Free Write

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY--- My life was forever changed when I became the newly crowned 2019 Utah Miss Amazing (Miss Queen). I am so grateful for the many unforgettable opportunities that I had with not only getting to participate in fun activities-- but serving in my community, making new friends, not to mention the chance of stretching myself in ways that I never imagined possible. I am grateful for the way it helped to build my self confidence and self esteem in a supportive environment-- which if ya ask me was nothing short of a dream come true!!!

Unforgettable Moment:

Presentation on my experience with the Utah Miss Amazing organization to a group of young women from Logan at their annual Girls Retreat in Park City. It was such a delight in more ways than one and being asked by one of the most incredible people ever, (who I prefer as like my second mom) made me feel incredibly lucky!!! I loved being able to educate all of those young women on something that came across to someone as an idea to give back to their community and then went on to make it grow into an absolute life changing program for girls and women with disabilities to prove to everyone, that they can do hard things.

Advocates As Leaders - Self Advocacy Speakers Network

I officially hit the four year mark with this fabulous group of people and have loved being able to share my messages of hope about what individuals with disabilities can do. I am grateful for the opportunities that have had to educate and train many people in the community about issues that affect people like me and wanting to make certain we have our voices heard. 

Surprise Picture (Brief Version)

Back in February of this year, I had selected the cutest valentine picture ever and due to the licensing I noticed was not gonna let me use their image unless I ended up buying it. To make a long story short-- there was another picture I came across and immediately thought of the individual who I could easily surprise with it :) I decided to send off the YLC Meeting agenda to everyone else (expect the person I am planning to surprise with the picture ten minutes before our meeting starts!!!) I am excited to know what the surprised look on their face will be once I see their reaction to this picture and let me tell you- it is nothing short of a dream come true!!! Please stay tuned for the update on when this actually in one way or another does happen and I hope it will be a moment to remember. 

Untitled Post

Over these last couple of weeks, I have taken extra time to reflect on myself a little bit more and trying to understand what I can do just better. All of the experiences that have lead me to where I am now, were not anything but the happiest of times because I always felt like if there was a certain pedestal I needed to just reach in order to know how to be extra careful. I know it has been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me in realizing that it is perfectly alright to feel like I do and not assuming people will judge me for needing a moment to get settled down. 

Calming Music/Friendship

Whenever I need some peace of mind in my life throughout the week, I have occasionally listened to a song performed by my favorite artist David Archuleta. I remember going through a difficult time in my life and one of his many songs helped me to see outside of what was happening in front of me.. I know that my friend Josh would do anything to inspire others around him to look for the best in people. I am never remembering a time when he felt like what was going on in his life, was almost too much to take hold of or let alone face on a regular basis-- but he never let it define him in anyway. He always served people around him with a smile on his face and encouraging us to have the kind of faith, that he did to make it through any kind of challenge life handed to him. 

Coping With Boundaries?! 

I have always struggled with trying to keep myself distanced from people and not assuming I have this close knit relationship alongside people I look up to so much. It has been a very difficult transition for me to not pretend like this does not effect me on an emotional level-- but it does. I'm doing my best in making certain I am not over stressed about this new so called restriction I have to follow, which if ya must know I am quietly struggling with this new concept of reality. The health epidemic has made me feel as though once stuff is back to normal once again--will I even consider to keep these rules all the way back in my mind?!

I have not given any hugs to people outside of my own home for a year now-- which if you ask me is just another untold story to not bring up. I should easily feel grateful about this person who has put up with me through so much and I cannot fathom what kind of emotional damage that I must have caused them. I legitimately still feel really bad to this day about not having reacted different and there will never be an opportunity for me to take back what I felt or said in those moments leading up to the place I should be at right now. #OnlyTimeWillTell #TreacherousRoadAheadOfMe 

Mini Entries

YLC Updates (Mini Synopsis)

As I head into this next YLC Meeting in about a week---I am determined to see where things are in my life at that point and trying my hardest to make a good impression. It has been a difficult three weeks or more with not knowing if I am even the person for anything I set my heart on. Over time-- It has really given me reasons to believe no matter what happens throughout my life, all I can easily do is my best- regardless of others think about how I should do things. I know with all of the many leadership roles I have taken hold of into this new year... I need to make certain my priorities are straightened out and not being left in the dust. I have the agenda all taken care of with only the decision to pick what kind of new icebreaker question everyone wants to answer and it has been so wonderful getting acquainted with the remarkable people I work alongside. 

Self Advocacy Closing Panel (May 2021)

This is an experience that I can only hope will turn out for the best. I am excited to share a little bit of my own insight on the topic of self advocacy and getting that message across of what it means to me. It's just simply one of the most rewarding parts about what I do, is informing people who either have disabilities or not about what skills we have applied in our lives to make a self advocate, among so many other good informed questions about this important topic. I have definitely continued to learn so much about trying my hardest to make sure my voice is heard in any situation and not making a complete fool of myself in front of people I genuinely look up to so much. More about this later on!!! 

Small Break

NINJA Alumni Call (Avoided)

I usually love being on these calls with my friends that I rarely ever see on a consistent basis, and then all of the sudden not knowing how much it would effect me-- is a different story for a separate time. It was a very difficult moment for me trying to look brave, when I was legitimately shaken up through out what I had originally assisted in putting together. I felt completely neglected with not having a chance to speak- let alone not feeling like a part of the group itself was painful for me and realizing when I had my sound off along with my camera blackened-- I realized that maybe it would be easier if I trooped through all of the activity without having said a word. 

Self Care Week (Shortened Version)

This entire week itself is gonna be dedicated for me to being more sorely focused on what I need to do, in order to feel mentally healthy again. It was very difficult for me to not break down into tears with all that was going on and feeling like an outsider who was looking in from the window. I received a missed call from one of my colleagues who was on the activity tonight and giving me a heartfelt apology for having not given me a chance to speak when I wanted to. It does not clearly matter anymore and with all of that being said-- I will try to keep up with blogging as much as I can (while trying to take breaks so I am just able to help myself feel better.) 

Grateful List (Mini Version)

I am so grateful for my NINJA friends who continue to lift each other up during any time that may not seem necessary whatsoever and giving me advice when I need to hear it most. 

I am grateful for my favorite bunny ever (Curtis) who continues to put a smile on my face and overall warming my heart when I see him on Zoom Calls.

I am so grateful for the opportunities that life has given me this new year and even though it has been at times really difficult to keep those professional boundaries--I need to do my best in making sure I don't cross the line.

Tough Spot

Every once in awhile I have participated on these NINJA Alumni Calls over Zoom and catching up with my friends who I never really see in person much anymore. It has been a difficult experience for me after this last week to even think I'm gonna be able handle much more virtual stuff. I know it is the new normal for all of us, which if you must know has been good--but also a struggle for me because I miss getting out in the world and spending quality time with those I love so much. COVID has definitely given me a lot of reasons to feel isolated or excluded from the outside world--which all of us know has not been easy since the start of life being turned upside down. 

LONG STORY SHORT---I need to make a decision about what is gonna happen next and into the future with other leadership commitments that I have. It is difficult when I am one of the people helping out and not realizing my participation is important for those involved-- but I know without my assistance, nothing will run smoothly. There is no doubt in my mind knowing if I end up not logging onto the activity-- Am I gonna be the one left behind with consequences to learn from? Will I be forgiven? I will need to just make that choice between now and when the time of this Zoom call begins!!

Lessons Learned (Repetitive Stuff)

I am hopeful things can settle themselves down once Monday night rolls around-- but who knows if I will be capable enough to participate or just simply give up altogether? It would let everybody else who is just counting on me to help and assist with the activity we spent a lot of time figuring out together. I am really nervous about how I will ever be able to face that individual (knowing I made them feel the way they are right at that very moment.) I made the worst mistake of my life this past week and somehow I need to be able to learn from my short comings as well as realize what I can do to be extra cautious in my new leadership roles. 

Piece By Piece

Mixed Reassurance 

LAST WEEK--- I learned one of the hardest lessons ever and didn't realize how much it would impact me on such a deep level with reality. It's always been difficult for me to clearly understand boundaries around this day and age, because of the endless restrictions/guidelines that are consistently reminding me of what needs to happen in order for things to improve. One of the biggest questions that I have contemplated on for some time now is: "If the non profit organization that I'm involved with is not allowed under certain laws to provide services for individuals (like myself who struggle with anxiety), & Why am I seeing them post weekly Instagram stories about mental health awareness?!" Think about it for a second and let that question sink in!!!

Piece One 

One of the worst things ever happened to me without realizing it and quite frankly... I am not gonna take that lightly. I was purposefully excluded from an email message sent out to the other members of a legit youth leadership committee that I've been on for three years, only to find out the hard way about how we are all going to communicate through emails from here on out. I will not mention the name of the person who also purposefully lied about having talked with me earlier on the subject--which I did receive a very lengthy email message from someone else who knew it would be a sensitive topic for me to have to sink into my heart. 

Piece Two

After everything that this past year has left me with right now, I am ready for a chance to move forward and see what the next phase of my life will be. I am not writing up this blog post as a way to make any one feel worse about themselves or anything like that--but as a self advocate, leader, brand new youth member of two governor appointed councils--being kept away from this important issue was clearly- nothing short of unacceptable!!!

Final Piece

As you can imagine, this entire blog post has felt like a complete waste of time!!! I genuinely apologize to anyone that has read through everything (only to find how ridiculous this was for me to write up.) It makes me feel as though there is a much deeper way of looking at problems than to recount them over and over in my head. I have struggled with so much already and this on top of it is next to what I didn't want to deal with in my life right now... but knowing who I am inside and out is something I hold close to my heart. Yes, I am a sensitive person with a gentle heart and sometimes it is hard to not keep all my emotions hidden-- but I feel relieved to know there is a light at the end. 

High Demand

I've been involved with my two governor appointed councils for several months now and never did I ever think my life would be in such high demand with so many things!!! I am so grateful for another chance to keep making an impact throughout the disability community and trying my hardest to keep being a good, dependable, friendly, hard working leader that I need to be for those around me. With all of that said-- It's my honor to be the official youth representative for a miniature leadership conference that will be the best fit for the youth at my IL Center!!! I was completely surprised during my USILC Meeting this morning to have gotten asked by the amazing main executive director of my IL Center to help out with a one day leadership conference and obviously, I have absolutely no idea what else is to come from this--but I am excited to do whatever it takes in making it a very successful event!!! Stay tuned for more stories and updates to come!!

I have genuinely appreciated the unconditional love and support from my friends who never cease to amaze me with seeing the good in what life has to offer. I am grateful for their prayers in my behalf-- especially since there is a lot I need to focus on in the next several months/weeks ahead. There are so many people who are part of these councils and committees who I feel like know so much more than someone like me ever could!! #BelieveMeItsTrue

Everything else in my life is going pretty good--but just at times feels more overwhelmingly draining than I legitimately think it needs to!!! I have definitely struggled with a lot in the last year and this year is just a beginning step into something that I know will impact my life forever. I will admit there have been endless tears shed without question during what continues to be a difficult experience, in more ways than I can say right now!!! #ThinkAboutIt #SoMuchToDo #SoLittleTime 

(End Of Part Three)