Climb

I'm not even certain about when these emotional days will get themselves behind me and I can just get back to my normal self again. I have definitely cried myself to asleep more often than I'd like to admit and somehow there is never an end to when things will start to ease a little bit. I have certainly gotten my fair share with not knowing how to face any difficulties without tearing up really hard or in a position that nobody wants to see themselves up against whatsoever.

It's been such an uphill struggle for me to keep a brave face on anymore and just simply wanting the tears to roll down my cheeks as often as I can--- but it is nothing that can make me feel better. I know for me it has never been easy for me to not end up wondering if I should've joined in on that meeting tonight or not because of how difficult things have continued to be. I know there is no sense for me to control what has been going on and it is almost easier to keep my mouth quiet than to speak up about what is on my mind anymore!!! It has been a consistent worry for me to not feel the slightest bit of ya know being pushed off to the side because nobody knows how to help me out with the emotional pain this has continuously brought me from the start of this pandemic.

LONG STORY SHORT---- I was purposefully quiet on this weeks call with my NINJA family due to the many circumstances that have left me not wanting to talk much anymore. I feel like all I can ever think about in my mind is just for a vaccine to put this illness aside and we can get back into our lives again--- but for me, I know this is gonna feel like an eternity before things are settled down. I'd rather not have to tear up every single Zoom call that me and my friends have with one another--- but it has almost harder for me not keep the tears away. I legitimately stared at myself in the camera which if I must admit looked like a sweet young women with an uncertain mess on her hands and not anything that I can do expect sit around wondering "How in the world did our 2020 turn out like it has?!! I am getting tired of the many restrictions and unknowns that left me wanting to cry more often than if I'd like to smile. #StayTunedForTheConclusion