"Little by little, He frees me. Moment by moment, releasing, my grip, my stubborn need to be in control, of everything. Over and over, He leads me, back to the one place that carries--- the grace that was waiting all along, waiting in, in the waiting place." - Hilary Weeks
SIX MONTHS LATER---I continue to find myself being stuck in the waiting place and not an obvious way to escape if I wanted to make the effort to do so. I legitimately made a mistake that no one in their lifetime should ever have to encounter or let alone deal with in a way that has at times felt next to impossible in more ways than I can comprehend. I did realize for the first time in months that I was not getting out of this spot any time soon and knowing what my new reality is must have been a lot harder for me to clearly see than it was for the colleague who purposefully allowed me to wake up shaken in the middle of the night. I may never understand in a million years why this had to happen to me and not feeling like it was completely planned to get me to where I am today.
As a self advocate in the disability community, I have been told from people that all of the big things I have done make a difference for those around me and I am eternally grateful to know that is what I have achieved in my ten plus years in this environment. I have continuously sat in my waiting place anxiously hoping that my punishment will be over with soon and yet I know the rest of eternity this will be my life until I show up in the next life. I would never consider myself being a perfect colleague and feeling slightly out of place with all that I applied to participate in. I legitimately hate waiting every day for six months or if not longer to reconnect with someone that I wanted to be like when I grew up. Now that is not the case as I have made the effort with relearning from this experience and I am not the least bit proud of what happened in moments with uncertainty being a free for all on the table. I am never gonna be the perfect colleague who serves their whole heart with---knowing they have given it their best despite what took place six months earlier. At this very moment, I didn't want to necessarily feel obligated or numb to write this up today and yet here I am hoping that one person takes the time to read through my post. It has been a difficult journey filled with tears being shed, confusion about what could happen next in my life and not having any idea of how much it would affect me on a deeper level. I have struggled with maintaining healthy relationships with people who all they want to do is help me and I emotionally pushed them away because I knew a lot better than they did at the time. I'm also nervous about if my service on the council has been worthwhile and giving me a chance to grow into who I can be so much rather than who I could not ever become.
The seconds pass relentlessly on as things in my life continue being stuck where they are and somehow that is a punishment I legitimately deserved to have. I am not writing up about this here to repeat every little trial that has ever taken place in my life, but to understand better who I never want to find myself being in all over again. It has never been easy for me to deeply take in what someone tells me in a very direct way and not realizing how much of a mark it left behind. I am doing all in my power to regain a trust from a colleague who may never for the rest of their life speak to me again, which as much as I'm significantly hurt by their words--I am not going to let it overtake who I am as a person. My deepened stubborn grip on controlling every aspect of my colleagues leadership role was painful and not exactly how a board member should behave.
As you can imagine, this twisted turn in my life has been nothing short of an easy mistake to learn from and yet there are only more doors waiting to be opened up for me. I may never understand in a million years why I purposefully saw myself in a position that could have been avoided at all costs & not ever knowing what could happen down the road. I have grown so much more than I could have anticipated myself to during this time in life when I felt as if I was handling this on my own. My heavenly father knows how painfully difficult this journey has been for me and yet I am grateful for knowing he hasn't ever left my side for a second has been a dream. He has strengthened me through prayers that I've had to offer at night time and feeling his unconditional love every step of the way has given me a lot more hope than I could have asked for.
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