to help me understand better, has gotten me to where I am today. It has continuously given me a lot of extra time to do self reflection about how I can adjust my own mental health to solve problems in a mature way. I cannot explain all of the many tears that have just rolled themselves down my face with guilt unbearably weighing itself on me, to be a perfectionist with all of the many responsibilities I have on my plate. I may not know as much about certain things in the world of disability awareness as other people do--but I am humbled to be working alongside the best of the best our state has placed in the leadership roles that they have. 

Unanswered Question: (Why would you put that expectation on me???)

This question continues to linger itself in my head and with no possible end in sight-- Why did I even consider to share my personal thoughts on the matter?! I'll try my hardest to keep this brief to not waste your time reading through what I have to say...But you need to understand this has been a long awaited moment for me to feel somewhat at ease with my life. I was immensely caught up in the moments with trying to be as honest as I could be and instead turned into a complete utter mess altogether. I refused to allow the emotions in my heart to not overflow with anxiety themselves and yet there I was not certain about why I was selected for the leadership roles I've been chosen to tackle. I genuinely love what I do with all of the many people who are so remarkable at what they can do in making sure individuals with disabilities have their needs met on a regular basis. It has been stressful to not feel as though I am under so much pressure all the time whenever I participate on a virtual meeting or just trying to ignore what I know is going to help me into the future?!

Revised Story

Ready To Forgive???

There is such an enormous question mark on my forehead about when I'll be ready to let these words out of my mouth. I've made it clearly obvious that my feelings were severely hurt in a way, that never should have been done and yet I am not certain where I know my heart is going to be. I am confident there is not much more traumatic emotions left in me after what how they have led me to where I am right now. With making this blog post short--I am feeling kind of messed up about how I need to forgive the person whose actions spoke louder than words did throughout this journey. I will not necessarily do this right away, but if you must know I have so much more to contemplate on before a final decision is made. I also have this gutted feeling in my heart I need to forgive this person sooner rather than wait this out for another month leading up to a one day event. 

I'm nervous on how they will take me forgiving them because it could be taken in any unknown direction- and who knows if I'd even be an emotional wreck or just someone anxiously waiting for an in person hug instead of one that comes back to me on a Zoom Meeting. I cannot wait for that moment to wrap my arms around the person and feel a peace of mind which is something I desperately need more than anything else in this universe. Whether the individual wants my hugs or not in the moment-- I know it will be the chance for me to get that comfort I've needed for some time now (let alone the past fourteen months and counting if you know what I mean??) 

I am hopeful things can settle down quickly and help me realize what I need to do better. Being such a highly sensitive person in this world, I know there will be more obstacles in the way to look past (Let alone try to not stop me from seeing what I am capable of handling.) I know this experience has been one of the hardest trials for me to overcome and leave behind in the past where it should be placed & not anywhere else.

I need to realize my control over someone else is not going to turn itself around at any given moment and not be what I've visually pictured in my mind. I know the health epidemic has attested to so much of what I have experienced and felt throughout this past year. I am feeling so immensely grateful for the opportunity to contemplate a little bit more on when it would be a good appropriate time, to pull them aside and let her know I wholeheartedly need to forgive. 

This has been one of the gut wrenching lessons I've ever had to learn (especially with someone who I've looked up to so much as an individual in the disability community.) They have continued to impress me with their patience and understanding whenever I'm in a vulnerable state--I need to be extra careful or else there could be consequences to the way I express myself to them and not realizing the effect it is having on them as much as it does on me!!! I'll never once again in my life make assumptions about all of the many ways I pictured this individual to be, when I was not clearly seeing them as just trying their hardest to not go out of their way to hurt other people. I know we have had our mishaps with things that could have easily been prevented altogether and yet I didn't realize in the moment--what I could've done a little bit better in response to handling the situation in a less difficult manner. 

Carrie Underwood - Change