Mellowed Out

After how emotional and difficult this school year has turned out to be, I do have to believe that me along with the teacher finally were able to mellow out and not focus so much on the stress I've just had to sit back to watch from a corner. I've really struggled with trying to make a decision on if this experience is one to want another chance for because I strongly do not feel like it would be right to have a school year that puts my faith to the test and not come across as the last person that anyone should feel worried about at the end of the day.

Aside from this trial of my faith, I am determined with all of the power in my heart to make the best of it throughout the remainder of this year. I am certainly hopeful this school year ends on a brighter note than it did when all of this began and quite frankly...I am determined for an outcome that does not leave me in a tough position any much longer!!!!

Personal Vents:

Maybe the both of us were a little hard on ourselves... and possibly just not sure what to expect from the fact we could not meet eye to eye with each other. I really felt like it was a mistake having made any effort to step inside of that classroom and thinking it would be an incredible opportunity for me, to get to know all of those students-- but few of them have noticed that I come in every week. I feel like if this is how next year turns out to become, well I am sorry--but I don't know if I could relive another moment of unfathomable circumstances with anybody else. 

Maybe I didn't know the frustration and pressure this individual would see themselves under, because if I tried to find any kind of need to encourage or help them feel better--- it has clearly at times I just simply wished I had never brought it up in the first place. I am not particularly certain if there was a lot more reasons behind all of this than what I am telling you right now, but I cannot wait for another opportunity to grow into a stronger, more confident and determined person. 

Calmed Down (For Good?!)

Who knows if this is absolutely true or not... but I can only do whatever makes the teacher's life just slightly easier in some way, but I wouldn't think to get my hopes up as the rest of this year continues forward. Maybe I was not the person who deserved to be in this classroom at all, and sometimes I've tried to make the best of whatever I can in striving everyday to be a good volunteer. I know that my tasks are unnoticed in ways that I will never personally understand-- but I am hoping as long as I'm able to stick with what needs to be taken care of, I will feel more at peace with myself & remaining focused on the times it is helping me to come so much closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am very grateful for his direction and hand in my life throughout what has become one of the hardest & not worth mentioning a very unfathomable period that I didn't prepare myself for. I know he would never give me anything that he knows I could not handle, let alone try to make disappear out of the blue. It's because of Him we can strive harder everyday to recognize the blessings that come from our difficult experiences and make the best of it in more ways than one. 

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Last Week Of Institute

It's been such an incredible semester getting to attend our special needs institute class & learn more about the gospel of Jesus Christ on a weekly basis. I am so grateful for the many memories that we shared with our classmates and sharing all of our personal testimonies about the Savior, because to me that has really made an impact on my life in more ways than one. I have definitely focused a lot more on the importance of what my purpose on this earth means and praying everyday to remember that I can make it through anything with the help of my Savior.

Continuation Of Events: (Repetitive Stuff)

Volunteering at Westridge Elementary School has progressed a little bit and hopefully that continues on as the remainder of this school year moves forward. I have really not quite figured out for myself how much this experience has not only turned into one of the hardest times ever, but somehow it has needed for me to become a stronger, confident individual and volunteer in too many ways to count. I am hopeful it will not continuously be a struggle or frustration on me anymore, but having admitted that on here--only leads me into a position with needing to keep my composure and have a smile on my face. 

Aside from being the 2019 Miss Queen, I have certainly got so much on my mind all the time with trying to figure out how this new title works and making a good impression on those I come into a little bit of contact with. I have only blogged about my first appearance and will not try to share so much with you guys, only due to the fact that I do not want to find myself annoying people. I have definitely needed to keep my not so hectic schedule under control and hopefully have lots more of amazing stories to share throughout this reign of mine, down the road. 

Weekend Highlights:

- Attended the BYU Ballroom Dance Concert at the Marriott Center & loved every single minute of it so much!!! I always enjoy getting to watch so many incredible performers give it their best on stage... as well as putting an unforgettable show for so many people.



- Worked on my speech for the next presentation I will be doing on Utah Valley University campus & making an effort to get my message across to people about how just because I'm different, does NOT mean I am not capable to live in an independent life everyday.

Surprised Win

After this pageant of mine ended, my life has continuously gotten a lot busier and more hectic than I would have ever imagined it to become. I know there is so much more for me to learn and grow from this experience as my reign moves forward with opportunities to give back to the community. I am so grateful for this new chapter of my life and being able to focus on things that can impact others lives as well as my own, but you get the picture here right?!?! I never in my wildest dreams wanted to just come out on top with this event and simply went into it for an experience, to see what it was like, but not necessarily to be competitive or anything of that nature. 

It was truly one of the most unforgettable experiences ever and getting to share it with so many other amazing young woman was an experience that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I am grateful for the chance that I had to participate with this non profit organization and make an impression in some way whether or not, I felt like it was what the people involved were really looking for...I am glad to have given this all one hundred ten percent of my best effort. 

2019 National Miss Amazing Pageant (Chicago, IL)

I am so excited for this once in a lifetime opportunity and getting meet lots of phenomenal young woman from all over the United States. It is mostly about just being myself and giving as much as possible to leave a mark on this organization in some way or another, but I am grateful to share it with thirty other participants who are running for the title of National Miss Amazing in all of their age divisions. I am confident it will be a new adventure for me to do this on a much different level than what I just did a couple of weeks ago, so I can only hope with making it an experience that I'll remember for whatever is to happen down the road.

First Birthday

YESTERDAY--- My sweet niece Skye celebrated her first birthday and hard to believe that so much has happened since she came into our family. I am so grateful for the unconditional love she has for so many people and continuously puts a smile on your face, whenever you need something to cheer you up at any given moment. When I first became an auntie, I really didn't have much of an idea or what there was for me to expect other than not having had experience with any younger siblings in my growing up years. It has never made me want to think about how incredibly quick this year has come and gone within a very short period of time, but somehow it feels like an absolute eternity.

Skye has certainly brought so much happiness into my life and continues to make everyone around her feel extra loved. I am so grateful for the many more memories that we will get to share with her and hopefully at some point down the road, her siblings... but not gonna mention anymore about that right now!!!! I know it seems a little bit weird of me to write up about this, when it was fairly clear to me that none of us were present to celebrate with her-- but I do know she felt so loved by lots of pple and didn't have a moment when she was not smiling from ear to ear. 

Seven Weeks Left

I can't even believe how fast this school year has come and gone, which to me only means another legitimate summer break to look forward to. It's certainly been an emotional roller coaster for me during this past year without any shadow of a doubt in my mind. I have really needed to focus so much more on my Heavenly Father and Savior, throughout this year more than anything else. I've really been able to feel their hand in my life as I continuously figure out, what the next upcoming school year will be for me and can only hope that it will a much better experience than words can ever say. I have literally gotten myself in situations that most people should never see themselves needing to deal with and can only hope these next few weeks will end on a positive note without teardrops running down my face. 

Utah Film Awards

Before you scroll through this blog post, I want everyone to know that this is not necessarily an event for me to write up much about because it was all confusing & ended up being an experience that I do know will never forgotten. I am grateful for the opportunities that will give me chances to advocate & inspire others like myself to know we can do hard things, regardless of whatever that may be. I am so looking forward to an unforgettable journey with all of the other queens and getting to share so many memories alongside such great people. 

Red Carpet Photos:

I don't want to share any of the other pictures that will get taken throughout this year and only due to the fact none of them belong to me whatsoever. I really didn't know any of the other girls who were with us expect for the those who participated in helping out at the pageant we had the weekend prior to this event. It was super fun getting photos taken of us and having to be the center of attention, even though it was more about the people who were there for the award ceremony getting an night that all of them would always remember. 

Handing Tickets & Awards:

It was certainly quite a routine for me to learn all of these new things, but I really liked getting to do whatever I could to be of assistance. I definitely had never expected this to be my first appearance as the brand new 2019 Utah Miss Amazing Miss Queen, but I know it was an incredible experience for all of us involved & getting to share it with so many amazing people was a treat. All of us were just asked to wait at the doors and looking pretty while anxiously waiting for the ceremony to officially begin. 

Mini Interviews:

Me and the other queen from my pageant were asked with being interviewed on what our personal goals for being the 2019 Utah Miss Amazing Queens are. I really want to continue a push for self advocacy and letting those with disabilities have their voices heard, because I know for me getting opportunities to speak with lots of people on how I could make this world a better place. It was just slightly awkward for me to do interviews when I had never officially done that before, but I do feel proud of myself for having given it a shot if you ask me!!! We also got our photos taken backstage which I didn't quite expect during an event like this one, but I will truly never forget it and hope for other chances to let people know who I am and not being afraid to express that in different ways. It was truly an amazing experience and cannot wait for more opportunities to show up during my year as one of the queens!!!

Timeline

Aside from the nerves that I have about my upcoming event, I certainly would not have felt as confident to do this if I didn't think it was not good for me. I know it will be a little different from all the other events that I have participated in before and yet I do feel confident with being able to give it my best onto the stage, as well as trying to make an impression on all of those judges there. I'm really excited to get better acquainted with all of the many other participants in attendance and making some new friendships along this journey too. 

2019 Utah Miss Amazing Pageant

March 29th, 2019 - Friday Morning/Afternoon

After I return back from volunteering at the elementary school, I will immediately begin pulling out my suitcase from the closet and packing up all of the necessities I need for this unforgettable weekend:

- Interview Outfit for the day

- All of my make up from home

- Talent Outfit 

- Evening Gown

Miscellaneous Items:

-Trash bags filled with items that can be thrown away or donated to charities that can put the stuff to good use. We haven't necessarily started doing this stuff yet and can only hope for the very best in whatever ends up either changing my life or teaching me an important lesson. I am so excited for this opportunity to get out of my comfort zone a little bit as a self advocate and it definitely is beginning to feel quite surreal as the days get closer. 

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Revived Story (Part Two)

The moment I'd step outside of that classroom door... My life could easily turn upside down and not feel like I ended up making the worst choice ever, but who is counting down the hours/minutes, let alone days here?! I've never wanted to come to this point with being a volunteer aide & in sense of how emotionally painful it will be to not help out someone who has played such an important role throughout the past several years. I have literally wanted to give up on trying as hard as I can with making it through this school year with my head held high, but not like this if you ask me!!! It has never made me want to question the reasons why I did choose to help out in such a difficult classroom with a group of kids who have taken time to get to know me, but others neglect without making me feel like a part of things. It must have been an absolute mistake on my part to think this was how I expected things to be throughout this year or otherwise it would've turned out so much different, but who am I kidding about this here?!?! 

From what I was neglected to know with this experience is... I never prepared myself for the fear of unknown difficulty that only continues to push me over the edge and leave me in a position with not even a chance to make it the best of any obstacle that much easier. Sometimes, I am not particularly certain if this what needed to happen for me at all but there must be a logical reason for why it has never continued to make me have a peace of mind. 

Never in my life I have gotten misunderstood for trying to advocate & speak my mind... This friend of mine knows that I don't hold anything back and cannot keep it hidden much longer, but I have to make a deal with myself to not let them find out. I will need to continue keeping it inside of me for as much as possible for the remainder of this school year if that can be pulled off until it drives me crazy to the point, where I am literally needing to get my mom involved & stand up for me in some way or another. 

I have really not wanted to come across like the person who tries to draw attention with people & making a complete fool of myself... But I am so ready for a new year without much difficulties placed in front of me, also not having an acquaintance who makes me feel the last person they need in their classroom. I have really started to get tired of feeling like this all the time and throughout the last year alone, so much has weighed me into a person that does not deserve to be taught with learning from their mistakes, but to tell the straight/honest truth regardless of how it could make the other individual perceive me to become. I will forever have no doubt in my mind with how much I respect, love, admire and look up to this remarkable teacher who has worked tirelessly everyday with making it a positive, yet somewhat happy experience for me but it has been very little. 

What more can I possibly do with turning this situation around?! Is there anything I can make an effort to accomplish & not have them sneaking around to figure it out for themselves?! I have tried my absolute best every single week with not knowing the unexpected twists and turns that would suddenly come up onto my door step on a regular basis, but like I've mentioned once already in this blog post--- who am I kidding about this situation here?!?! I cannot even begin to describe the pain behind that closed door and trying to not let the teardrops roll down my cheeks, with knowing they will not get wiped away without one of my hands right on my face. I know this teacher friend of mine will never be the person who tries to make me feel slightly better about the fact--- I haven't been able to get the full and most unforgettable experience of my life because they haven't gotten their act together without needing to make me feel less needed than usual.