Revived Story (Part Two)
The moment I'd step outside of that classroom door... My life could easily turn upside down and not feel like I ended up making the worst choice ever, but who is counting down the hours/minutes, let alone days here?! I've never wanted to come to this point with being a volunteer aide & in sense of how emotionally painful it will be to not help out someone who has played such an important role throughout the past several years. I have literally wanted to give up on trying as hard as I can with making it through this school year with my head held high, but not like this if you ask me!!! It has never made me want to question the reasons why I did choose to help out in such a difficult classroom with a group of kids who have taken time to get to know me, but others neglect without making me feel like a part of things. It must have been an absolute mistake on my part to think this was how I expected things to be throughout this year or otherwise it would've turned out so much different, but who am I kidding about this here?!?!
From what I was neglected to know with this experience is... I never prepared myself for the fear of unknown difficulty that only continues to push me over the edge and leave me in a position with not even a chance to make it the best of any obstacle that much easier. Sometimes, I am not particularly certain if this what needed to happen for me at all but there must be a logical reason for why it has never continued to make me have a peace of mind.
Never in my life I have gotten misunderstood for trying to advocate & speak my mind... This friend of mine knows that I don't hold anything back and cannot keep it hidden much longer, but I have to make a deal with myself to not let them find out. I will need to continue keeping it inside of me for as much as possible for the remainder of this school year if that can be pulled off until it drives me crazy to the point, where I am literally needing to get my mom involved & stand up for me in some way or another.
I have really not wanted to come across like the person who tries to draw attention with people & making a complete fool of myself... But I am so ready for a new year without much difficulties placed in front of me, also not having an acquaintance who makes me feel the last person they need in their classroom. I have really started to get tired of feeling like this all the time and throughout the last year alone, so much has weighed me into a person that does not deserve to be taught with learning from their mistakes, but to tell the straight/honest truth regardless of how it could make the other individual perceive me to become. I will forever have no doubt in my mind with how much I respect, love, admire and look up to this remarkable teacher who has worked tirelessly everyday with making it a positive, yet somewhat happy experience for me but it has been very little.
What more can I possibly do with turning this situation around?! Is there anything I can make an effort to accomplish & not have them sneaking around to figure it out for themselves?! I have tried my absolute best every single week with not knowing the unexpected twists and turns that would suddenly come up onto my door step on a regular basis, but like I've mentioned once already in this blog post--- who am I kidding about this situation here?!?! I cannot even begin to describe the pain behind that closed door and trying to not let the teardrops roll down my cheeks, with knowing they will not get wiped away without one of my hands right on my face. I know this teacher friend of mine will never be the person who tries to make me feel slightly better about the fact--- I haven't been able to get the full and most unforgettable experience of my life because they haven't gotten their act together without needing to make me feel less needed than usual.
