Timeline

Aside from the nerves that I have about my upcoming event, I certainly would not have felt as confident to do this if I didn't think it was not good for me. I know it will be a little different from all the other events that I have participated in before and yet I do feel confident with being able to give it my best onto the stage, as well as trying to make an impression on all of those judges there. I'm really excited to get better acquainted with all of the many other participants in attendance and making some new friendships along this journey too. 

2019 Utah Miss Amazing Pageant

March 29th, 2019 - Friday Morning/Afternoon

After I return back from volunteering at the elementary school, I will immediately begin pulling out my suitcase from the closet and packing up all of the necessities I need for this unforgettable weekend:

- Interview Outfit for the day

- All of my make up from home

- Talent Outfit 

- Evening Gown

Miscellaneous Items:

-Trash bags filled with items that can be thrown away or donated to charities that can put the stuff to good use. We haven't necessarily started doing this stuff yet and can only hope for the very best in whatever ends up either changing my life or teaching me an important lesson. I am so excited for this opportunity to get out of my comfort zone a little bit as a self advocate and it definitely is beginning to feel quite surreal as the days get closer. 

Untitled Post

Revived Story (Part Two)

The moment I'd step outside of that classroom door... My life could easily turn upside down and not feel like I ended up making the worst choice ever, but who is counting down the hours/minutes, let alone days here?! I've never wanted to come to this point with being a volunteer aide & in sense of how emotionally painful it will be to not help out someone who has played such an important role throughout the past several years. I have literally wanted to give up on trying as hard as I can with making it through this school year with my head held high, but not like this if you ask me!!! It has never made me want to question the reasons why I did choose to help out in such a difficult classroom with a group of kids who have taken time to get to know me, but others neglect without making me feel like a part of things. It must have been an absolute mistake on my part to think this was how I expected things to be throughout this year or otherwise it would've turned out so much different, but who am I kidding about this here?!?! 

From what I was neglected to know with this experience is... I never prepared myself for the fear of unknown difficulty that only continues to push me over the edge and leave me in a position with not even a chance to make it the best of any obstacle that much easier. Sometimes, I am not particularly certain if this what needed to happen for me at all but there must be a logical reason for why it has never continued to make me have a peace of mind. 

Never in my life I have gotten misunderstood for trying to advocate & speak my mind... This friend of mine knows that I don't hold anything back and cannot keep it hidden much longer, but I have to make a deal with myself to not let them find out. I will need to continue keeping it inside of me for as much as possible for the remainder of this school year if that can be pulled off until it drives me crazy to the point, where I am literally needing to get my mom involved & stand up for me in some way or another. 

I have really not wanted to come across like the person who tries to draw attention with people & making a complete fool of myself... But I am so ready for a new year without much difficulties placed in front of me, also not having an acquaintance who makes me feel the last person they need in their classroom. I have really started to get tired of feeling like this all the time and throughout the last year alone, so much has weighed me into a person that does not deserve to be taught with learning from their mistakes, but to tell the straight/honest truth regardless of how it could make the other individual perceive me to become. I will forever have no doubt in my mind with how much I respect, love, admire and look up to this remarkable teacher who has worked tirelessly everyday with making it a positive, yet somewhat happy experience for me but it has been very little. 

What more can I possibly do with turning this situation around?! Is there anything I can make an effort to accomplish & not have them sneaking around to figure it out for themselves?! I have tried my absolute best every single week with not knowing the unexpected twists and turns that would suddenly come up onto my door step on a regular basis, but like I've mentioned once already in this blog post--- who am I kidding about this situation here?!?! I cannot even begin to describe the pain behind that closed door and trying to not let the teardrops roll down my cheeks, with knowing they will not get wiped away without one of my hands right on my face. I know this teacher friend of mine will never be the person who tries to make me feel slightly better about the fact--- I haven't been able to get the full and most unforgettable experience of my life because they haven't gotten their act together without needing to make me feel less needed than usual. 

Pageant Mode

Utah Miss Amazing Pageant 2019 - Countdown Begins!!!

It's almost surreal for me to think about how much time is left before the pageant officially kicks off...in less than a week from Saturday!!! I am super thrilled with being able to push myself a little bit and getting to be a more empowered self advocate in behalf of others with disabilities like myself through this remarkable organization. I have just needed some extra time to get my other areas with competition taken care of before anything else can fall into their place, leading up to this next coming week.



I am slightly nervous in the aspect of talking with each judge one on one for a minute, alongside the hopes of making a really good impression too if it at all possible. I definitely want to make a good first look in the sense of all the many reasons I would find myself being one of their Miss Queens, but I know that somebody like me will represent themselves to the best of their ability. 

I haven't necessarily blogged too much about my talent portion in this competition, because of the fact I don't know how well it is going to turn out. I am confident it will be so much fun getting to be on a stage with my dance partner and having a blast, showing off what I can do in regards with doing a ballroom dance routine. It is certainly one of my most favorite things ever as performing has been a part of my life for many years and hopefully our performance will turn out to be one of the greatest & happiest times ever!!! 

Other Preparations:

- Outfit for Talent (X)

- Music (X)

- Evening Gown (X)

- Five Cans of Food (TBD)

- Smile (X)

- Hair & Make Up (Getting that done at the pageant itself and cannot wait for the experience of a life time!!! More about this later on when there is a lot of stories to share with you all.) I would definitely love to have a hairstyle that can blow people away and something different from anything else that I know other people would normally be used to seeing on me.

This has been one of the most long awaited experiences for me and cannot wait to share it with a lot of other amazing young woman just like me!!! I am determined with making the best of it as long as I'm there to participate along with other people who may not know the kinda person I am, but I will do my best in trying to be myself as much as I can possible. There is more to what I can share with each of you right here than what you are reading at this very moment, but I would much rather keep this a complete surprise if you ask me!!! ;) Please stay tuned for more updates to come!!! 

Spectacular

Getting to share this experience with my best friends was an opportunity that I will never forget as the years keep passing by... and loved every single minute of it so much!!! We all had an incredible time dancing the night away, smiling, laughing till our hearts were tired, etc. If you must know... it was such an unforgettable and happy night to be able to share this event with all of the many kings and queens who were there!!! 

My best friend's dad rented all five of us a limo to ride up to the event in and of course, on the way back home. Believe it or not, The limo we were inside of seats twenty two people and not to mention we drank water out of champagne glasses!!!! Plus, A lot of other participants who were there at this event got to have a ride in our limo too.

Walking into the event on a red carpet with legitimate paparazzi is a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Their positive energy certainly made and my friends feel extra special, which I do know is just the beginning of what this event is all about.

 Participated in the Karaoke activity and singing to our favorite musical artist ever... ("Something about Love.") It was an unforgettable moment filled with a lot of squeals and laughter all the way through the entire song, if you can believe that!!!

Got a lot of pictures taken all night long and did I forget to mention some surprise guests showed up?! We had the opportunity with meeting famous Disney princesses like: (Cinderella, Belle, Mulan, Elsa & Anna, etc.) Talk about an unforgettable evening filled with happiness and getting to enjoy all that this prom night had to offer.

Thanks so much to the Tim Tebow Foundation for yet again putting on this worldwide prom event for individuals with special needs. It has never ceased to amaze me every year that this event gives all of those like myself a chance to be in the spotlight and feel a little extra loved was indescribable. I really loved every single minute of this special night so much and cannot wait to do it all over again in the years to come. 

Favorite Song

I used to hurt.

I used to hide.

I could only see the walls that I kept myself behind

And it was hard, until I found

There's one who knows the way to bring them down.

He showed me how to look for more

To see the truth, I couldn't find before

And I learned to believe there's more 

That I can be

I can be stronger now

'Cause he showed me how

I took a step into the Light

I followed the voice that said

That I was strong enough to try

And as my heart could hear the sound

I knew I could climb above the doubt.

He showed me how to look for more

To see the truth, I couldn't find before

And I learned to believe there's more

That I can be

I can be stronger now

'Cause he showed me how

Yes He did, Oh

His love opened my eyes

And I know that He's been

There by my side.

He showed me how to look for more

To see the truth, I couldn't find before

And I learned to believe there's more

That I can be 

I can be stronger now

'Cause he showed me how

'Cause he showed me how

This song I have recently played on you tube and cannot quit listening to the message behind all of these lyrics. It has also reminded me that our Savior, Jesus Christ has already showed us how to live and serve those around us, as well as many other things in between. I know that my life is never going to be perfect or have all sunshine and happiness at times... but I have continued to persevere through it all by reflecting on him more everyday. I am grateful for the powerful way that my favorite singer & songwriter performs in this song more than anything else in this world, because of the truthfulness I know comes from striving to live the gospel on a regular basis. His testimony of what it means to be more like our Savior who unimaginably showed us how from this example about loving people and taking the time to minister to those around that we come in contact with. Aside from all the difficult experiences I will continue to have in my lifetime, I am grateful to know there is somebody whose already made it possible for us to be with our families forever and turning to him whenever we do need some comfort in any given moment. If you have not listened to this song yet-- I would highly recommend it to anyone that may need a little bit of peace in their lives and hopefully it will only inspire you with seeing the good in this world. 

Remembrance

Happy Two Year Friendversary, Josh!!! Life is certainly not the same without you around to talk and laugh with on a regular basis. It has really given me an opportunity to grow and learn from my experiences, just regardless of how difficult they can become sometimes for us. Life has seriously thrown me a lot of curve balls that I was not prepared to see coming and cannot wish for them to just immediately disappear.


I am grateful for the light you were in my life throughout all these years and wish you could be here to see all of the many unforgettable moments happening right now. I am really so incredibly grateful for your unconditional love, happiness, and a desire to just keep swimming whenever life felt almost unbearable than it should be.


You have truly made an impact on my life in ways that not even I can thank you enough for and I am eternally grateful to have a friend like you who continued to see the bright side of everything.

I know you are being well taken care of in a better place and teaching all of those who need to hear about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the other side. You have left an absolute legacy of unconditional love, happiness and a desire to just keep swimming whenever life feels too be a little more unbearable than it should be. I know you are inspiring those up in Heaven with your contagious smile and teaching them things they need to learn about how to strive harder each day.


I am grateful for your friendship as well as example in my life, more than anything else in this world has to offer. Thank you so much for all that you did to make this world a better place and one I can only hope will do you proud. It's been really hard for all of us to not wish you were still here and not to mention...being the absolute life of the party who never failed to make us laugh till our hearts were tired!! I'm grateful to know that one day, I will get that opportunity of seeing your smiling face again and catching up on life as much as possible. We love and miss you more than you could ever imagine!!! 

As you can see from reading through this, I reached the two year mark from when me and my friend Josh became friends on Facebook. His contagious spirit of optimism is greatly missed in more ways than I could ever possibly describe into words right now... but I know it will live on forever into the eternities. It has been such a difficult time in my life, not wishing there was a way to bring you back here... but I have no doubt our Heavenly Father needed you back in his presence more than anything. I know he needed you to continue serving for those on the other side who want to learn from such a remarkable person like yourself. I am grateful for the opportunity that I will have to hang out with you in Heaven and cannot wait for that big hug of yours too!!!!

Almost There

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON---The second grade teacher whose classroom I volunteer in asked me this very simple question, "How are you?!" Right in that very moment I could have easily admitted how painful it was for me to be just sitting there next to them and yet other thoughts were running inside my head. I quietly told them a response that I'm sure they were not least expecting to hear out of my mouth, and yet there was not much I wanted to say.

"I don't know... I'm hanging in there." It was all I could think of to tell them and yet it was not the happiest response I had ever mentioned to somebody. There was not much of anything else to talk about with them other than my upcoming pageant this March and the talent I'm currently working on with my mom. We never discussed much of anything else related back to my life and how all the volunteering at the school has been for me...But at the same time, I wished something from my own mouth had gotten said out loud to this teacher friend of mine. I have literally wanted to stand up for myself several times throughout the last couple of weeks and never feel like it was the right choice that needs to be made. 

I have literally shed too many tears down my cheeks in order to make the best of this and somehow during various times it has struck a chord with me. I never prepared myself for what an uphill quiet battle this was going to be emotionally difficult and painful like it has turned out to be. I really want more than anything to have the remainder of this school year, just become one of the most rewarding and unforgettable experiences in my life. As much as it hurts to admit this on here, I am not prepared for what the next several months have in store for me and wish that Heavenly Father would make this all fade away in an instant, but that is not how he motivates us to strive harder each day. 

IN THE BEGINNING---I really felt like as thought I am just one more person for them to worry about and have something to keep me occupied. It has been nothing short of remarkable to really understand just how much I am not alone in this experience and despite the many times, I haven't wanted to return back inside of that classroom with how I have felt mistreated or in other words-- getting pushed off to the side in a corner with no idea of why I am even there. 

Conclusion:

Make the best of every single week that you can possible. It's never felt so incredibly harder on me than this year alone and striving to be a little better has only continued making me less of myself.... but obviously, who am I kidding here?!!! It has been such an emotional roller coaster ride for me in ways than nobody deserves to see themselves on, unless you feel inclined to learn something more about yourself and what you are capable of doing well. I really do appreciate all of the assistance I am able to give this teacher friend of mine so much and cannot thank them enough for being sweet, patient with me all year long. I have certainly never expected this to be as much of a struggle like it has turned out to be at times and maybe it is only the way to learn from my mistakes. Despite all of the fact they know it is hard for me... That doesn't necessarily fix how it has made me feel on a very personal level, but we all need to cut ourselves some slack to know we are doing the best we can do for those around us.