Broken Road

Over these past couple of days this week, I have consistently blogged about an experience that has turned my life completely not in the right direction. I am not particularly certain why this trial of faith had to all of the sudden take place at a time, when things were simply going awesome and I couldn't have like wanted anything more to stress me out than it needed to be. If I can honestly make this brief and less detailed in a way that isn't going to come across like, uncomfortable or let alone something different-but here it is:

When I first met this person several years back, I didn't think anything such as this would happen and destroy our chances of getting back together. They have not been making church a priority in their life whatsoever and when they told me this news, they had not gone in over two months. Obviously, due to their problem with working so late into the evening hours on Saturday that they just don't like waking up to go to church on Sundays anymore. They definitely never took the advice I ever tried to give them to help with anything they were needing advice for seriously enough, that I felt like it was probably not the person they wanted to talk to about their issues. It made me feel as though I had gotten a slap in the face because no matter how hard I tried to make an effort in helping them feel better, they would take out their anger on me and make me feel like I had made the biggest mistake of my life!!! It really crushed me in a way that I didn't necessarily expect or deserve to be treated whatsoever, but at the same time I don't know if I was of much help to them in anyway, shape or form during that period. I honestly didn't know if they felt as though I was making it more difficult for them to deal with or if I was making it worse in some way or another?? I will never get any answers as to why this all happened between us and yet I feel there is probably someone better out there first for me, to get to know and date for as long as possible. We certainly had our struggles with not seeing each other as often as we would've wanted to... but aside from that whole situation, it was incredibly hard not being in a relationship with them anymore. It was obviously the right decision for me to make at the time and wanted nothing more than to take it slow...but for me, I honestly could tell it was a lot more intense than it needed to be like for us. 

I've emotionally struggled with trying to figure out in my mind, "Why did this ever have to all of the sudden need to happen right now? Is there any specific reason whenever I try to make an effort with bearing my testimony of this gospel, that I just simply deserved to get slapped in the face for telling someone what is such a significant part of my life?" It hasn't necessarily been easy for me to talk to somebody about this unexpected turn of events, but they have strengthened me in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend into words. So much of this experience has worn me down into a mess of wanting to bawl my little eyes out and then thinking it wouldn't feel right to overreact in a situation like this one, but you get the idea here???

I have literally cried myself to asleep on several occasions, just only because I didn't know how else to feel or respond about any of this whatsoever. I honestly felt like no matter what I tried to help the person out with anything, it was brushed off to the side and forgotten about completely the next few days after. I was completely disappointed with having tried as hard as I could to make it worth my time, just doing my best to make the relationship work. My life has been very emotionally draining and difficult for me to find the answers, for what it is I want in a relationship with someone..but not in this way. Other times, I just wished it would all disappear in front of my eyes and then not pretend like it was absolutely nothing to start off with. But I know through the support/love from so many people who have known me their whole lives reach out to me with a hug or a smile to help take the emotional pain away. 

It honestly feels like someone punched me in the stomach so hard & then left me not being able to stand up or walk away from the situation. I have felt so much heartache and frustration for what I'd easily assume was the most happiest thing in my life, but obviously it was never meant to last for a very extended period of time. After having dated this person three times over the course of almost close to a year and a half...somehow things never got any much better. 

I've continued to feel almost perfectly at cease with not being in a relationship with somebody and then having some of the littlest urges to see if it would be a possibility, but it wouldn't ever turn out like this for us. With so many tears falling down onto my cheeks and just simply needing to have a reassurance that there is someone better for me, but it kept going back to this person. I really don't want much more to do with them anymore and wanting more than ever, to just see myself at peace again. 

LONG STORY SHORT--- I had to make the toughest choice of my life a couple of weeks ago, with letting this guy not be my friend just simply because it was so difficult to be one for them. I couldn't even get through a text messaging conversation without being told, they never wanted to hear those kinds of things anymore and left my heart empty with no where to turn. All I have left is just a heart that is completely shattered/broken into millions of tiny pieces on the ground, with nobody wanting to pick any of it up for me. It is simply time for me to look forward with my head up and a smile on my face, without trying to hide what is going on inside of me at this very moment. I will never find myself walking down a hallway with teardrops in my eyes and feeling almost in darkness, with not anywhere to see the light at the end of all this. 

If my Savior, Jesus Christ and Father in Heaven can heal a broken heart, Why is it that I have not been able to give them all the pieces?? My heart will never be with this person again and slowly... there will be a glimpse of hope for me to find someone else who loves me for who I am. All of this has lead me onto a path with Christ holding my hand as gently as possible, as well as him cheering me with a smile on his face to say that I can do this. It will not necessarily be simple or the easiest trial of faith for you to overcome, but he is simply reminding me that I am a daughter of God who loves me more than I could ever begin to explain. 

Hard Week

I've literally about had the toughest week in my life and never want to see myself needing to face a situation like it again!!! I am truly not the kind of person who wouldn't let something brush off my shoulder, without any idea of what to expect after having relearned this life lesson multiple times!! 

I couldn't even begin to put into words, what an absolute emotional toll it has taken for me over these past several months. I have seriously cried myself to asleep a lot of the time, then realizing that I had no apparent reason to shed any tears whatsoever-- but obviously I had nothing better to do. It has just been a difficult process for me to completely understand what someone else is faced with, to never let their actions effect who I am. I have already dealt with this experience more than once within the last year and there is honestly nothing more I can do, other than slowly move on with my life. I am here today to admit wholeheartedly that life continues to never get any easier, but with help from the one who went through it all for us many centuries ago to make it possible for us to be here. There is not much more I'd like to share with all of you about this unhappy time in my life, but I know all of us are not faced with struggles that encourage us to strive a little harder to be like him. 

I seriously became emotionally drained with all of the many feelings with intense fear and frustration without having realized it wasn't the most appropriate way to fix a problem. I just absolutely hated seeing my trust betrayed by people who obviously have nothing better to do with their lives, than make it immensely more difficult for those individuals who don't have the same challenges. I would honestly like to see myself just standing up for what I've always known true friendship to be and for those of you who cannot see past their own problems, I am feeling sorry about your mentality of not looking at life in a more positive way. There are people who came into my life that made me feel like I was a part of their lives, but then with out zero hesitation just randomly wanted to slap me in the face.



It was even a problem that I didn't absolutely mean to put myself in the middle of and I am sorry for not having known at all what their issues with me were in the beginning. I obviously feel so grateful that I do not have problems with my self esteem and figuring out how to be at ease with the things, that I may never know in a billion years ever have to deal with in my lifetime!!! It is honestly difficult for me to post about this experience and yet feeling as much guilt as I have in my heart, nothing I would think to say to the person would make it less or better for them in anyway.

Untitled Post

Miss Amazing Pageant

This is definitely one of the many things, that I would seriously love to see myself participate in and learn to build up my self esteem and confidence in a very supportive environment. I have never really had any interest with doing beauty pageants and wanting to see what the experience would be like for me, but this opportunity is certainly not one that I'm going to pass up. I still need to ask a lot of questions about this event and what needs to be done for me, in order to compete in something a lot bigger than myself.


I am incredibly stoked for the amazing new friendships and experiences that I would get to make at this pageant and even though I don't know too much about it yet, I am up for the challenge!!!! I cannot wait to see what it takes to not only be amazing in this world than I already am, but to inspire and empower others to do the same for themselves. It doesn't even necessarily matter what your struggles in life are because you can make a difference in this world, through your actions and the example you can be to so many people. 

New Interest

To make this a long story short, there is a slightly new interest in my life that I've been talk with on Facebook off and on... but it's hard to know when you never see the person as much as you would like to. It's difficult for me to be in a relationship with someone whose a long distance away from where you live and there isn't a lot of chances to spend quality time together. I'd definitely want to have that relationship with someone special in my life, when it is the right time for me and wanting this to work out as best as possible.



We have only talked with each other a little bit and not enough for either of us to feel comfortable in wanting to continue on in this friendship. He is also the close friend of the kid that I actually dated for about a year and a half...but never expected this to happen for me whatsoever. I am not particularly sure what else to say about this and only just taking it one step at a time every single moment that comes into my path. 

Self Advocacy Advisory Committee 2018

The Utah Developmental Disabilities Council has decided to start up this committee for individuals like myself, who simply want to give their input and ideas about the projects/activities that will be coming up in the future. They talk over the phone or meet in person about four to six times a year.. with getting to plan one of the conferences that we get to participate in September. We have got to decide on where we would like to have this held and honestly for me, it was interesting that I ended up being the only one from my independent living center who wanted to participate in this activity with these other people. It was such a wonderful treat for me to be a part of something bigger than myself and making some new friendships with everyone who were there, I will truly never forget-- believe it or not!!!