Numb (Part Two)

My good friend Josh attended classes and activities at our independent living center for sixteen years, which kind of blew me away a little bit. I had no idea that his journey in the world of independent living began at such a young age and until his return back to the other side, I never would have guessed that his legacy of what it means to be a good leader, self advocate and everything in between would have lead me to where I am now. His example to me of trying to persevere through the hard times with a good attitude never ceased to amaze me in more ways than I could ever put into words in a blog post. He left an imprint on my heart in a way that I know will stick with me forever and cannot thank him enough for the person that he was in not only in my life, but in the lives of so many people. I may not have known him for nearly as long as other people did, but I am so grateful for the opportunity that I had of being acquainted with an extraordinary person who wanted nothing more than to see life in a different way. I am grateful for all of the many laughs we shared together with our friends and being reminded to not take life too seriously if not all the time. 

(Conclusion)

I struggled with my friend's unexpected return home three years ago and still cannot imagine how life has gone on without him. He had an entire road left for him to roll down and tackle experiences that I am sure he never imagined himself having until now. However, the song numb performed by David Archuleta got me through it in a way that I did not think was possible and the lyrics have gotten themselves stuck inside my head. I listened to the song on repeat multiple times and didn't find myself wanting any other song to be played expect for this one in particular. It kept me feeling numb towards what was going on in the moment when I clearly didn't want to feel anything more than guilt for not having known just the circumstances my friend Josh was faced up against. I had no idea there was a lot more happening in his life than what I was able to visibly see with my own two eyes. I am pretty certain my good friend Josh would not have wanted me to feel numb about him not being on this earth and not continuing to enjoy life to the fullest. He would want me to push through any obstacles that have ever come into my path and just tackle each of them in a way, that I did not think for even a second was possible.


I am grateful his legacy has continued to push me along these past almost eighteen months of so many unknowns and not having the answers I need to break through these walls, that legitimately kept me back from seeing the bigger picture. After learning some of the hardest lessons from these past several months, I know my life is nothing short of what you would call "A delightful walk of an experience for the most part and yet there are times when my numbness is so visibly real that I just let it out on other people. But it has gotten slightly easier to realize what my potential in life is to not continuously hold a grudge towards something I felt numb about. I am so thankful this song helped keep me sane when I felt like everything right in front of me, was falling apart with not any kind of explanation whatsoever. 

But what did I learn from this experience??

Life is never going to not hand us trials, that we will never be able to handle. It may not what we want in the moment we feel at such a loss with little to no energy-- but I am hopeful as a disability leader, self advocate, mentor and friend that I can keep in mind: "You are stronger than you think and braver than you realize." All I have to do is remind myself everyday--"You'll be able to handle anything that gets put into your hands and just believe in yourself to never stare back but just keep looking forward." 

Numb

If you have been following my blog "A Dancer's Life" for the past five years, I have obviously written up a little too much about some of my all time favorite songs and never went into a lot of depth about them-- until today. There is a song in particular that sustained me through one of the worst times in my life back in 2018 and quite frankly-- I'd like to share a little bit more about that with you. 

October 3, 2018 (Three Years Ago)

One of my good friends who I had only known for a short period of time, was unexpectedly called back to the other side three years ago this fall. I wanted to not believe for even a second about how difficult it was, not knowing all of the details in regards to this unexpected loss and feeling an emptiness that no one in the world should have to go through. However, I did end up falling into a little bit of a depression but if ya ask me it was not the kind I had to go see a professional for... but it did leave me not having a lot of energy or wanting to do all that much. I had never experienced that kind of stuff before and not knowing if it was all a temporary gut inside of myself that I knew needed to be overcome, or what I had to do in order to leave behind what kept holding me back. My friend Josh was one of the most positive, unconditionally loving, genuine person I had ever met and minus all of his own struggles in life-- he never let them wear him to the point where he'd ask himself: "Why did this have to happen to me and is there not anything else that someone like me cannot handle right now?" He never once complained about how difficult things in life were for him whatsoever and knowing he is in a better place left me leaving at first-- a little bit numb. It was unbearable for me to believe that someone who had their entire life ahead for them and only to find out it would be short lived was hard for me to wrap my head around. 

The title of my blog post today is something that I keep close to my heart. There have been experiences in my life where I didn't want to feel numb towards something that was only trying to help me grow as well as become an even better disability leader, which at the time made me feel like I was not trying my hardest to be that for others. My life was certainly stuck in a place that I never wanted to see it in and if you must know I could not for any reason pretend like this loss did not hurt me more than I genuinely wished it had not. I felt numb with hearing the vague details about this person's loss with not having any kind of idea that they struggled with a lot more than I realized--but you get the picture?? I am not here to make a complete fool of myself or draw attention towards anyone who is reading through this, but I am hopeful from this experience that I can learn to understand: "It's okay, Just keep swimming!!"

My life was turned upside down after this loss happened three years ago and then in that period-- I have dealt with a lot more than I've wanted to handle as my life continues to be what it is. Please do not ever think after everything I have needed to learn in these past several months has been a walk in the park-- which if you must know is not even close to the truth. I did not want to experience this loss during such a time in my life when things were out of my control and there was no choice for me, but to hide all of my emotions from people who genuinely care for my well being.

(End Of Part One) 

Executive Member

LONG STORY SHORT---I received a Facebook message from one of my colleagues who I serve with on my governor appointed council asked me if I had any interest with being an executive member. It certainly threw me off guard a little bit with not knowing exactly what it entailed (let alone knowing if I would be able to handle something at such an intense level.) There is absolutely no guarantee that my chances of trying to reach this goal will come true or if I will need to accept whatever the outcome is regardless if my name gets called upon. 

Instead of going into details about this situation, I am not certain that someone like me could ever reach a high pedestal like that one.  It would legitimately kill me inside if I had to keep track of stuff that I am not necessarily an expert in whatsoever and yet here I am wondering about what this time next week is going to look like for them. I am hopeful things can turn out for the best for everybody and I can take on another leadership role that is a little less overwhelming. 

New Youth Leadership Committee (Chairperson)

Whoa!!! This could end up being the most unexpected scenario for me to become the newly elected chair for my Youth Leadership Committee. I cannot even imagine what my life would end up being like if I did get asked to take on this position and something I didn't necessarily see coming into my path. But I would put a hundred and ten percent into what is expected of me and try my hardest to leave an imprint on all of the hearts of people I work with. I am not necessarily here to admit this would happen for me, but I cannot pretend anymore that when lifetime opportunities come up... I will try my best to not have them pass by. I am hopeful things in regards to what happens next week is for the better of the council :) 

(Watch For Part Two Coming Next Week)

Free Write

TOMORROW NIGHT---My twin sister and I along with our best friends will meet up at our friend's house for an unforgettable evening filled with happiness!!! We are going to head off from there to have dinner at ZUPAS which if you ask me never disappoints for a scrumptious meal and then attending our favorite singer/performer David Archuleta's outdoor concert. Instead of me going into details about this, you might as well wait patiently for another blog post to show up!! :) 

Virtual Webinar (Mini Story)

One of the many things I liked about this event yesterday was getting to feel inspired by the stories that people I did know and did not share with the group. It was such an eye opening moment for me to hear about the experiences people are having due to the waiting list and needing to get qualifications for the services they need to be independent in our society. I am truly hoping stuff in our state will change over time and more stories can be shared-(things can begin to turn themselves around immediately.) This is going to take at least five years in the making to see this waiting list disappear and yet even if I do not know as much about it as I'd like to... it will come to an end. 

Letter To Myself (Unofficial Story)

By the time I've read through this, my time with the most amazing youth leadership committee will have to come to a bittersweet end. You are not necessarily going to stop those tears of happiness and gratitude from rolling down your cheeks as you prepare for the next stage in life. Three and a half years ago--- I'm sure you didn't realize just how much of an imprint this group of people would leave you on your heart. I know it is going to be an emotional time for you to look in to the faces of your friends and colleagues who have motivated, inspired, encouraged, believed in you to do hard things. You will make certain words of gratitude come from your mouth as the committee meeting comes to a end on whatever day that falls itself onto... You will have made a difference in the lives of everyone who had the chance of knowing what an amazingly genuine, unconditionally loving person you are!!! (Please stay tuned for an actual heartfelt post coming to you all at some point next summer.)

Nomination

THIS MORNING---I received some news about a change that would be taking place on my next virtual YLC meeting. My best friend Camille asked if she could nominate me for the spot of being next in line for the chairperson on our committee. I immediately told her that she could go for it and honestly, it is just more surreal as time passes on to think I could get picked to tackle this new role. Just because I've gotten this nomination doesn't necessarily mean I'll end up with the task of being chairperson for our committee--that has been a part of my life for three years. I am obviously sitting here thinking that I may not end up being the person for this new leadership role and yet I was clearly told that no other member is young enough for it??? What is that even supposed to mean?? I mean, there are probably so many other people who have served on our committee that would legitimately do a hundred times better job than I ever could in a position like that one. I may come across slightly biased about all of this in a way that I am certain never should have been my intention to begin with and yet I will be grateful for an opportunity of a lifetime. This YLC has been turned itself into a safe haven for me even despite the hard times I was going through in my life and not realizing what was going to come from it later on. I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn new skills from the best of the best in our state and making an entire new set of friends that I truly admire so much. If I can make this long story short-- I am very much grateful for the amazing people who have put up with me in ways that none of them clearly deserved, but have continuously reminded me of all the many things I can do. Please stay tuned for lots more updates to come at a later time!!! 

Rewards

Funny Story (Mini Version)

My wonderful as well as incredibly amazing boss that I have worked with for the past three and a half years made a trip to Salt Lake to the Utah Independent Living Center for me and one of my colleagues on the Speakers Network to present on the importance of how self determination is for everyone along with the value of when you volunteer in your community to plan their own path to happiness. To make this long story short---Me and my colleague were searching high and low for their misplaced car keys that had gotten themselves put somewhere else without having realized what was going on prior to this. Obviously, I never noticed their car keys missing the entire time we were together today and mysteriously disappeared out of nowhere. We didn't even think twice about not knowing if those keys would show up somewhere in that independent living center and just simply guessing that someone had accidentally picked them up off the ground, not having known how very important set of keys were when we needed them. It felt like an eternity trying to look underneath stuff on tables, in the back of the room as well as in the front with no keys in sight. After searching for what seemed like forever, we headed outside and I immediately asked about if those keys had gotten left inside of the bag with the rest of the prizes we had for our BINGO game earlier?? Well, sure enough for us they were right inside of it and we were able to get me back to the frontrunner station in perfect time. I was able to get the biggest hug ever along with a trip to get an ice cream cone for all of my hard work in trying to search for those missing car keys!!! I definitely felt like we should have had one of my legit colleagues from USILC with us to get an ice cream cone because they have worked tremendously hard to get all of these mini leadership conferences underway. (I mean-- I was not going to leave them out of this one and hopefully in the distant future, We can include them to enjoy an ice cream cone with us!!!) 

Both Presentations (Self Determination & Volunteering - A Path To Happiness)

I genuinely enjoyed the opportunity to present on both of these topics and getting to inspire advocates with disabilities to believe in themselves as well as follow their dreams. I am so grateful we were able to do this all over again and bring smiles to the faces of people we do these presentations for. I am truly grateful for the privilege of being able to motivate self advocates and professionals to know there are so many resources for them to look into when it comes to their future. I also love presenting on the topic of volunteering in the community and the benefits that come along with it, which if you ask me is just one step away from making an impact for not only yourself but others as well. I am so grateful for the very heartfelt message this presentation has in my life and knowing we can always reach out to people when they need help or just simply finding people we know that can help us give back to the community. I am thankful for any chance that I've had to give back to people and with all of the endless leadership roles-- I have right now in my life is just nothing short of a dream come true. It has left an imprint on my heart to always remember when it comes to the simplistic things in life, lending a hand is not ever a bad idea for anyone to give themselves a shot at :) 

November 6, 2021 - Best Friend's Wedding Day

My best friend Camille will be officially tying the knot on this day in about three months time, but I am so excited for her to begin this new chapter of her life with someone that she genuinely loves so much. I am so grateful that me, my twin sister and our best friends get to be her bridesmaids for her wedding day and none of us could not be more than excited about this!!! I am incredibly grateful for her friendship in my life so much and the example she is to not be afraid to prove others wrong never ceases to amaze me in more ways than one!!! I am very anxious for this special day to arrive and seeing all of it unfold within a few short months. Their reception will take place at Sleepy Ridge which is a beautiful wedding venue in Orem and I promise to have more specific details about this to come at a later date!!! 

Upcoming Events (Fall) 

I genuinely still have no more further information with regards to the upcoming youth leadership committee training that begins late next month. I am very grateful for any chance that comes into my path to not surpass it up and immediately go after it with no questions asked. I am truly lucky to work alongside such an incredible group of people who are so dedicated into making their goals become a reality and not just thinking it is a good idea. Whether or not the RSL stuff even happens, I am just going to feel lucky in getting to share this experience with my friends and make new memories that we will remember forever. 

Canceled Event

This upcoming weekend I had anticipated to participate in the 50th anniversary celebration of the UDDC (Utah Developmental Disabilities Council) only to find out earlier today, it's not gonna happen. I am very much saddened with not getting to spend quality time with the people who have dedicated themselves to working tirelessly on a regular basis, for individuals like me to have their voice heard. There are almost one too many reasons for me to list off here about what an incredible group of people I get to associate with on a professional level is a dream come true!!!

I was very excited to participate in this celebration of an organization who has never ceased to amaze me with all that they do!!! I am grateful for their patience with me as I continuously learn ways, that I can do a little better with my leadership roles and making sure I have fun while trying to concentrate on the tasks at hand. With all of this being said, I know this anticipated event will happen at some point in time and I'll be able to get a lot more acquainted with everyone who serves alongside on this council. 

Minus all of that going on, I am thrilled to once again take a mini field trip to the independent living center in Salt Lake to present on topics that hold a special place in my heart. I really hope we can just simply inspire them to get their voices heard for what they need and knowing we can do something to leave an imprint on their hearts. Stay tuned for an update to come later this week if I think of one that's gonna be worthy to share!!! :) 

Dance Competition Results (Mini Version)

Along with my twin sister and our best friends, all of us received first place trophies!!! It was such an absolute delight getting to celebrate with each other in a moment that I know none of us will just easily soon forget. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have danced alongside two great volunteers whose time into making this event happen for us was an absolute nothing short of a dream come true!!! I'd like to send a little shout out to our youth coordinator from Ability First along with her husband, who came to watch us dance in this event and take time out of their busy schedules to support all of our friends---- which if you ask me was incredibly sweet of them to do!!! 

Summer Lovin'

 Back To Back Presentations (Advocates As Leaders - Self Advocacy Speakers Network) 

It's obvious that my life with these presentations never ends, but I absolutely love what I doing in trying to get my message across to people who need to know individuals like me can do anything that anyone else in the world can do. Yes, I may need a little bit of extra assistance at times with things and just trying my hardest to make a good impression on the people I meet. I am excited for these two presentations to kick off on a positive note and everyone who will be there with us, can get as much out of what is being said without getting themselves too tired!! It will also end up being the last mini conference for this summer, which if you ask me I am not certain if they were will be the money to do these again--but only time can tell on that one!!! 

Virtual Webinar Session (Two Weeks Notice)

I am very nervous to know if this virtual webinar ends up being worth my time for an hour and a half or if I will have made a terrible decision to participate on it in the first place?? I am very anxious to know what I can do better as a member of two governor appointed councils and trying to get some kind of a tight hold on ways I can make improvements in my leadership roles. I just honestly decided to participate on this upcoming virtual webinar session is just because I know it might help me with learning more in depth about what my role should be with being a board member and if you ask me, I am not even certain what I'm going to take away from this experience--but can only hope for the best. 

Utah Developmental Disabilities Council (50th Anniversary)

I've only been involved with this council for a short period of time and yet I cannot imagine how far they have to get to where they are now. I am grateful to be working alongside such incredible people who are truly dedicated and passionate about what they do in the disability community, which if you ask me is just a whole another story!!! This anniversary event will be held on Saturday & cannot wait for a chance to reunite with all of my friends if I see any of them later on this week. This was in reality supposed to have taken place last year and thanks to the health epidemic worldwide, that didn't happen whatsoever and now it is finally going to kick start another fifty more years!!! 

Miscellaneous

Youth Leadership Committee Training (September)

At the end of next month, I will have an opportunity along with my fellow youth leadership committee members to participate in a training held in Salt Lake. My governor appointed council USILC (which stands for Utah Statewide Independent Living Council) that has been a part of my life for about 10 yrs now and I could not be more thrilled to participate in this event. Luckily for us, the UDDC has offered their training room for us to borrow during that period of time and I'm certain it looks amazingly nice, once I get a chance to see it for myself in person. 

This will be more in depth training to learn about leadership styles, communication skills, and knowing what to expect being a committee or board member. I am not certain an event like this one would ever happen again in the future and I didn't hesitate to agree with being a part of it :) It's most definitely just gonna be an experience to remember for years to come and cannot wait to spend quality time with my friends in person. 

Virtual Scavenger Hunt (Zoom Activity)

My youth leadership committee decided to push aside learning about money management and put on this event instead. If you ask me, I would have easily preferred to do the scavenger hunt over Zoom instead of thinking I can carry a laptop computer around my house!!! I am so thrilled to once again be a part of this activity with my NINJA friends and enjoy some fun time together for an hour. Watch out for more updates to come later about this!!! 

Special Needs Ballroom Competition (Tomorrow Afternoon)

Regardless of the outcome with this event, I am grateful to have been given a chance to participate in this once again. I am grateful for all of the hard work that me and my friends have put into making our dances look good will have paid off. This event takes place tomorrow afternoon and who knows what could happen? I am so excited to once again perform the best of my ability and inspire people to know that everybody like myself can do things that others perceive us not being able to do. We are certainly going to prove them all wrong tomorrow once this event unfolds in front of them and hopefully make some memories that we will cherish forever. 

Untitled Post

YLC Updates (Mini Version)

I am definitely feeling well prepared and ready for this virtual meeting tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping we can have a very productive and insightful discussion on the items, that I have typed up on our agenda to talk about as a group. I know it has been a long time from when we last met earlier this spring and then summer months arrived, which only lead to so much going on everyday if not more often than I can tackle sometimes. I always love getting to learn from my friends on things they would like to see happen within the disability community and knowing what incredible people they are, I have no doubts in my mind at all on what they can bring to the table. 

"A Dancer's Life" (Five Years)

This blog of mine was not intended to turn itself into a journal by any means... just a chance for me to write and express my thoughts without using paper. I am grateful for the many endless posts that have gotten themselves on here with me trying to not cross the line or make a fool of myself. This has truly been an experience that I never imagined it to become and yet here I am not sure what more I can keep writing on here. I have typed up over three hundred plus entries on this journal of mine and considering the idea to create an entirely new blog altogether, which I am not sure would be a good idea or not?? It still has lingered itself in my mind for some time now and I will be sure to let you all know what does happen with this!!! 

Weekly Recap

Competition Mode 2021 (Short Preview) 

I've definitely got so much that needs to be done, leading up to this weekend's ballroom dance competition and not very much time to complete in. It is such a bittersweet experience for me not knowing if this will end up being the final time this event takes place or what could happen in a few years. I am grateful for a chance to see my friends showcase what we have worked so hard on during these past five weeks with all of our volunteers!!! It is certainly going to warm the hearts of everyone who comes and watches us dance our little hearts out on the dance floor, which I know is just an experience that none of us participants will soon forget. 

I have to get all of the ticket vouchers in envelopes with participants names printed on them, along with the flyer of information that shares everything in regards to the event itself. I cannot wait to perform the best of my abilities and just going out on the dance floor, to have fun with all of my other friends!!! It is definitely one of the most unforgettable moments during my summer and cannot wait to share all of my highlights with you guys. 

Other Stories: (Summer Time Highlights)

Virtual NINJA Conference - Truly one of the most unforgettable memories ever and touched my heart in more ways than I could even begin to say right now. It was definitely a lot more enjoyable and heartfelt for me than it was the previous year with so many emotional meltdowns, thanks to the circumstances we all had to see ourselves in. I loved being a youth mentor again for this event and getting to help my own friends get as much out of the conference as they could-- just simply warmed my heart so much. It was a treat getting to share my personal experiences with what attributes I'd want to have as a leader, but if you know me I certainly did not disappoint :) 

Mini Leadership Conference - It obviously ended up being a little more tender hearted of an experience than I wanted it to be for someone whose just visibly struggled with so much. I am grateful for the once in a lifetime chance I had to benefit from this experience and getting to educate my friends on two little things that have shaped me into the person I am now. I'll not continue anymore with this because on an emotional level it was pretty difficult for me to hide what was really going on inside my head. 

29th Birthday Highlights - I really loved spending time with my friends over a two week period and it was definitely a celebration to remember!!! Went to the Aquarium with my independent living center and saw all of the many water animals that are featured there, went out to dinner with my mom, older sister and her two kiddos (along with my twin sister) and enjoyed a scrumptious meal, opened up our presents and received so much unconditional birthday love from my friends all day, etc.